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My Ex Cheated And I want Him Back :(

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  • August 21, 2018 at 11:49 am #222395
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    First thing to do is stop contacting him, stop talking to your family and to his family about him, no longer stalk the women he talked with on Facebook, in other words, control your impulsivity, calm down, prepare for the long term stay in Chicago (that is, not going back to Florida anytime soon). Settle down where you are.

    There are support groups you can attend, where you can talk about what happened and share your thoughts and feelings, groups like Coda perhaps. Psychotherapy/ counseling can help too.

    Regarding the three years you lived with him, you mentioned that you were verbally abusive to him, way before you discovered his cheating activity. How did you verbally abusive to him, what did you say to him during those years, in what circumstances, how often and how did he react?

    anita

    August 21, 2018 at 12:39 pm #222409
    Nichole
    Participant

    i have stopped talking to our families about him. I have stopped stalking facebooks. It is so hard to control my impulsivity sometimes. I feel like if I had and this month went by with less contact and more healing we could be in a better place. I am so afraid of preparing for the long term stay. I want to go back and fix our life like I know we can. How do I get myself to accept that. I feel like if we let go there is no chance. Where can I find these support groups? I’m going to look up Coda. I n the 3 years living with him I was verbally abusive when we argued which was often. I have no figured out that I have severe PTSD from childhood abuse and I have a fear of abandonment and I also have a terrible temper and unhealthy way of dealing with conflict that I learned from my parents. I understand these things now and I want to go reverse them so bad. He has apologized this entire month for his actions and I feel like I can’t let it go but who am I? I have done so much wrong including not allowing him to grow as a person and forgive  himself because I continue bashing him. I haven’t called or texted in a few days and I was thinking of texting an apology or even flying to Florida since I left so impulsively and apologize but at the same time always afraid he talking to women. I’m so confused 🙁

    August 21, 2018 at 12:41 pm #222411
    Nichole
    Participant

    i have stopped talking to our families about him. I have stopped stalking facebooks. It is so hard to control my impulsivity sometimes. I feel like if I had and this month went by with less contact and more healing we could be in a better place. I am so afraid of preparing for the long term stay. I want to go back and fix our life like I know we can. How do I get myself to accept that. I feel like if we let go there is no chance. Where can I find these support groups? I’m going to look up Coda. I n the 3 years living with him I was verbally abusive when we argued which was often. I have no figured out that I have severe PTSD from childhood abuse and I have a fear of abandonment and I also have a terrible temper and unhealthy way of dealing with conflict that I learned from my parents. I understand these things now and I want to go reverse them so bad. He has apologized this entire month for his actions and I feel like I can’t let it go but who am I? I have done so much wrong including not allowing him to grow as a person and forgive  himself because I continue bashing him. I haven’t called or texted in a few days and I was thinking of texting an apology or even flying to Florida since I left so impulsively and apologize but at the same time always afraid he talking to women. I’m so confused ?

    August 22, 2018 at 5:28 am #222503
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    You wrote: “It is so hard to control my impulsivity sometimes…In the 3 years living with him I was verbally abusive when we argued which was often… I continue bashing him”

    And then you wrote: “I want to go back and fix our life like I know we can”.

    It is a bad idea for him and for you that you go back to Florida. I don’t agree with you that “we can”. You for one can’t because you are still impulsive, you don’t have the self control required to fix things. If you flew to Florida and lived with him again, you will get angry again, and when you do, you will be verbally abusive to him again, and bash him again.

    Do the right thing for him and protect him from your impulsivity. And then, do the right thing for yourself and learn self control, be it in psychotherapy if such is available to you, in an anger management class, perhaps.  Coda is not as good as these two options, but it is a place to express yourself and be heard.

    anita

     

    August 22, 2018 at 6:33 am #222515
    Nichole
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, I really am working on myself and and seeing a therapist. I know these are things I need to fix in my life. But do you think after such trauma in the future we have a chance? If we both work on ourselves. I do not want to lose this man. I truly believe he is the one for me.

     

    Thanks!

    August 22, 2018 at 7:00 am #222521
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    You are welcome. I think that there is a chance for this relationship, based on what you shared and my understanding. If you learn to control your impulsivity, if you are able to never be verbally abusive to him again.

    If you do get together with him again, it is very important that your verbal abuse of him is not something you will be working on, but something that will never happen again, not even once. If you are not able to do this, better not resume a relationship.

    Unlike what a lot of people think it is possible to not abuse a person with whom we supposedly have a loving relationship. It is possible to never argue, but to respectfully talk again, resolve conflicts peacefully. It is possible to always respect the other, no matter how we feel.

    anita

    August 22, 2018 at 7:01 am #222523
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    August 22, 2018 at 9:57 am #222561
    Nichole
    Participant

    I want to do that. I want to work on myself and that is becoming more clear to me. And I know he has to work on himself. But I’m afraid of losing him or him being with other women while we take time away. That breaks my heart.

    August 22, 2018 at 10:47 am #222569
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nichole:

    Working on your self, practicing self control will help you not only if you did get together with him but in your life otherwise, regardless if you did resume the relationship with him. And it is work that you need to do regardless of the work he needs to do on himself. In other words, you need to not verbally abuse him no matter what.

    In life we often suffer the consequences of our actions, and of others’ actions. Part of the work you need to do, I believe, is to accept the consequences of your actions, this is part of maturing, and it will serve you well as you consider your next actions, remembering the consequences you already suffer and preventing future unpleasant consequences.

    anita

     

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