May 7, 2017 at 8:34 pm #148417
I met her 2 years ago in our first chemistry class. i thought we would be friends for life, i pictured her in my wedding, and me in her wedding, both of us working in a hospital ( she wants to do pa, and me md) but this all ended today, right on the week before finals, and here i am trying not to cry, after having cried for 3 hours.
i knew something was off, i could sense it, so i confronted her online about, i asked her to let me now if there was something wrong and sure enough there was.
a week before she was telling me about this opportunity in school to be a tutor, which would look great in her application. now she has a really low gpa, and so she applied and got denied. she had also informed another one of her friends about this tutoring program and her having a 4.0 gpa of course she got it. i asked why did she tell her friend if spots were limited and she knew her friend had better grades, since that decreased her chances. so we got into disagreements about this.
obviously a lot more was said (respectfully disagreeing) but i cannot fit it all here. so i knew this was probably what upset her, but i did not expect her to say what she said. i thought we would make amends and move on.
she said that for a while i had been insulting her, and that i was not aware of it. and she basically listed everything wrong with me and how she was better off with out me as i was better off with out her.
now i get it, sometimes we say things we dont mean and are not aware of it, i told her i wish she would have told me that something i said was bothering her, i would have fixed it. but she did not.
i feel very very hurt, and honestly i feel used. the reason she passed the last chemistry class was because of me, when the teacher told her to drop her classes because she was failing i waited for her to come out of that office in tears and i did not even really know her, i took her to tutoring with me, i studied with her, i shared notes, homework heck i even let her copy from my exam and quizzes, just the last exam we took i let her copy mine.
i would always tell her she could get an A that she could do it, always encouraging her, i even got her into contact with a PA and told her to apply for a scribe job, i helped her pass the test for that job. i gave her my books so she would not have to buy any for the next semester. i payed tutors 100 dollars per session so they could help me with my homework, then shared that info with her.
i get it, im not perfect, no one is. but her saying that my “friendship” was not how she expected it to be, why stick around for so long? or if she valued or friendship then why not tell me so i could fix it? relationships arent perfect, we make mistakes, i really wish she would have given me the opportunity to fix it. what can i do, i feel distraught, sad, unworthy of having friends.May 7, 2017 at 8:49 pm #148419
Dear Penelope Jones:
I understand you are sad and upset at this loss. Maybe there is something important to learn from this experience. Maybe if you learn it, it will be possible to resurrect and much improve this friendship.
You wrote: “she said that for a while i had been insulting her, and that i was not aware of it…now i get it, sometimes we say things we dont mean and are not aware of it”
I don't understand: what do you mean by not being aware of what you say?
And what did you say to her that you didn't mean (specifically during the last argument regarding the tutor position)?
* will be back to the computer in 10-12 hours and will reply if you post again by then. I hope others will reply as well. Take care.
anitaMay 7, 2017 at 8:53 pm #148421
she never told me, i asked her and she did not reply back about that…i just kept telling her that if i would have known i would have fixed it or try my best. but she never said what i was telling her. i just feel like we went through a lot school wise and saw each other almost every day, studying, and then out of the blue ” i have been a bad friend all along” , but what about the times i have helped her? thank you for the reply.May 7, 2017 at 8:55 pm #148423
i mean that she says i have been saying things to her that upset her, but i do not know of what she is talking about because not once did she say ” hey i dont like when you say x or y” she just told me right now of this..had i known i was saying something to upset her i would have stopped saying whatever it is that was upsetting her.May 8, 2017 at 7:33 am #148475
You are welcome.
It is too bad she didn't tell you what of what you said to her bothered her at any time during the friendship. If she was assertive, she would have told you at the time you said something that offended her, but she didn't tell you at any time, including when she ended the friendship. Often enough, when a person is unassertive and they feel anger at a friend, let's say, they don't express it but the anger keeps building. Then at some point, following an incident that increases their anger yet again, they kind-of explode.
I don't know if you did tell her offensive things, if you put her down, if you accused her of what she was not guilty for, if you were aggressive with her. For example, that last incident regarding the tutor, you became upset that she shared the info about the tutoring opportunity with another person with a better gpa. If you remember what you said to her in this regard, it may help me understand.
anitaMay 8, 2017 at 9:04 am #148485
what happened is she has another friend who has really good grades. so she told her to apply to the same job that she was applying to. and so the friend with the better grades got the job, she did not. so i told her why she sent the application to the girl with the better grades because her chances decreased at getting in. that was one of the arguments we had. what she says about me “putting her down” i do not know, she never told me. i just feel incredibly hurt because, if i was such a bad friend, then why stay my “friend” for a long time, why stick around? i feel she did that because she needed good grades, and i let her copy my homework, quizes, tests. everything. i was her cheerleader for school, lifted her up when she said she wasnt good enough for school, when she cried because she wasnt gonna pass her classes. i was there for her. and it hurt that all this time i thought i was being the best friend i could be, and it turns out that for her, i was the worst friend.May 8, 2017 at 9:24 am #148489
So no information for me in regard to what you actually told her.
