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My fiancé tweeted something mean about me

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Valora 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #295497

    dreaming715
    Participant

    My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and will be getting married next year. He’s loyal, patient, loving, and supportive (both emotionally and financially in our relationship).

    He’s been a huge fan of the band Phish since he was young and has seen them perform over 60 times around the U.S. I wasn’t really familiar with Phish before I met him, but I was very open and interested in being a part of something that has always meant a lot to him. The night before he proposed to me we actually went a Phish concert (this was my first Phish show).

    I’ll admit that I felt a little out of my element, but I try to appreciate things for what they are- even if it may not always be my cup of tea. They played a slow, “romantic sounding” song that I really liked called “If I Could.” I told my now fiancé that was my favorite song of their two sets.

    Well recently I noticed several months back that my fiancé tweeted on the day that he proposed to me: “I took my gf to her first Phish show last night. She liked it, but said her favorite song was ‘If I Could.’ Don’t know if I should be impressed or sad.” (Sad meaning disappointed.)

    I asked him what he meant and he was apologetic and said it was a bad attempt at a joke amongst his fellow Phish friends. Apparently he thought I may have had bad taste in their songs and decided to use me as the butt of a joke.

    I’m still hurt and a little angry about this because this is the first time I feel like he directed something kind of mean-spirited toward me. And what’s more baffling is that I thought that was our song because he had his arms around me for it and after we got engaged he asked if I thought that would be a good first dance song at our wedding.

    I’m just confused. I don’t know why he tweeted that and threw me under the bus for a joke… especially if deep down he actually likes the song as well.

    Maybe I sound dramatic, but now I feel like the song doesn’t have the same meaning to me that it used to and I feel kind of betrayed- like I was showing a genuine interest in this part of my significant other’s life and he insulted me so his friends could have a laugh.

    Am I overreacting? 🙁 He apologized and deleted the tweet so now I guess I just have to let this go?

    #295503

    Mark
    Participant

    dreaming715

    If you plan to be with this guy over the long haul then figure out a way to deal with your reactions. Good for you on communicating with him about how you felt and good for him for acknowledging you. Now let it go.

    What he did was not intentionally mean spirited and he loves you. That’s all you need to know.

    Mark

    #295505

    anita
    Participant

    Dear dreaming715:

    My answer: yes, you are overreacting. And not just by a bit. I see no betrayal. His joke wouldn’t have offended me, I don’t think, it was an inside-joke among the fans of this particular band.

    This means that it is okay for you too to say something unintentionally that may hurt him. Unintentional, mind you, just like the joke he told, unintentional- everyone says things sometimes that irk others, for all kinds of reasons. Doesn’t mean the person was wrong saying whatever it was, it just so happens it irks someone.

    When he found out that you were offended, he deleted the twit and I imagine he will not joke this particular way again. Same, when you say something that offends him, make a mental note of it, and don’t say  that particular thing again.

    Congratulations for getting engaged!

    anita

    #295509

    dreaming715
    Participant

    “Intention” is the key thing we’re discussing here. He knew that making fun of the song I liked would get a laugh from his friends.

    No one likes to be the person everyone’s pointing and laughing at. It hurts.

    What would’ve been wrong with him just tweeting: “I took my gf to her first Phish show last night and she actually liked it.”

    #295513

    dreaming715
    Participant

    I’ll eventually get over it… but I do think he was feeling cheeky and intended to make fun of me.

    #295515

    anita
    Participant

    Dear dreaming715:

    When he made that joke, you were the outsider, and he was joking with the “inside people”, the band’s fans. Do you think this is part of the hurt that you feel, having been on the outside while he had his own inner circle, in that context?

    anita

    #295517

    dreaming715
    Participant

    Anita- Yes. Absolutely. I feel like his friends are part of an exclusive fan group together and I’m on the outside.

    I don’t feel particularly “included” in this group at all. I think that’s why the comment stings so much.

    #295527

    anita
    Participant

    Dear dreaming715:

    I believe I know how that feels, I felt it a whole lot in my life, many times. It feels badly, certainly. I suppose we have to learn to share the ones we love, with others, to a reasonable extent because as badly as we want, we can’t be everything to the person we love, we have to share.

