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My ex's unhappiness is making me miserable

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  • February 7, 2019 at 4:09 am #279117
    Nairobi
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’ve posted a couple of times on here. I was in a relationship for 6 years, it was my first relationship and  it started in my teens, so it was a huge part of my life. It was a long distance relationship, so eventually it became too hard, because altough we were very in love, we both felt stuck. When my boyfriend broke up with me I was devastated. I panicked at the thought of not having him in my life, and I’d never felt so sad, helpess and lost. Even so, I decided I would not handle it poorly. I was understanding and kind and although I was grieving I accepted his decision once I realised I couldn’t change his mind. I refused to post sappy stuff on social networks, and instead decided to be dignified about it and just carry on as best I could.

    Eventually, I met someone new. It’s been 8 months and I’m happy with my new partner, but my ex came back into the picture. He let me know he had made a huge mistake, that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Nothing in our situation had changed, so this was no good. But ever since, he’s been doing the exact same thing I resolved to never do. He posts sad statuses on whatsapp, lyrics of songs that used to be ours, etc. I’m so unhappy knowing he’s not ok. It just breaks my heart, knowing he’s like this because of me. I want, more than anything, for him to be well. Our relationship ended because of our circumstances, not becuase we didn’t love each other. We do, very very much. It’s been very hard and emotionally exhausting, coming to terms with the fact that love is not enough.

    I wish he could get better, I genuinely want to seem him thrive. I’ve told him this but ever since we made the decision to stop all contact (for his sake, mostly), we haven’t talked again, and altough we’re not talking, I know all of these messages he leaves are for me to read. I don’t know what to do, I should definitely carry on with my life, but knowing he’s stuck makes me miserable.

    Any advice? Thank you

    • This topic was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Nairobi.
    • This topic was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Nairobi.
    February 7, 2019 at 4:44 am #279129
    Valora
    Participant

    It just breaks my heart, knowing he’s like this because of me.

    Hi Nairobi,

    The thing is, he’s like this because of himself. He’s ultimately the one that chose to end the relationship and then waited 8 months to decide it was a huge mistake, after you’d already found someone. That’s not your fault in any way.

    Next, what he’s going through is natural. He is just grieving in the way you had to at the beginning but choosing to do it in a different way. You might feel bad because you are now not grieving, but you already went through it. If you are not getting back together, there is really nothing else either of you can do than to just let him work through the grief. So in the meantime, I would just not look at any of his stuff that he’s posting and, eventually, his grief will subside and he will meet someone new, he will then feel better and the posts will just naturally stop.

    February 7, 2019 at 5:02 am #279133
    Nairobi
    Participant

    Hi Valora,

    Thank you for your words. I am aware that this situation is the result of his actions, and that it’s not essentially my fault. I’m conflicted because I may be happy in my new relationship, but he’s still very much present. It also scares me that, as much as I want him to move forward, I don’t know what it’ll be like for me when he does… Knowing he regrets his decision was something I thought would be good for me (emotionally speaking), because it had been very difficult for me to accept that someone who i know loved me so much and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, could break things off so suddenly. For the months that I was grieving I blamed him and this helped me reaffirm myself. But his change of heart has taken that away from me, if that makes any sense. Previously, I could rationalize that this was the result of his actions, and that I didn’t want it to happen, but now it has been me that has had to deny us of a future together by refusing to get back together and I don’t feel the right to blame him anymore, only to feel sorry he is suffering because of me.

    February 7, 2019 at 5:27 am #279141
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nairobi:

    A little summary of what you shared in previous threads, May and December last year:

    You met your ex boyfriend when you were 19, he was 23. “He has been my first everything and the most important person in my life”. You lived in different cities and saw each other one weekend a month, which was not enough time for you, “I always felt like I wanted more”. You had doubts about the relationship, feeling that  you were “losing (your) opportunity to meet other people and experiment”, and many times you went to see him “thinking about asking him to take a break”, but once with him you forgot about the break because, you wrote, “I was reminded that being with him made me happy”.

    His family was religious, and over time, “He has become increasingly religious”. When he traveled with you, spending the night with you, he lied to his parents because they disapproved of sex before marriage. You and him talked about marriage and children, but you believed in living together before marriage and he (and his family) didn’t.

    He had a family business and “a very absorbing family and group of friends (also religious)” who told him that you are not right for him. He used to be sure about you, telling you that you were “the best thing that had ever happened to him, that he wanted to marry me and be with me forever”, but then “he’s giving up… I’m willing to fight to make it work and he is just giving up”.

    “He is one of the sweetest, nicest, most caring people I have ever met, but I kept waiting for him to be brave and stand up for us until  I realized it was most likely never going to happen”. He broke up with you, “essentially ghosting me” by May last year, and “He later admitted that he was heavily influenced by friends’ opinions when he did”.

    Following the breakup you were very depressed but “decided to pick myself up and make some changes. I got my driving license, a new car, a new job and I’m currently studying a masters”, you wrote Dec last year. “Unexpectedly I found someone else too” He is “everything I wanted my ex boyfriend to be: he is clear, ambitious, knows what he wants” and you have been with your new boyfriend for eight months.

    Recently, your ex contacted you, “saying he had made the biggest mistake of his life and that he realizes what a coward he has been. He says that he is willing to change things”, but you are aware that “he is not a decision maker and he is not brave when it comes to life changes”.

    Your problem is: “It just breaks my heart, knowing he’s like this because of me. I want, more than anything, for him to be well… I genuinely want to see him thrive”.

    My advice: write him/ email him a letter. You read to me like a very sensible, understanding, insightful person. You are probably in the position to give him better input and advice than anyone in his life. And so, if I was you I would write to him about your understanding of his situation, the difficulty growing up with religious parents (I bet there are books and articles about that that you can locate and suggest that he reads), the need of a child, into adulthood, to please the parents, the conflict between self interest and the need to please parents, and so  forth. I would suggest to him to see a quality psychotherapist.

    In that letter I would also let him know that you are in a committed relationship with another man for quite some time, that you are not available or willing to resume a relationship with him, and that you so very much want “for him to be well… to see him thrive”, but not within a relationship with you.

    anita

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