Dear Cheri:

Your pain is so great, I can feel it, some of it, that is. The loss of your baby, as you refer to her and then the fact that she could have still been alive if only you chose to do this instead of that, and if only the other people involved were more responsible and caring.

The vet who asked you in a mean voice if you are changing your mind, he wasn’t caring for her or for you. He was probably impatient and wanted to get it over with, didn’t want to be delayed. On the other hand, the choices you made and the choices you didn’t make, those were not for lack of caring, that I am sure of, from my reading of your post. You sure did care about your dog. You still do.

She knew you cared about her, didn’t she, throughout your many interactions, she felt your love for her.

The choices we make and the choices we don’t make, the reality of what happened and the alternatives to what happened, what could have happened instead. These are endless figuring and refiguring of possibilities, in our interactions with others, people, pets. If only I did that, if only I didn’t do that.

I have more thoughts, but this is not about my thoughts, it is about  you and how you feel. I would like to communicate with you further, hopefully you will post more, more of your thoughts and feelings. This kind of pain you are experiencing cannot be resolved by a thought that I can produce here, no matter how logical and true. This pain will take time to resolve.

anita

Dear Cheri:

You are welcome. I think it is a good idea to get “more comfortable with death and mortality”. I  see it this way: your dog died. She was going to  die the moment she was born. The question was, if one asked, when, where and how. This is the same reality for every living thing on the face of the earth. No  one escapes this reality. Death is business as usual.

As you think of your dog, alive before, now dead, think of you: you are now alive and you will be dead, later. This is reality, the bigger picture. What it means is that this is not the reality: something happened to your dog that wouldn’t otherwise happen, some anomality that you will have to live with for eternity.

It was not an anomality and you will not have to live with it for eternity, because there is no such thing as eternity, not for any living thing that ever was and ever will be.

These are some of my thoughts. What do you think/ feel?

anita

Dear Cheri:

When we feel a lot of pain it feels like it will last forever, but the pain is not likely to last forever, even figuratively- it doesn’t have to last for as long as you are alive. Not at this intensity or close to it. Once you peel the guilt off the pain of loss, you will experience way less pain. It is your belief that you are responsible for her death that adds pain on top of pain. And so, this extra pain, that can be removed.

My other thoughts were about your responsibility. Most people are inattentive lots of the time. When we are inattentive we don’t make the best choices. Mindfulness, that is, paying attention on an ongoing basis is a big movement in the psychotherapy community and elsewhere, because it promotes healing and way better functioning in all areas.

Inattentiveness is very, very common. It takes practice to improve one’s attentiveness, or mindfulness.

Let’s say your dog was about to cross the street and you saw a truck approaching. All your attention would be on the scene, correct? Thing is, your dog was sick for a while, lots of happenings over a period of time. Because of that, your attention was not as sharp as it would have been in the crossing the street scenario, a one, short duration event. This is so for every person, it is tough to be attentive on and on and on.

Somehow, I hope you move toward forgiving yourself for being not as attentive as you wish you were, considering it is a human fault, so very common, not intentional. Thing is, even if you could bring time back, unless you practiced mindfulness for months before going back in time, it would still be unlikely that your attention will be sharp over a period of weeks and months. You would probably be anxious. The more anxiety, the less mindfulness we practice.

I need to get away from the computer and am losing focus, right here, my ability to pay attention is lower than before, when I was not as tired. I do hope you feel better soon. I will be back to the computer in about fifteen hours. I hope to read from you then and respond. Maybe other members will reply to you as well.

anita

i know this is 2020,

but I too just had to put my old doggie to sleep. I loved him more than life itself. He was magical and amazing.Thinking back to the last few months, i ignored all the signs that he needed an appetite increasing medication or something. He needed a vet. Had i done this I know he’d be on the bed with me as I type this. Its my fault. I know its my fault. When he was showing early signs of feeling sick, I didn’t act. I let him sleep in his comfy bed and deteriorate. I let him do that and i cannot forgive myself. He deserved so much more and I let him down.

Hi Cheri,

I welcome any and all of your thoughts.  I guess I am hoping there is something someone can say or do to help me… and maybe that’s just not possible.

Yes that’s definitely possible. I suggest you to do the ancient Hawaiian practice of Ho’oponopono. Very simple.

You will get rid of whatever guilt, grief, loss or whatever negative emotions you have. In fact you may even cultivate feelings of love even though your dog is not in front of you.

Take care.