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My feelings are distracting. How do I deal with romantic distractions?

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  • #149433
    Lester
    Participant

    A friend of mine that was a girl were both invited to a potluck event. I didn’t think anything of it in the beginning. I texted her the night before asking when the potluck starts and during the conversation we thought it would be better to just carpool. So we carpooled to the event. We had a great time. We laughed a lot at silly things and I’ve discovered that we have the same sense of humor.

    After the event, we both didn’t have anything to do so I asked her if she wanted to go rock climbing because that was my plan for myself that day. And she agreed. However, we were both so silly that we thought it would be better to get drunk first, then go rock climbing. That’s exactly what we did. We got wasted and we stumbled our way to the rock climbing gym. After about 15 mins of rock climbing, it was obvious we were drunk so we got kicked out. We laughed it out and moved on to the next adventure.

    Then, I asked if she wanted to go to the pool at my place. She agreed, at this point it was already 10pm at night and we are starting to sober up. We had a great time, again more laughing and being silly.

    Then we dried ourselves in the house and then she started showing me some moves in salsa dancing class that she is taking. I joined her and we invented some silly salsa dancing moves. Naming them with ridiculous names.

    Finally we got tired. We sat on the couch. We’ve been comfortable touching each other all day that as soon as we sat in the couch I instantly thought that kissing was the natural thing to do. So I did. It felt like the right thing to do in that moment. And, she welcomed the kiss. Next thing I knew, we were making out. I tried to progress but she held on to her clothes. At that point I remembered her saying something at some other event, about not having sex with anyone that is not her boyfriend. So I thought that must be it, and I respected that so I stopped.

    Instead I asked if she would wanna cuddle in my bed, and I could take her home in the morning. She agreed, and so we did. We ended up just cuddling all night. We tried to sleep but couldn’t. We slept like two hours and just talked the whole night while cuddling. I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t believe what just happened. I’ve just had the funnest accidental date I’ve been in and now I’m laying cuddling and have kissed a girl I never thought would ever be interested in me. I’m not sure why she couldn’t sleep either.

    When daylight came, we had coffee and breakfast and I dropped her home like I promised. It was kinda strange. We were still laughing and being silly but for some reason we avoided talking about whether we would see each other again. We both said to each other how great of a time we had, but I could pop the question of whether she wanted to do it again. The goodbye was also strange, because I wasn’t sure if I should kiss her again or not. We ended up just hugging goodbye.

    This was just over 24 hours ago. I’m still in shocked that just happened to me. Dating has always been painful for me because I’ve always just been rejected. I would get my hopes up that a girl might be interested in me by going on a date with me but just ended up being rejected in the end. So I gave up trying to date.

    I don’t want to assume, but I think she might like me too.

    The problem with this however, is that I’m in that all too familiar state again. I’m getting my hopes up. Now, she is all I think about. I know it’s not the end of the world if she end up just rejecting me in the end. I’ve had many rejections, what is one more? But, I just wanna get over this phase. It is not good for my career. I’m enjoying my job a lot and barely starting to taste success. This feeling is distracting me from working hard and being focused on my goal. It’s overwhelming.

    I’m torn, because I wanna avoid getting hurt if possible because getting hurt would effect my focus. But at the same time, I can’t stop the high that that experience just gave me. How do I deal with this? How can I tell her how I feel without scaring her away?

     

    Side note: Another source of anxiety I have about this situation is I’m self conscious whether I would be her type. I’m a short small framed man. I’m 5’7 145 lbs. She is about 1 or 2 inches taller than me and she has dated only tall guys according to her Instagram. I’ve always felt like my failure at dating has always been the fact that I’m a small asian man. Statistic confirms that women date asian men the least. Not only am I asian, I’m also small. So I feel hopeless. Not sure, if I should believe that.

    Some part of me, feels that it would be better to just scare her away. Get over what is inevitable, so I can heal earlier in the relationship before I become more invested. But, a big part of me is hoping, and hoping a lot this would work out. I need help :/

    #149499
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Lester,

    I would treat this girl very light heartedly as this all happened while she was drunk. If you see her again, have it be in the same context: A party with her first, and then doing other things alone with her after. Only this time make sure she’s not drunk. Then you’ll know for sure.

    And to make you feel better I would get crushes on some guys smaller than me. It’s all about the connection.

    Best,

    Inky

    #149503
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lester:

    The two of you had a great time. Rock climbing when drunk? In a gym, with safeguards, ropes to hold you if you fall, not as dangerous as if you went to nature, attempting to climb heavy duty, steep rocks (hope you don’t do that!)

    I like it that she held on to her clothes and that you didn’t try to get her off her clothes- that is an encouraging to-me aspect of the experience, in terms of hopes for a relationship, beyond what already took place.

    As a human, a man, you need social interactions in general and a  loving relationship with a woman, specifically. It doesn’t matter how tall you are, how much you weigh and other factors- the need is there. She needs the same. You mentioned statistics. I suppose statistically taller, bigger frame men have more dating success than shorter, smaller men. Fortunately, it is only a statistic. For a taller, bigger frame man suffering failure in relationships, this statistic doesn’t help. For a shorter, smaller frame man enjoying success in a relationship, the statistic means nothing.

    You only need ONE woman to like you, enjoy your company and be physically attracted to you.

    If I was you, I would initiate a second date with this woman, sooner than later. Make the next date one of a shorter duration and sober. Maybe a coffee and pastry date at a coffee house during the day, have a conversation. Talk about what happened and otherwise.

    You will need to balance your career life with a personal life. If dating causes you too much distress and is too much of a distraction, it is a problem. This is why I suggest contacting her sooner than later, so that if this is a no-go, you will be relieved from the distress and be free to focus on your job. If it is a potential go, take it slowly.

