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My depressed boyfriend broke up with me

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Eliana 4 months ago.

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  • #158494

    davis
    Participant

    Hi,
    I have been in a (very) long distance relationship for about a year and a half. My (ex)boyfriend has told me he was depressed before we met and he has had dark thoughts ever since he was about 10 years old. Lately he’s been starting to feel depressed again and a couple of weeks ago he broke up with me saying he needs some time to work on himself. He is now seeing a therapist and if necessary he will start taking medication. He wants absolutely no conatct right now as he “doesn’t want to have to worry about anyone else”. I am so confused as our relationship was so strong and our love for each other something I have never experienced in my life before nor have I ever seen any of my friends in such a strong relationship. I understand where he is coming from and I want to give him the time that he needs. He has expressed things in a way that he might want to get back together in the future by saying things like “we need need some time apart”, “we’re breaking up for now”, and “I’m not saying this is for good”. I do believe that he would never try to leed me on or keep me waiting if he didn’t sincerely hope that we could get back together one day. I guess my question is what are the chances that when he recovers he will find his way back to me? I guess there’s not one answer to that question but has anyone experienced something similar? At this point I’m not ready to move on either way, he is the love of my life, but it would be good to hear if there is any chance for us..
    If anyone has any thoughts or any experience with this kind of situation your input will be much appreciated.
    Thanks

    #158546

    anita
    Participant

    Dear davis:

    I don't have experience with this particular situation, that is, being in a long distance relationship with a man who broke up with me because he is depressed. If you would like my input anyway, here it is:

    You asked: “what are the chances that when he recovers he will find his way back to me?”-my suggested answer is that first, he may not recover. He will probably feel better as no feeling stays the same. He may have a … revival period of time, but the depression may come and go. I don't know.

    Second, what the relationship has been for you, what it meant for you is not necessarily what it meant for him. Meaning, if you got depressed maybe your reaction would have been to reach out to him more, for comfort while his reaction is to withdraw. He needed to break up with you, be it temporarily, because some aspect or aspects of the relationship are troubling him, standing in his way of feeling better, or so he feels.

    You could ask him what about the relationship is troubling him, what it is that he “doesn’t want to have to worry about”- that would give you more information and a better ability to predict likelihood of getting back together.

    anita

    #158562

    davis
    Participant

    Thank you for your answer!

    What was troubling him about the relationship was that it was long distance. Non of us have the possibilty to move right now but the plan was for him to move here in one year. He said being in a long distance relationship was really hard as it made him feel even more depressed as we couldn't see each other as much as we hoped. This is worrying to me as when (if) he gets better, we will still be in that same situation. However I think the are a lot of things that I could have handled differently to make things easier on him, but I realise we might not get a chance to try to do things differently as he might not comr back to me.

     

    Ultimately I just want him to get better, but the selfish side of me also wants him to want me back.

     

    #158696

    anita
    Participant

    Dear davis:

    His explanation to the breakup makes sense. I am glad you have this information. I heard long distance relationships are very difficult. I never had one but the short distance ones were difficult enough.

    I hope he recovers from his depression and that you recover from the breakup.

    anita

    #158704

    davis
    Participant

    Thank you!

    #158758

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Davis,

    I don't have much to add, but something to keep in mind that he may not get better or even if he does, or if he gets depressed again, many depressed people don't have alot of motivation to “up and move” “maintain long distance relationships”. Another concern, is let's say he does move, and he “gets depressed again” will be break up with you again? I suffer from depression myself. Sometimes the smallest things can be overwhelming. Long distance tends to make things very complicated. I hope it all works out.

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