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my bf has another gf

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This topic contains 15 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Eliana 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #163718

    perfect
    Participant

    i used to post here so thank you all for ur previews comments they mean alot to me .

    i m in really confuse situation now …i need some advise .

    i am in relation with my ex from last 4 months  ,we broke up before 6 yrs bt we had always feelings for each other,our relationship was long distance and lasted 2 and half years .my bf is already in relationship with a girl from last 5 years  .he doesnt love her but he cant break up with her now because of his visa problem .in 2016 his student visa was  finishd so he couldnt get visa but bcz of tht girl his visa was extended.

    i m in long distance relationship with him.as we started talking to each other it was too good .we used to share everything .we  used to do texting ,as he is a doctor and i m studying medicine in our busy schedule .but it was going great .he came to see me last week.we met after 6 years .he was wih me for 5 days and it was all fun nd good.he made me feel special nd planning about future .kissing me loving me making all kind a fun .talking about our marraige .

    before coming to see me his gf doubted on him and saw some of his msgs but she dint find a lot about us  but she is in doubt .

    so just 5days before he went .then i cant see his texts much.he doesnt text or call me .

    on 1st day of reaching his city he texted me that he reached and then 2 to 3 texts after that no nothing

    second day he sent two texts nd thn nothing

    3rd day same

    4rth day same but then i became emotioal and said  that i feel u r very changed after going frm here nd i wonder if i matter to u or not .then he said he is busy from last days at work nd his gf is also doubting on him nd checks his mobile everytime . etc but he replied me nicely calling me his love or beauty nd explaining me his situation .

    nd saturday nd sunday his gf is at home nd he said he has night shift he ll text me .but yestrday night at 11;30 i got a text but couldnt reply him as i was sleeping at midnght i woke up nd replied him its almost 2pm here still no reply frm him .

    what i feel is that i admit his gf can be at home but as he is in duty in hospital he should have replied me on way to home or after waking up.

    i dint get any text from last 5 days from him saying that he loves me .

    what should i do i m emotionally being disturb .

    is it normal for boys to act like this after being busy .or may be i m wrong judging him like this ..or may be i m doing just overthinking.

    i want to add here one thing that when we were intersted for relationship he told me in begninng tht he is in a complicated relationship nd thinking to end it .thus when i told him that i live him he said he is in complicated relationship nd dont want to play any game with me but he promised me to marry me although he dint answer of i love u nd he said that i better know its answer.

    but a week later he said me i love u bcz he told me that he couldnt wait to reply …

     

    i am very upset what to do .i have no idea ..

     

     

    #163720

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi perfect,

    You have to be strong. Being strong means: not talking to him unless and until there is no girlfriend in the background. It’s bad enough to have a boyfriend that hides his girlfriend from you. It’s worse to be the one being hidden.

    Do you want to be his dirty little secret?

    No! Of course not!

    So, tell him you will not talk to him or text him anymore until there is good news (for you!) on his relationship status.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    P.S. Yes, I understand about the Visa, but my advice is still the same

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  Inky.
    #163724

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Perfect,

    I can understand how frustrating this can be. I too have been in many long distance relationships and it never worked sadly. Unfortunately, no matter how much you care for each other, it’s very complicated. The fact that he has a girlfriend, and he seems unsure if he is going to “Break-up” up with her or not did not sound too convincing. That is a major red flag. Also, it seems, you are mostly communicating by texting, which in itself can be very complicating, because he has to worry about his girlfriend. Although he stated he loved you, and other nice things, he made no firm plans that he really wants to be with you. I will use a quote I often use, because it is so very true: “if a man, really wants to be with you, he would be with you, no excuses, period”.

    Also, there is the distance factor. You can’t see each other face-to-face every day, which can really put a strain on any relationship. Even though he stated he loves you (the second time) he did state he wanted a relationship. His communication with you, seemed rather superficial and vague. I also don’t like that when you told him “you loved him” the first time, he didn’t say it back, rather giving you a cheeky response. I see alot of red flags. I don’t think at this time, he is emotionally, or physically available. There is another quote I like to use: “never invest more time and energy in someone then they invest in you” and right now, he is investing 0 percent. You deserve better, a loving, healthy, stable man who lives in your city.

