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My Father

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  • This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Inky.
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  • December 11, 2016 at 2:17 pm #122462
    Jonathan
    Participant

    My father was a successful entrepreneur in the 70’s. He acquired land from his father, and built a successful cattle breeding farm. When BSE hit England in the late 80’s the business too such a huge hit that the farm was sold. A couple of years later my my parents separated and my mother left him, taking my younger brother and I with her to live in a council house. Learning to live by himself, my father met another woman, a divorcee with 3 children and they are still happily together. Over my teenage years and my 20’s I eventually lost all contact with him. Any time we spent together was uncomfortable and his new partner made it clear I wasn’t welcome. The only memories I have of the past ware of him being angry and so intensely verbally abusive that I still hear his voice cursing me to this day. I have dropped contact for 5 years now and am scared to see him for what he might say. He spends his winters travelling to Spain…

    I sent him a Christmas Card this year at last. He may get it before he drives out…

    December 11, 2016 at 7:06 pm #122480
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jonathan:

    It is very sad though, that your only memories of him is him being verbally abusive toward you. That is not the reason you sent him the Christmas card, to get more verbal abuse. I am guessing you sent him the card because you want him to love you, isn’t it so?

    anita

    December 12, 2016 at 5:39 am #122498
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jonathan,

    My father shouldn’t have been a father (I’m telling you this so you know that I understand ~ more than you can imagine!). Your father shouldn’t have been a father. Some people just are not cut out for being parents. Or married.

    Children from a failed marriage are a reminder of the failed marriage and of the parents failure.

    Children from a previous marriage are also evidence to the new spouse that at one point their husband/wife had a life without them.

    Second marriages and ready made families are a chance to start over when you are older and wiser. You can be the hero for once instead of the bad guy who failed in life.

    So you see what we are dealing with.

    A big reason why these fathers don’t initiate contact, or much less apologize is SHAME. Your father deep down is ASHAMED of himself and so can’t face you. And the more happy, successful and well rounded you are the more they feel shame that you didn’t need him in the first place!

    Your father knows that he is not worthy of you. You can always write him a card next year or on YOUR birthday and write: “I forgive you. I am doing great and it’s a shame you are missing out on so much. Here is my contact info.”

    Another thing you can do is (this is REALLY hard but can be REALLY effective) is to visit your dad’s new family on holidays. And call him, your step mom and your step sibs on their birthdays. And take them out to dinner/lunch around their birthdays if you are close enough. Individually if you can. They will be confused. Stymied. And like you. And feel guilt. You are telling your father that you DO matter, you EXIST, and you are NOT going away that easily!

    And he is older now and so are you. If he tries to verbally abuse you say like a broken record, “There’s no reason to say that. You can speak to me respectfully.” Repeat. Repeat. Calmly. Broken record.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Inky.
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