Thank you for your time, really. He is now almost 10 days in with the antidepressants, we were doing better till today. I guess it is either a part of the process, or we’re not gonna be able to pull this through. Today, he wanted to break up because he is sick of himself for harming me emotionally. This happened after he forgot something on the floor and I accidentally fell because of it, no big deal for me but he got upset because it was his fault. Then he relapsed as he remembered how miserable I seemed after our discussions and stuff. (I get emotional very fast and I cry a lot as well.) So it was hard to make him a bit better after he got upset, we both cried for hours and discussed, etc. He suggested breaking up because of the reason I’ve mentioned above, and for the first time, I’ve said okay. Then we didn’t of course and moved on with our lives as depressive individuals, ate dinner, and watched stuff.

I see this from two perspectives, this can be because of the ups and downs after starting to the medicine, he mentioned that this could happen for like a month. In this case, I’ll wait till I see if this happens again in the next months as well. In another perspective, this is unacceptable for me. If these ideas (break up for me cause I’m not good for you) are gonna be there next year, the year after that and so on, then this is a huge red flag for me. I am someone who always has been broken up with in the past, I kind of see myself the sole losing party of relationships. Maybe after some time, they wanted to get back but the breakups were never my idea, always the other partners’ (Although there is not much of a relationship history but-) And my childhood traumas add these up with the abandonment issues. So him asking for me to break up, saying that he’s not good for me several times is started to make me feel nauseous out of anxiety. I feel like I might fail in this relationship too and then lose hope for good. So there’s that.

Thank you for your support. He started to use his tranquilizer these days and I didn’t know he took 2 pills today for example. He was first against it, I guess it made him feel even sicker to need them. But then he started to take when he gets weird mood swings, I’ve never seen him angrier by the way. He is also doesn’t think the psychiatrist understands him or cares him enough which is probably true. He thinks that “The doctor and the antidepressants would not make me gain/earn myself, it can only reintegrate me into society.”
(I’ve translated the full sentence he said, that’s why ‘make me gain/earn’ part seems awkward. He meant something like being normal again, loving oneself again, having hope again.)

He slowly started to not answer his parents’ phone calls sometimes, I decided for now it’s not my job to say anything to him, his sister has met me so if they feel worried, they can ask me as well, other than that I think it’s better for me to stay outside of this. I’ll search for ways to make us feel better again. We just need some hope in our lives, especially him.

he is failing this one and only one expectation that you have of him- then what is there in this relationship for you???

This sounds accurate but I don’t know how can I put myself first when he is putting me first as well and feeling miserable doing it. That can be a serious problem, I would be miserable to think of leaving him because he makes me unhappy. He doesn’t have anybody with him right now, since he started to lose contact with his parents, I don’t know where he would live and be with. He doesn’t have a place to go or a good friend to count on.

Other than that, maybe it makes me notice my own depression even less but I don’t know cause everything I get upset about, doesn’t end there. I get upset about one little thing and then I recall every single thing – trauma I feel bad about that subject and focus on those. I do this all the time, so maybe I’m pretty good at noticing mine as well as his’.