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My girlfriend [24F] broke up with me [23F] around two weeks ago. I'm trying to l

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • October 15, 2017 at 3:38 pm #173311
    Samyukta
    Participant

    My girlfriend broke up with me around two weeks ago. We had been long distance for a while, then were in the same city for around 3 months before I had to leave the country for graduate studies. She had been cheating on me for a little more than a month, living with the ‘other girlfriend’. We were both unaware of the other.

    I found out after I moved and she called by accident, I heard them fighting. I called the other girl and we spoke, and that’s when she confessed. She immediately asked me to forgive her and take me back. I thought about it for a while and told her that I’m willing to give it another try. She said the same for a few days. She abruptly called me one night and told me that she didn’t want to be long distance even though she loved me very much. She said that she’d be taking space from me and the other girl too, and looking to move out. However I know from their social media (which I have since then unfollowed for my peace of mind) that they are still behaving like they’re even though she said that they are being ‘without labels’.

    She told me that she felt that I’d abandoned her and was being selfish for leaving the country, that she felt alone and that she couldn’t talk to me about it,and the other girl was there for her so she took that comfort. And the other girl was there for her when I wasn’t. I know she did a terrible thing by cheating on both of us and lying to us for so long, but I can’t shake the feeling of guilt for choosing to leave for my studies. I also couldn’t be there for her at her lowest. On the night I found out, after talking for a few hours (fighting,with the other girl shouting in the background), I told her that I need to take a break and get something to eat, and that she should eat. I went to eat and saw that she wasn’t active on chat- so I went to sleep after telling her to contact me when she saw the message (there’s about a 9 hour time difference between us). I woke up to her call telling me she’d overdosed on pills, and she wished that I’d been there on the phone with her at least at that time. It felt really bad that I hadn’t done that. I can’t shake that feeling of guilt and loss…

    Long distance requires that both people are able to function well alone.

    October 15, 2017 at 4:37 pm #173325
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Samyukta,

    What happened after she overdosed on the pills? Is she okay? Do you still love her and want to salvage the relationship? Do you have any idea or ask on her overdose? Sorry, I’m a bit confused. Is there anyway you can get a plane ticket for her to come and see you? Maybe the two of you need to talk things out. Acknowledge her feelings and tell her you had no intention of abandoning her. Do you want to work things out with her? Is there any way she can move to where you are going for your studies, or can you establish a schedule of weekends where you can go and see her? Your studies won’t last forever. Just some thoughts.

    October 16, 2017 at 6:40 am #173385
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Samyukta:

    You wrote: “I can’t shake that feeling of guilt”- if it is guilt over the termination of the relationship, I understand you taking 50% responsibility for it (the other 50% is hers). If your guilt is over your ex girlfriend feeling badly about you leaving the country, about her having an intimate relationship with another woman, about her taking pills, then my input is that you carry 0% responsibility over how she felt and feels and what she did.

    50% responsibility for the relationship, roughly. 0% responsibility for her emotional experiences and actions. People in distress will try to give you more responsibility than you have, so to relieve themselves from taking responsibility for their own lives. It happens a whole lot.

    anita

    October 16, 2017 at 9:12 am #173401
    Samyukta
    Participant

    She is fine – she puked soon after and the situation was fine. But I sometimes can’t get over how messed up she must have felt that night and I wish that I had not gone to sleep/taken a small break. I honestly thought that was the best thing to do at the time, she was up till really late and we had been fighting for so long, I thought it was better if we both just took a step back for a short time.

    Unfortunately, plane tickets between India and the United States are really expensive, and visa rules strict, so she probably can’t visit me anytime soon. I’m also a student, I’m not earning, and she’s just started earning. We did speak about it for about a month. I made it clear that the reason for me to leave was only and only to pursue my career as I honestly felt that it would have stagnated in my own country at this point in time – and I might have ended up being really unhappy if I’d made the decision to stay only based on our relationship, and that in turn might have affected the relationship. I told her that I was still willing to give the relationship another try long distance, come to see her whenever I could, and once I had some experience professionally, come back to her. It would have taken a minimum of three years however. I had told her this much before, as I didn’t want to mislead her. She was initially ready to try it out after all this happened, then suddenly changed her mind and told me that she doesn’t want to feel alone with me far away. She’s dating the other woman now.

