Hi Jonathan,

My father shouldn’t have been a father (I’m telling you this so you know that I understand ~ more than you can imagine!). Your father shouldn’t have been a father. Some people just are not cut out for being parents. Or married.

Children from a failed marriage are a reminder of the failed marriage and of the parents failure.

Children from a previous marriage are also evidence to the new spouse that at one point their husband/wife had a life without them.

Second marriages and ready made families are a chance to start over when you are older and wiser. You can be the hero for once instead of the bad guy who failed in life.

So you see what we are dealing with.

A big reason why these fathers don’t initiate contact, or much less apologize is SHAME. Your father deep down is ASHAMED of himself and so can’t face you. And the more happy, successful and well rounded you are the more they feel shame that you didn’t need him in the first place!

Your father knows that he is not worthy of you. You can always write him a card next year or on YOUR birthday and write: “I forgive you. I am doing great and it’s a shame you are missing out on so much. Here is my contact info.”

Another thing you can do is (this is REALLY hard but can be REALLY effective) is to visit your dad’s new family on holidays. And call him, your step mom and your step sibs on their birthdays. And take them out to dinner/lunch around their birthdays if you are close enough. Individually if you can. They will be confused. Stymied. And like you. And feel guilt. You are telling your father that you DO matter, you EXIST, and you are NOT going away that easily!

And he is older now and so are you. If he tries to verbally abuse you say like a broken record, “There’s no reason to say that. You can speak to me respectfully.” Repeat. Repeat. Calmly. Broken record.

Blessings,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Inky.