Dear Aiyana Henderson:

I used to wake up at 3 am, even earlier and get out of bed and go to the computer, so I didn’t go back to sleep. I learned to just lie there in bed when awake, imagine things and what happens is I finally fall asleep again. Maybe a noise-machine or a sleep machine will help (or whatever the online equivalent is), so that you hear rain falling or ocean waves crashing on the shore all night long, it may help you fall asleep or stay asleep.

You wrote: “people in general who claim they care about you, but they really don’t know what’s best for you”- are your parents included in “people”?

anita

Dear Aiyana Henderson:

Congratulations for finishing an internship at a hospital.  I am glad you are not pressured to move out and hope you will be able to support yourself shortly.

I want to re-read and study your posts in your past and current threads tomorrow morning, when I am bright eyed and bushy tailed, and type away a post for you with my study. Let me know if you do not want me to do so. Otherwise I’ll be back to this thread with my study in about 17 hours from now.

anita

Dear Aiyana Henderson:

You started 11 threads here, five of them before I became a member here, and six after. What follows are your words (not all of your words, but only your words) beginning June 11, 2014, all the way to March 8, 2020. In the next post will be my input.

June 11, 2014: “Hey, everyone. I love to write, so I’m going to explain my current situation.. I’m getting closer to being independent. At least, that’s how it feels for me. I’ve been finding more resources in order to learn more life skills and I’ve even socialized. I was never the popular girl in high school, but I wasn’t a full on nerd either. It was sort of in between for me. I graduated cum laude (with honors) and got special honors in Italian.

Oct 11, 2014: ..I have Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism. Throughout my life, my mother has been my advocate. Currently, I’m attending a community college. My disability makes it difficult for me to socialize with others. I’ve had a pretty rough week. On Sunday, I had to deal with my bank fiascos. Long story short, I couldn’t get into one of my accounts and my mom’s boyfriend had to help me out, but he was frustrated.. After the concert, my mom sent a message telling me to wait inside. I did what she asked me, but her boyfriend got upset. I go back out, he throws a fit. I overhear him tell my mom (he would call it eavesdropping, but it’s technically not if we live in the same house together) that I didn’t thank him. I thank him by text. He doesn’t like it. I do it in person. I’m frustrated. Tonight, I wasn’t hungry. He gets on me for that.

He’s never put his hands on us or anything like that. He has a good heart. But for some reason, I take his critiques personally. And I know that criticism is supposed to help you as a person, but I can’t help but feel it’s an attack. On top of that, I still don’t have a driver’s license (I’m 21), I don’t live on my own, I don’t always cook for myself, I don’t work because I can’t balance school and work well, and I just need some guidance. I feel a little lost. My mom has given me some advice, but I want to hear from someone else. I keep ratting my brain to see what I want to do for a career. When I was a kid, it was social worker or veterinarian, but I was a kid and I’m not good at math or science.

Then in high school and a little bit of college, I wanted to be a writer since I’m almost always reading. But I lost my desire for that from the field being competitive, not having the yearning to write my novel anymore, and the tasks to be published started to be tedious to me. I told my mom (I know, I’m mentioning her a lot) that I thought about being either an art librarian or a court reporter/stenographer. She told me to stick to typing or a data entry job. For now, I’m focusing on school. Now I’m going to be vulnerable, which I don’t like doing, but I have to put it out there.I’ve never had a boyfriend, never dated, and I’ve never had my first kiss. Again, in high school, and a little bit of college, (I was at a university for two years, then community college because it didn’t work out for me), I thought being with a guy was the most important thing in the world. I’ve come to accept that I’m better off being alone, mainly because of my Asperger’s. I don’t have a lot of friends. I have one guy friend, but he’s busy trying to leave America to go to Japan. I used to have a female friend, but she was always religious and I feel she never asked what I TRULY wanted to do (I’m not implying that religion is bad. I don’t mind it as long as you don’t put your beliefs down my throat.)..I’ve had counseling before and I sort of have my mom and her boyfriend as mentors.

Nov 4, 2014: Hi, everyone. I’m looking for more opportunities to be independent. My family and friends don’t know I’m doing this. I’m not planning on doing anything rash, but I’ve always wanted to travel around the world. I would do ANYTHING to have the opportunity to do that.. If anyone has any tips on how I can get travel opportunities, I will gratefully appreciate it.. I’ve worked with my mom on how I can be more independent. My family and friends do know I’m trying to be more independent as an adult.