You wrote that what hurts so much is that you did so much for her, and you thought you were being the best friend you could be, and, for her, you were the worst friend.
First, during the two years of your friendship, she probably thought at different times that you were a good friend, and that may be why she continued the friendship. Her expressed emotions when she ended the friendship were true to the time of the ending of it, and, I suppose that is how she felt at times prior. But not the whole time.
You asked: if you were such a bad friend, why did she stick around? In general, some people stick around very abusive people, keep coming back to the abuse. Sticking around in a relationship is not an indication that it is a healthy or beneficial relationship.
You did a lot for her, you wrote. If, and I mean, IF you were also abusive to her at times, the abuse cancels your good deeds.
I noticed your new username: New life starts now. I used to want a new life for myself to start, many times. I learned that the only way to start a new life is to learn from the old life. And so, I hope you find a way to learn something valuable and true from this ended friendship, so to benefit yourself, and indeed, make a new beginning.
anitaMay 8, 2017 at 10:40 am #148527
but why not tell me that something i say is hurtfull to her? i dont understand that, had i known that i was hurting her feelings i would have stopped saying that. i am left mystified and shocked without any understanding of it. and i dont think the right word is “abusive” i dont think that it was that bad. but maybe for her it was. im just in so much pain right now. i feel people now a days, dont forgive or give you a chance to fix things, they just dump you and move on. so many misunderstandings for lack of communication, if people expressed their feelings more there would not be as many misunderstandings. to her, the good outweighed the bad, to me i thought i was being a great friend, and then overnight, i find out i wasnt, and that hurts. the words she used cut really bad. i do not even want to go to class today because we have the same one. it is hard to fight back the tears.May 8, 2017 at 10:40 am #148529
but why not tell me that something i say is hurtful to her? i dont understand that, had i known that i was hurting her feelings i would have stopped saying that. i am left mystified and shocked without any understanding of it. and i dont think the right word is “abusive” i dont think that it was that bad. but maybe for her it was. im just in so much pain right now. i feel people now a days, dont forgive or give you a chance to fix things, they just dump you and move on. so many misunderstandings for lack of communication, if people expressed their feelings more there would not be as many misunderstandings. to her, the good outweighed the bad, to me i thought i was being a great friend, and then overnight, i find out i wasnt, and that hurts. the words she used cut really bad. i do not even want to go to class today because we have the same one. it is hard to fight back the tears.May 8, 2017 at 11:06 am #148531
For a healthy relationship it is very important that both parties communicate effectively. She should have told you what about your talk behavior offended her, and best timing would have been right after it happened. That kind of feedback could have helped you: to evaluate the validity of her input, to ask her clarifying questions, and choose how to proceed. If she continues to refuse to communicate with you, that is very unfortunate.
You are not responsible for her lack of communication. See to it, best you can, in future relationship that communication is honest and assertive, as well as respectful, both ways.
I hope you feel better soon, and given time, I am sure you will. As long as you are distressed, pay extra attention to your driving and all your activities. Focus on the moment, bringing your wandering thoughts (about the ending of this friendship) back to what you are doing at the moment.
anitaMay 12, 2017 at 11:13 am #149237
thank you for your feedback, it just seems so wrong to pretend she does not exist when it seems just yesterday we were laughing so much. i cannot even try to fix this as she clearly expressed she does not want to be friends and that she does not want me in her life. how can i even apologize or make it right? i want to respect her space, but it would feel wrong to “ignore” her as i walk past her in class. in the few days that this has happened i have observed my other friendships and i realized that maybe my friendship to her did not mean as much as her friendship meant to me. im just so confused as what to do…let it go and accept we were not “friends” like we thought we were, or the fact that i messed up and tried to apologize but she wont forgive me and move on. she was not a perfect person either and neither am i, i just feel like she is judging me harshly and her expectations are too high.May 13, 2017 at 4:26 am #149279
I am not clear: does she want no contact with you at all? I understand the friendship is over, but will she be willing to talk about what happened, just so that you can have the information you need?
As is, my understanding is that you don't know what of what you said offended her. You wrote that you “tried to apologize”- apologize for what?
If you apologize for… nothing, there is no value to the apology. I wish you could meet for a post-friendship honest communication, for the purpose of learning and understanding what happened. If such communication is impossible, see to it that it happens in your other friendships.
Take good care of yourself.
anitaMay 13, 2017 at 10:39 am #149303
well she said and i quote ” i am better off with out you” .
i apologized if i said anything that offended her, and that it was not my intentions to hurt her feelings. but it is almost like she did not care anymore because she did not even bother to tell me what i had said that bothered her.
i just dont even know where we stand. like does not being friends mean not saying hi? not looking over at her? this is so weird.May 13, 2017 at 11:25 am #149309
“I am better off without you”- I can see this statement being unpleasant to the one hearing it.
Again, as long as you don't know what of your verbal output to her offended her, there is no way for you to evaluate it for offensiveness, and then figure out if an apology is needed.
I can also see how it feels weird, to be used to friendly greetings with her and now, no longer knowing how to behave, not knowing where you stand. I hope there will be a way for you soon enough to know a bit more.