    #163742

    anita
    Participant

    Dear perfect:

    There are three people in this situation: you, your boyfriend, his other girlfriend. Your boyfriend is deceiving his other girlfriend and you are participating in deceiving her. I believe it is best for you to take yourself out of this deceit and see to it that you live an honest life, not deceiving anyone and not being deceived by anyone.

    anita

    #173083

    perfect
    Participant

    sorry for writing after two month ,i have read your comments and dint contacted him and he texted me”  Hi “one time  and i dint reply after that he never texted me .from last two months even his gf wasnt in that city for about 20 days .on the other hand i could see his whatsapp status it was sad  and like he was missing me and his profile pic was the same pic which i took of him(that wasnt too good)

    meanwhile i was confused too that why he dint contacted me because i was in commited relationship with him etc and if he is posting such status like he is missing me etc ..it was too tough days for me .but i wanted the reason that why he did like this ?and the reason y he dint come back when i walked away .

    after 45 days of silence it was his BDAY and i wished him .he thanked me .and then no conversation ..

    one of my mutual friend asked him the reason of breakup before 3 days .and his reply was that

    1-  i was in contact with my EX and my ex texted him and asked him indirectly that when is he going to meet me in my country?? even though i m nt in contact with my ex .and i dnt knw how nd why has my ex texxted him like this ?as no one knew about relationship even not my ex. and if my ex texted him like this y didnt my bf discussd wd me nd startd ignoruing me .

    2- he said he doesnt like that i share my things to some of his friends . here i am wrong but he never told me  that he mind such thing i never ever knew this he was always okey about these things ..i was so suprised with his this reason .

    3-he said i dont try to understand him and ask him to call me or talk to me  eveytime etc.here i am again very suprised because i never did this i always respected his privacy his time his job time  .apart from last week of my walking away i complained him that u dont talk or text or call me …

    4-once he said me that he ll send his parents for proposal then i should convince my family and i told him that u should convince my family etc and started kidding .thus he thinks i am not serious about him etc whatsoever .

    and that mutual friend told him to contact me directly and tell me reasons as i wanted to know . nd he replied him he will call me in  somedays .but my ex doesnt know that that mutual friend told me the reasons .he still thnks i dont knw the reason .

    so yestrday i texted him on his mobile no that just let me know when u have time so that i can calll you i dint get any reply .i thought may b my message wasnt deliverd

    so  today was my birthday nd i got birthday TEXT msg from him .i replied him on Whatsapp to be sure that my msg is deliverd to him .i replied thank you and again i wrote that when u get free just let me know i ll call u or jst call me …

    he seen my text in 5 mints but he dint respond me yet after 11 hours ..

    i want to add here today he went for picnic with his friend .may be he was busy …

    and he told that mutual friend that he dont wana live with that another  gf .when he discussd about me ..

     

    i dont know where life is going and what to do ?

    and why he is doing such behaviour ,

    what does it mean??what should i do now ?

    thank you .

     

     

    #173131

    anita
    Participant

    Dear perfect:

    In your original post, two months ago, you wrote: “is it normal for boys to act like this after being busy .or may be i m wrong judging him like this ..or may be i m doing just overthinking”-

    It is normal for men who are dishonest or too uncaring to let you know their positions to act this way.

    I think that you are overthinking because he is not letting you know his positions, not about you, his girlfriend or anything else. Without information, you overthink the little information you do have.

    It doesn’t matter, I believe, what he communicated to your mutual friend. If what he communicated to the mutual friend has any value, it would be of value only if he communicated that directly to you.

    I agree with your friend’s suggestion to him: “mutual friend told him to contact me directly and tell me reasons as i wanted to know”. Thing is he is not contacting you and the few contacts did not communicate anything of value except for one very valuable message: he doesn’t care enough for you to communicate with you and he is not putting forth any effort toward reviving a relationship you once had.

    I do hope you move on, placing this past relationship where it belongs- in the past.

    anita

    #173139

    Claire
    Participant

    Dear perfect, you deserve so much better. You deserve someone who is true to you and only you.

    As to why he behaves like That, because he can! He seems to think he can text and not text and it’s ok. He is using the carrot and the stick. Dangling contact and then going away. I think you need to find the inner strength and say no more. I’m worth more.