Nov 23, 2014: Since this forum is entitled “Share Your Truth”, I’ve felt the need to express to the world who I am and how I got to where I currently am at now. My name is Aiyana, and this is my truth. I was born May 23, 1993 (for astrology people, I’m a Gemini.. I have parents, grandparents, an older brother, four sisters, lots of relatives, and I’m an aunt, too. Growing up, I was a bit of a tomboy. I wasn’t tomboyish to the point where I wouldn’t wear dresses, but at the same time, I never got into hair and makeup like my sisters until I was in my teens. My parents divorced when I was young. It didn’t really affect me though. My mom told me when it happened, I acted as if nothing happened. Plus, lots of people get divorced so it wasn’t like we were the only family to go through that particular situation. Other than that, I didn’t know I had Asperger’s Syndrome until I was 12 or 13 years old. I went from learning about it to wishing there was a cure for it to eventually accepting it. There’s no cure for my disability, or autism, for that matter, but I still live life like everyone else. What else has happened to me? In high school, I started to learn the Italian language and frankly, I was good at learning it and becoming fluent. I haven’t been to Italy yet. But I would love to travel. That sums up my story for now… I’m not too fond of telling this story, but at the time, I liked someone. I don’t want to reveal his name, but I basically liked him to the point where I got physically sick over him. I was sixteen at the time this happened. I went from wondering what was wrong with me to eventually getting over my “sickness”. To sum it up, I went from finding nothing wrong with me medically, to having to get over my personal issues mentally, and eventually, I found peace with myself. I got over the guy, too. I graduated from high school, got cum laude, and I received special honors in Italian.

Looking back on this time in my life, I’ve realized that I don’t have to change for anyone. If I’m shy, I’m shy. I’m naturally introverted. I have done better socializing. At this point in my life, I want to focus on being an actor or a writer, traveling, and basically doing what I was meant to do on Earth…

I like doing poetry on occasion, and right now I’m writing one book. I wrote a lot of poetry through middle and high school and won 2nd place for a poem. I’m hoping that the book I’m working on gets published one day. Then I did little note sections on Facebook mainly updating about my life, so that’s about as close to blogging as I got. If it’s okay, I’m hoping to get word about my book to attract more readers.. I published the book on deviantart.com and another site called authonomy.com I’ll post the link so you can read it. Please give me your honest opinion.

Feb 16, 2015: I’ve had Asperger’s my whole life and I also had trouble managing my stress and anxiety. Today, I couldn’t eat my meal with my mom due to my body not handling the food until I got home. While I knew in my MIND that I wasn’t stressed, my body has become so accustomed to being anxious at restaurants that I can’t always eat in front of people. I’ve already done therapy, yoga, meditation, etc. and I still do all of those things.. I’m open to anything. Live, laugh, love. ..I already figured it out. I just have to stay away from chocolate, remain calm, and enjoy food without eating too fast or gulping in air…

After my mom got out of the hospital, everyone reverted back to old habits. I HATE NEGATIVITY. There is nothing attractive to me about someone feeling sorry about life. For the past few months, I’ve been doing everything I can to get another job. I already sent my resume out, had an interview for a physical therapy job, and I can safely say my confidence is slowly coming back. Out of impulse, I got Cosmopolitan, a magazine I read religiously in college, before I went to another college, and a book about calming your angry mind. I can’t keep using technology as an escape for my problems. We have to face them sooner or later. I know I was destined to impact the world in some shape or form. Below are the links to my work:…

Oct 4, 2015: Right now, I am working with BRS to get a job. I have Asperger’s Syndrome and I’m a black female. I also think I’ll be single forever. It’s not because I’ve gone through a break up, or anything like that. I’ve never been that person who has a boyfriend. In fact, I’ve NEVER had a bf. I think that also was due to the fact that I developed anxiety. It’s gotten better, but I can’t eat at restaurants with my family because I throw up. And, like any other human, I have too many flaws to name…I feel that I should keep guys at a distance for now and not be insecure. Plus, guys I’ve had crushes on have never seen me more than a friend. That’s all I have to say.. I want a guy who has dark hair, straight teeth. Quirky sense of humor. But again, I’m not in a rush to be with anyone. Sometimes I like being single. But I also stay away from having a relationship with someone because there’s always drama between two people. On top of that, I’ve never been on a date before.. I want to stay single for the time being.. And as far as friends go, I only have one friend who I constantly text. I’ve never been a social butterfly.

