Dear Victoria:

I would say priority #1 is that neither your mother nor you (or any siblings) live with your father, that a separation takes place safely. When that happens, your mother will probably need psychotherapy as well. I have more thoughts but have to get away from the computer. I will be back in about 12 hours from now. I will then re-read what you shared and anything you may add before I return, and reply further.

I hope other members answer you as well.

anita

Hi Victoria,

Your mother doesn’t need your father’s permission to separate from him.  She can take some personal possessions and leave today.  I’m sure she has plenty of grounds for divorce.  Her own personal safety and yours should be the most important consideration in all of this.

Up until now your father’s threat of suicide seems to have worked in keeping this marriage going in its abusive state.  This may sound like a hard line but if your father did choose that route, then he is the one that should take responsibility for that choice.  No-one else.

Unfortunately, no-one can change your father’s behavior.  He has to be the one to do it.  Likewise, if your mother wants to stay, there’s nothing you can do about it.  I am not sure if you are still living at home but if you are, you might consider finding your own place.  Your mother needs to consult a lawyer to find out where she stands in all of this.

Peggy

Dear Victoria:

“I’m a single child (24 y.o) and my parents’ marriage has been a nightmare for as long as I remember… His actions and reactions have always hurt everyone in the family.. My biggest concern, of course, is my mother. Where does she stand in this situation? She’s been so unhappy for so many years, having to take care of everything for him, being strong, independent but so unhappy”-

Your mother wasnt “strong, independent” enough to leave him, was she?

And, she focused on the following: “to take care of everything for him“, but what about taking care of everything.. for you, providing you with a safe home by separating from him early on, so that you don’t have to grow up with aggression?

A child, be it minor or adult, often focuses  on her mother’s well being but not on her own. You are more of a victim of your father than your mother is, because you were introduced to him as a baby while your mother entered into his life as a young adult. You will need to heal from your lifetime experience of living with your aggressive father and with your mother who did not protect you from him. I am sure you will continue to care for your mother, but take care of yourself first.

I hope you post again.

anita