    I hope you post again.

    anita

    #149547
    Lester
    Participant

    I texted her. Forgive me for trying to get dating advice at this website but I’m desperate. I think I got some positive news. Here what I texted her:

    “Hey Bre, I gonna try this being an adult thing and speak out about how I feel. It’s been on my mind a lot and I need to get it out. I really did enjoy our time the other day. It was an awesome surprise. I especially enjoyed cuddling with you until sunrise. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt I’ve really connected with someone. I would love for our Friday shinnanigans to happen again but I’m mature enough that to know that my feelings aren’t the dictators of reality. You might feel the contrary. So all I can do is tell you how I feel. With that said, just know that you can be comfortable telling me the reality of the situation. I’m not one to be upset over reality, so whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll know how to deal with it. It doesn’t risk our friendship either. I’m still your homeboy whether you’d cuddle with me or not. And I’m not saying you have to tell me soon either. You can take your time thinking about it if you are not sure yourself. ”

    “Also, I know this text do read very proper. It’s not because I’m drunk, although I had a glass of 805 earlier. I’ve just learned recently that it’s better to lay things out on the table on matters like this. It’s better for everyone in general.”

    “Goodnight Madam. I wish pray fortune on your pilgrims (not sure what pilgrims mean).” Lol, yes my text does sound weird but a lot of it were references to the silly things we incountered during our time together.

    After 12 very long hours she replied with this;

    “Aww Lester I would love for our Friday shinnanigans to continue as well 🙂 I had a lot of fun with you on Friday and most of Saturday.”

    Is this positive? I know how to play things cool, but never gone this far with a girl before. This is a new territory for me.

    #149561
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lester:

    Her response to your long text was positive and short. If/ when you text her again, a much shorter message will be better, I believe. Look at her reply: two sentences only. Her reply was positive nonetheless.

    Are you going to suggest seeing her this Friday?

    Can you maintain adequate calm and adequate focus at work as you proceed with this possible relationship?

    anita

    #149607
    Lester
    Participant

    I hope so.

    #149629
    anita
    Participant

    I hope so too, Lester. Post again, anytime.

    anita

    #149655
    Craig
    Participant

    Lester,

    All the signs are that she is interested in you.  I think she will be more interested in you if you take it easy at this early stage – back off of grand pronouncements of your feelings. I get the impression that you’re in a hurry for this to work – does it seem that way to you?

    And, not moralizing, just speaking about biology, your health, and your body: I hope you’ll back off of the alcohol too.

    Craig

    #149663
    Lester
    Participant

    I’m not really in a hurry. It’s just that I wanted to be clear that my interest is sexual. I’ve had a very painful experience where I liked a friend of mine and we became very good friends and had lots of fun but she never considered me as a sexual partner. I try and tell the girls I like that I’m sexually attracted to them early to avoid what happened before. That way they can reject me early on and I have a lot less time that I’ve invested and I can heal much earlier and faster.

    But yea, I’m not rushing anything at all. She called me yesterday about hanging out tomorrow, but I told her I couldn’t because I really am busy tomorrow. We scheduled for Friday instead. Haven’t talked to her since.

    #150115
    Lester
    Participant

    Update: so we got together again Friday, basically doing the same thing but doing it sober. We went out and had lots of laughter and silliness and we went back to my apartment and had sex. When we woke up in the morning, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she agreed. So she is my girlfriend now.

    Now, my question is how will my relationship with my friends that are girls but also girls I was pursuing change? Before Bre and I happened, I made sure to make friends with a lot of girls. I thought it would increase my odds of finding someone. I’ve made plans with these girls before Bre and I happened. I agreed to go on a road-trip with some girl. And, I agreed to a date with another girl that is coming back from a month long vacation. I also am in regular text messages with other girls.

    Just to be clear, I did not agree to these plans after Bre an I had our Friday accidental date. So, how do I deal with this situation? Should I tell Bre this? How would a girl view this kind of behavior? How do I cancel my plans with these other girls?

    #150117
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Lester,

    So now you’re in a different place. Nice.

    How will your relationships with female friends that you were pursuing change? I think that depends on what you do.

    I’ve always thought that keeping things simple and clear was best for me. You’ll have to decide for yourself. But if I were in your shoes, I’d text the girls that you’d made plans with and say something like “I like you as a friend, but my life has changed a bit, and I’m happily involved with someone else. It’s best that I don’t go on that trip with you. Thanks for understanding.”

    But that’s just me. Since you’re now sexually involved with this girl, you’re at a deeper level of intimacy, and unless you and she want some kind of open relationship, going on dates with other girls is going to bring a lot of drama to your life.

    #150189
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lester:

    My advice: now that you have a girlfriend, and for as long as you do, no longer try to make new friends that are girls, do not make new plans to meet the girls you did befriend (not without your girlfriend), kindly cancel he road trip with the one girl,  the date with the second, and stop the text messages with the third.

    If you are not in a relationship, in the future, you can go back to the contacts you made. While you are in a relationship, don’t destroy the one you have for the contacts you made.

    I wouldn’t tell Bre about this and focus instead, on your career when you are working and on your new relationship, separately.

    anita

     

     

    #150193
    Lester
    Participant

    Thank you very much Anita and Craig. This is a new territory for me but I’m determined to continue to succeed in my career as well as have a long and great relationship with Bre.

    #150199
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Lester. I like your determination. Post again anytime.

    anita

    #150205
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Lester,

    You’re welcome. I like the way you’ve been working through all this. Keep going!

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