Hi all,

As of recent developments, my boyfriend (ex-fiance) of 2.5 years has divulged to me that he is gay. We started dating when we were in high school and we’ve been living together for over a year. A year into the relationship, he told me he was bisexual, but that he deeply loved me and that he wanted a future with me. That summer, he proposed to me and I said yes. We were ecstatic. Our relationship was full of love, passion, lust. Year 2 of the relationship was pretty rocky. At one point we were super toxic to one another and intensely arguing every day. So, he told me he did not love me anymore and immediately started dating a guy. And by immediately, I mean he literally went to his house the night we broke up and started dating him. At this point, he told me he was gay, but that his attraction and love for me was real. Then, 3 weeks later, he told me that his new relationship was a mistake and that he still loved me and wanted to work things out.

Foolishly, I ignored his previous confession of his sexuality (and the shady-ness of his new relationship) and I chose to continue the relationship. He told me he wasn’t sure of what he wanted. Either it was continue the relationship, or have him experiment with his sexuality.  We went to couple’s therapy, talked out all of our issues, and he decided to commit to me and continue our relationship. Things seemed to be normal after a while. But alas, it was not.

The last 6 months of our relationship has felt out of place and I couldn’t put my finger on why. Our sex life was extremely sparse (moving from 3-4 times a week to 0-3 times a month). He insisted it was because he was depressed. Over this time period, he was very wishy-washy. One day he’d be planning a future with me, the next day would be a series of “I don’t know”s. He was very closed off to me emotionally and physically. Because of that, I began to feel quite discouraged. I was putting every ounce of my effort into this relationship just for there to be no progress. I frequently expressed this to him and he’s always just told me “I don’t know”.  He still didn’t know what he wanted, despite me waiting patiently over 6 months for him to figure it out. He’s been going to therapy, and last week we had a serious talk about the status of the future of our relationship. He finally opened up to me and was able to be completely honest.

He confessed to me the things he’s needing for himself, and one of them was that he needs to experience a relationship with a man. However, he told me that he is still very deeply in love with me and that he wished we could have a romantic future together (but he could not ignore his sexuality). We agreed that open relationships were out of the question, as we’re both very monogamous individuals. This confession of his didn’t really shock me. In fact, I had been expecting it, but I was just waiting for him to come to terms with it on his own. He’s always told me he only watches gay porn, finds men attractive, and often referred to himself as gay instead of bisexual. And with the deterioration of our intimacy, I figured on my own that this is where our relationship was heading. So, it’s not really as earth-shattering as I expected it to be.

Alas, I am stuck in an odd position. We decided to remain, friends, best friends. Our relationship is very much like Freddie Mercury and Mary Austin. There’s still this love that isn’t expressed romantically anymore. We’re still living together because we have signed a lease that cannot be undone because of financial reasons. We still cuddle, I still cook dinner for him, he still does the dishes. We hang out a lot, and we still sleep in the same bed. Things feel right but at the same time, they don’t. I still have feelings for him, but I am very aware that I cannot change our predicament. I’m finding it hard to completely move on because we still live together, but at the same time, it’s easy for me? I’m oscillating between two levels of grieving and I’m not sure what to do. I want to preserve our friendship, but at the same time where do, I draw the line? What can I do to feel independent while still living with him? How do I move on? How soon is it to move on?

I’m grieving over a relationship that can’t be saved. It hurts because there’s nothing I can do. I’m tired of trying so hard all the time. At this point in my life, I feel genuinely happy where I am mental health wise, academically, maturity, and much focused. But this is obviously a huge life transition that I can’t suppress just because I’m happy with myself. Anyone go through anything similar? I feel so stuck.