    I wouldn’t like to share a boyfriend or a husband with another woman, not at all, but I have to share him with some of his family members, friends, as they do things together that I don’t like to do and as they have a history I have no part of.

    It is tough but .. well, got to learn to share, make your together with him, this exclusive group of you and him, make it special, make it a quality relationship, make it honest, respectful, loving. This is the best you can do.

    anita

    #295601

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Dreaming715,

    What if you just learn more about the band and it’s culture and why that would be funny so you can feel a little more included? Sometimes jokes really are just jokes and aren’t meant to be mean in any way, and it can only be to your benefit to learn how to be okay with being the butt of an originally well-intended joke (meaning he wasn’t trying to hurt you with it), even maybe poke back a little bit. Being able to take a joke, especially when it’s directed at you, is a very attractive thing to most people.

    I understand how this upset you initially, but he clearly intended no harm and I think it’s a positive thing that he deleted it right away because that shows that he cares about your feelings. A lot of guys would just tell you to get over it. You’ve got yourself a good one.

    #295691

    nto
    Participant

    What worries me is how you feel. If deep inside your heart you knew it was just a joke and you shared these kinds of jokes with him as well, it wouldn’t hurt that much, would it? What I wonder about is if you are having second thoughts about this engagement for reasons that you have not disclosed here. You present him as being a really good guy so of course we’re going to say that it was just a joke. Do you often feel this way though? As though there’s something not quite right with him… Something you can’t quite put your finger on, but you know in your gut that something is wrong because it pops up here and there as something secret or mean. If you’re asking yourself these questions maybe there is a reason. I think that if you were in fact overreacting you wouldn’t be here looking for answers, and the fact that you’re here means that you’re having second thoughts for a good reason. Of course, I may be wrong.

    #296045

    dreaming715
    Participant

    Thank you all for the replies. After several days and a few discussions with him, I’ve concluded that I did blow it out of proportion. He is a great guy and I’m not looking for a reason to end our relationship (although looking back, nto, I can see why you’d wonder that).

    I’m currently in therapy for childhood trauma and abandonment issues and have an estranged relationship with my drug addicted mom and I also have a distant step-mom who has always been critical of me and distant, but very loving to her biological children.

    So I think all of that mixed with a dose of anxiety and depression has led to fear-based responses and being overreactive. It’s a good thing that I actually have a therapy appointment today. 🙂

     

     

    #296057

    anita
    Participant

    Dear dreaming715:

    You are welcome. How well you put it, so well I want to repeat it: “I.. have an estranged relationship with my drug addicted mom and also have a distant step-mom who was always been critical of me and distant, but very loving to her biological children. So I think all of that mixed with a dose of anxiety and depression has led to fear-based responses and being overreactive”.

    I can see how the jealousy/ anger involved in witnessing your step mother close and accepting of her bio children but distant and critical of you was activated when you witnessed your fiancé kind of .. close and accepting of his friends in that context of the  joke, but distant and critical of you.  Although the distance and criticism was small and in a very limited context, it seemed big because of your early life, wide-context, significant experience.

    anita

    #296081

    Valora
    Participant

    I’m currently in therapy for childhood trauma and abandonment issues and have an estranged relationship with my drug addicted mom and I also have a distant step-mom who has always been critical of me and distant, but very loving to her biological children.

    So I think all of that mixed with a dose of anxiety and depression has led to fear-based responses and being overreactive. It’s a good thing that I actually have a therapy appointment today.

    This makes total sense for why you reacted the way you did (as Anita explained, that joke brought your trauma to the surface), and the fact that you recognized it and can connect the two is a positive step toward both your recovery and understanding in your relationship. When emotional reactions are out of proportion to events, the faster you are able to connect those events and the feelings they bring up with past trauma, the quicker you are able to get a handle on your emotions and where they are REALLY stemming from. That ability is SO helpful in life. Not only does it put things into perspective, it also helps to heal from the trauma itself, even if it’s just a little bit of healing at a time. I have personally found therapy to be so helpful, so I wish you luck with yours as well!

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