August 25, 2016:..  I’m an Empath. When a therapist told me that I was on, I was very skeptical. I was self-aware of the term “empathy,” but I didn’t think it was actually a real thing. When I experienced other people’s emotions around me, and the environment in general, I started to realize that maybe this was a real thing after all. This explains so much as to why I’m always very sensitive, feeling intense, anything that leads to an emotional overload. I always thought it was due to being a teenager. Are there any other empaths out there? Please tell me your experiences. I want to gain tips to differ my emotions from others. P.S. I also have Asperger’s Syndrome. I get into an overload of just socializing.. I have a tendency to read off people’s energy. I think it’s due to having a very sensitive soul. If this is the case, that means I can use my sensitivity in a good way. I have to remind myself that every emotion I feel isn’t my own.. I can feel other’s emotions. I’m not telepathic. I only want to learn more on not having their emotions as my own.

Sept 29, 2016:.. The past four years, I’ve had feelings for this man in a popular singing group. I was in denial about how I felt about him, until I read articles about soul mates. I’m meant to meet this person. If I wasn’t, then I wouldn’t think about him as much.

Dec 10, 2016: Keep in mind that I’m not one of those clingy girls who waits around for a boyfriend. I’ve done that junk in my teenage years.. Some people find love and are lucky to have it. People like me need something different. Mother Teresa and Jesus Chris were single people, and they still have a huge impact on our world. If anything, I am done obsessing about my marital status. I resent how society makes you feel like an outcast just because you’re not in a relationship. My brother is in his 30s and he has never had a girlfriend, plus he’s someone that is nice. Currently, there is someone, but he lives in another country, just like my former crush. So it’s settled. I’ll be single forever and that will be the last time I talk about my marital status….I still live with the parents, and I don’t hang out with people my age often… there are pros and cons to both sides. Being Single means you have your freedom, but you never have someone to come home to. Meanwhile, in a relationship, you love the person now, but then you won’t be able to stand them due to all of their flaws.

What makes my situation unique is of course my autism. It’s not my whole identity, but it is a part of who I am. Not all guys will know what it is, how it affects my life, etc…. Right now, my motivation is tied between being a self published author, and having a job to support myself… I can’t cling onto other people to be happy. That screams insecurity. Like I said before, I’m done obsessing about whether I should be dating or not… Why bother falling in love if people just torture each other? Someone always has baggage, an ex, or some perceived fear that this relationship won’t work..

my dream is to still be a novelist, tied into my goal of moving out of my parents house. Due to the autism, I still have to teach myself life skills that people take for granted.. Did I mention that I’m a recovering perfectionist? Because I am. Part of me wants what everyone else has, but I hold myself back because I don’t want my heart broken. People leave. Maybe I should try to be optimistic. I like to think of myself as a person who looks at the glass half full. But it’s true. There have been times when I seriously wanted a relationship. I want to experience those moments of spending time with someone you love, a person who can still accept you , even when you think you’re not good enough… I’ve realized that I am deserving of love, regardless of my circumstances. And I’m not just saying that. It’s the truth…I don’t expect to fall in love immediately, but I hope that it happens eventually…

..  On December 30th, 2016, I started a social media detox. It hasn’t been easy, which isn’t surprising since I’ve had a habit of always checking my phone. However, I can have the belief that this will benefit me in the long run. I can’t keep comparing myself to other people’s lives. The past 3 days, I have gotten on social media, so that’s why this is still a process. As far as day 4 goes, it was actually better. I haven’t done two things at once with watching TV, and going on my phone today. Being true to myself is important for me in 2017. I did have a great new years eve celebration. I didn’t go anywhere. But it was great to be with family…  My detox, needless to say, only lasted about a few days, to a week. Shmurr (Superwoman reference.).. The only rules I have for my detox is if I need to call and text someone for personal reasons. Anything else is off limits, i.e., Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and the like…I’m hanging in there. I still have to ask my job coach about my job. My cousin says I might be good at technology, so maybe I’ll read up coding. Unfortunately, when you’re not physically disabled, the government doesn’t give you any work as easily. Since my autism is intellectually disabled, it’s harder for people to see that. Oh, and don’t take this the wrong way, but my name only has 1 N, not 2.