    October 16, 2017 at 9:15 am #173403
    Samyukta
    Participant

    I didn’t terminate the relationship – after finding all this out, I gave it a week before telling her that I still want to give it a chance, and initially she was on board, but after a few days told me that she didn’t want to do long distance and that we’d have to let go. I understood that, I just wish she’d been honest with me from the beginning. It would have been much cleaner, and fewer people would have been hurt. And yes, I’m feeling guilty for the way she felt about me leaving the country, that I couldn’t be there for her in the way she needed, and that she feels badly now.

    October 16, 2017 at 9:25 am #173407
    Samyukta
    Participant

    Dear Anita – thanks for your response.

    She called me up the next morning, told me what happened, and said that the other girl was there when no one else was – and that she’d always be grateful to her for that. And that she wished I’d been there for her.

    October 16, 2017 at 9:40 am #173409
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Samyukta:

    You wrote: “I woke up to her call telling me she’d overdosed on pills, and she wished that I’d been there on the phone with her at least at that time. It felt really bad that I hadn’t done that. I can’t shake that feeling of guilt and loss…”-

    When the above happened, she was in India and you were in the U.S.  My question to you is the following: if you were feeling very badly, lonely, distressed in the U.S., and you took an overdose of pills, would you have told her that you overdosed because of her, that it was her fault? Would you have given her that “gift” of guilt?

    anita

    October 16, 2017 at 10:01 am #173417
    Samyukta
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thanks again for your response.

    I would have told her, but I wouldn’t have told her that it was her fault. She also didn’t tell me that she overdosed because of me -just that she was really messed up at the time, and if I’d told her that I loved her at the time, she might not have felt so much like a waste of space. She later said that it wasn’t because of losing me per se but her own feelings of guilt at lying to both of us for so long that made her do that, but she wishes that I’d been there on the phone just talking instead of taking that break. She also later told me that she recognizes that it was a stupid thing to do, and that she didn’t want either of us to feel responsible for anything.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Samyukta.
    October 16, 2017 at 10:16 am #173423
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Samyukta:

    You are welcome. Well, she did suggest her taking pills was your fault, that it was because of you when she told you that “if I’d told her that I loved her at the time, she might not have felt so much like a waste of space”, and when she reported to you that it happened while your phone was turned off. (Later on she said different things, indicating taking some responsibility for her actions).

    Thing is, people often make gestures of suicide, shows of it so to get attention and to make others feel guilty, delivering a message of this kind: “see what you made me do? See how you hurt me? See what a bad person you are?

    The self serving part of such a manipulative gesture is something like this: “and now, you fix it– make right of your wrong doing!

    anita

     

    October 17, 2017 at 6:34 pm #173619
    Samyukta
    Participant

    I suppose it is quite manipulative, now that you put it that way. She couldn’t deal with my decision to leave (which didn’t have anything to do with her but had more to do with my professional life), and she did admit that she wanted to hurt me for it.

    October 18, 2017 at 8:33 am #173717
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Samyukta:

    The honest and straightforward way for her would have been to say to you: I feel hurt that you left the country, that you choose your professional life over our relationship. I wish you chose me! I feel angry at you for choosing your professional life over me!

    Her way was: she felt angry at you and tried to hurt you. She made a gesture, a suicide gesture, and as a result you felt guilty. Feeling guilt is painful, and so she succeeded in her effort to hurt you.

    Feeling responsible/ guilty over a person’s decision to commit suicide is a terrible guilt, isn’t it? On the other hand, feeling responsible for a person decision to make a gesture, that is… not so terrible of a guilt, is it?

    (I see no valid responsibility on your part for either one: a gesture or the real act, if such was to be. Fortunately it was not).

    anita

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