    Be strong x

    #173151

    perfect
    Participant

    Thank.you so much for your precious time.

    Yes i m doing overthinking because i was too serious about him.and us.and i overthink in every little information i get because i feel like he loves me thus he put such status or songs he shares that remind him.of me. But i dont know reality . What his motive behind it..

    Even after two months my heart ache and every single day i was finding reason tht where i went wrong .and waiting for his response or a single text .may be i dint do much self improvement and dint move on because i was unsure if we really broke up or whaat ? Or may b he wants me .. i hope you are understanding my feelings

    #173153

    perfect
    Participant

    Thank.you so much for your precious time.

    Yes i m doing overthinking because i was too serious about him.and us.and i overthink in every little information i get because i feel like he loves me thus he put such status or songs he shares that remind him.of me. But i dont know reality . What his motive behind it..

    Even after two months my heart ache and every single day i was finding reason tht where i went wrong .and waiting for his response or a single.text .may be i dint do much self improvement and dint move on because i was unsure if we really broke up or whaat ? Or may b he wants me .. i hope you are understanding my feelings

    #173155

    perfect
    Participant

    Thank.you so much for your precious time.

    Yes i m doing overthinking because i was too serious about him.and us.and i overthink in every little information i get because i feel like he loves me thus he put such status or songs he shares that remind him of me. But i dont know reality . What his motive behind it..

    Evenafter two months my heart ache and every single day i was finding reason tht where i went wrong .and waiting for his response or a single text .may be i dint do much self improvement and dint move on because i was unsure if we really broke up or whaat ? Or may b he wants me .. i hope you are understanding my feelings

    #173157

    perfect
    Participant

    And his all reasons which he gave made no sense to me . Sometime i feel like to write a letter to send him about his reasons or whatever he did . But that mutual friend gave me promise never to discuss that.reasons to.him….

    I used to.love him.because i thought he understands me.like no.body else and he never judge me or my past ..i was too open and honest to him that i even told him tht i am not virgin nd my Ex emotional forcd me once to.do Sex . I was too surprised that he told that mutual friend which is.his best friend about my past forced Sex to him .

    And he said he never judge me about my past .we were more like best friends according to me thn a lover ) but actually he was judging me .   .

    I mean i never dare to.share with anyone else apart frm him ( in our culture its not acceptable ,its like shame when a unmarried girl isnt virgin ) .

    And i never judged him nor his past neither jis present as he was living with gf .of course thy must have physical and every kinda contact i never asked if he does Sex or etc i.always understood him.gave him.pravicy..and even extra ordinary honest . May b my honesty was the most foolish act …as that mutual friend said,that u dint need to tell everything truth about yourself.and he said he thinks i m.fool.to be that.much Honest .

    And may be he is right . But that was my past and when someone love another thy dont.judge them or even their past .

     

    Regards

    #173159

    perfect
    Participant

    My post wasnt being submit . I dnt knw why.

     

    #173161

    perfect
    Participant

    Dear Claire. U r right he is ok with this . Or may b he is just playing . Can a person who loves sombdy can be Ok without communication . And even not calling or texting after she walks away ?

    I.texted yesterday him to let me know when he is free so.that i call him or he can call me its 2nd day neither he replied nor he called.

     

    #173165

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Perfect,

    He isn’t contacting you Because:

    1. He lives too far away.

    2. Things are very complicated..there are too many unknowns, doubts, insecurities, game playing (on his part). Unless he moves closer to you, does not have a girlfriend, etc, there may be a slim chance of things working out, but in this whole time, if things are this complicated, and he still has a girlfriend, things are not going to change.

    3. He is not interested in a relationship with you.

    4. He has a girlfriend.

    5. He is not emotionally available, and is not willing to invest any time or energy in to you.

    Like I said in my prior post, you deserve better.

    #173221

    anita
    Participant

    Dear perfect:

    It reads to me like you are ashamed and feel very uncomfortable about not being a virgin, it being that in your culture it is considered shameful to be unmarried and a virgin. You wrote that you shared with him that you are not a virgin, that maybe that was too honest of you to have shared that. Did I understand correctly?

    Did you write that he shared that information with the mutual friend, that you are not a virgin? If so, was it a betrayal of your confidence in him?

    anita

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