Nov 25, 2019:.. I had a rough day and I don’t want to communicate with my loved ones. For some reason, it seems easier for me to speak to strangers rather than them. I’ll give you a background story on myself. I’m autistic. Aside from that, I graduated from MCC. I feel proud to heading into the medical field. But it wasn’t easy getting there. For a long time, I went from hating my autism to finally accepting it. While I am glad that my confidence has soared, I still struggle with not taking things personally.

My childhood and adolescence was filled with me fighting against myself. I was always the one to always put others’ needs before my own. There were times I wanted to drop my life and become a different person where no one knows my past, present, and future.

The questions I have are these. How do I ignore the constant criticism that my parents give about the world? It’s not like I was born yesterday. I know life is hard. That’s why I read memoirs and non fiction. I sometimes wish I had done what I can to leave my city sooner…

When I said that I wanted to become a different person, I mean a person who is confident. Someone who just accepts life in its frustrating yet wonderful paradoxical nature. Sometimes when I go online, I see how people yearn for a better life. That’s what happiness is for, right? You need happiness to thrive to the highest potential you can accomplish. That’s likely part of the reason why I set high standards to get a job and to travel all over the world like I always wanted to. But when you’re part of a system that’s broken for so long, you almost start to lose hope.

Which is why it’s not that simple for me to move out of my house. A mentor of mine once told me that finding a job is a job in itself… I thought about going back to therapy but lately, I’ve been realizing that I have more strength in myself than I realized was ever possible… my family. We have a history of not always communicating well, and frankly, I don’t see that changing soon… We all have different interests.

If I had to give advice to myself, I would just keep being confident and try very hard not to get those things to me. I’ve done things because of other people’s opinions from unliking what I was into to deactivating a social media account. That’s not going to happen anymore…I also have more resources than I ever thought was possible. That would make people’s lives easier if they had the gusto to be confident in what they form to accomplish their goals..

Feb 18, 2020: .. 2020 so far for me has been a really good year. I still don’t work yet, but at least I volunteer. I’m even keeping up with my tarot. For the most part, I’m not worried about anyone I know reading what I write online. Everyone in my family is different and has busy lives, so I’m good. The hardest challenges I have had these past few years is staying optimistic in my job post and not taking what my family says or does personally.. One of my sisters is going to help me move out when I plan out my budget… my wants are more tied around advancing my career. I want to have more free time into my writing, learning more about astrology and tarot, my stories.

Self care is something I need and want. It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but sometimes I even forget to brush my teeth in the morning. And dental care is very crucial. That’s why you have to watch out for vultures in society. Everyone claims they care about you, but do they really? I’m not being paranoid; just stating the bare facts.

As far as the setting boundaries goes, I’m getting better at them. I just need to be more vocal about them. Good thing I’m a writer. I even thought about writing my thoughts and feelings through fictional characters…

Ever since I talked to a therapist again, all of my suppressed memories have been rising up..On top of that, I’m talking to someone who is really great. However, my sister and friends were all, “Be careful. Don’t come off too strong.” Hello! He still talks to me, so we’re good. I haven’t had the courage to ask why we haven’t hung out yet. I think I’m afraid of confrontation.

Anyway, the memory was about my teacher being angry and then there was another one where these two ladies got mad at me. The bus driver was even upset at me for being mad when I lashed out at one girl. Keep in mind that this all happened in elementary school . I remember feeling that I couldn’t get that I want…

I’ve been doing better at sleeping…Instagram has been a helpful too in me knowing that I can set my boundaries and still not worry about whether I’m a good daughter or not. It’s funny because I thought I should go back to seeing a therapist, but you’re the closest one I’ve got. Plus, it’s free and I won’t have to worry about money. There’s this part of me that wants to continue with taking huge adult steps in life: hanging out with friends, moving out, which I kept lowkey up to this point, and being responsible.

The good news is that I’m doing alright. Thankfully, no one is pressuring me to move out yet, which helps my anxiety up to 1000%. I finished up an internship at a hospital and I’ll be able to support myself shortly.”

(The above are quotes from Aliana Henderson’s 11 threads in record).

anita