January 5, 2023 at 4:46 pm #413259
hello, so my name is J 25m and my ex gf now 23F broke up a week ago due to her depression. She was stressed out due nursing school and she doesn’t work since she focuses on school. She failed one of her classes and it hitted her pretty hard and she has been depressed for about a month, it took a big toll on her where she’s not enjoying things she use to love. We had a healthy relationship where we enjoyed our time together, talked everyday and when we had arguments; it doesn’t last more than 5 mins because we ended apologizing to each other. The day she broke up with me is when she was upset and needed me but didn’t state that she needed me which caused her to be emotional and say all these hurtful things regarding our relationship. We decided to have one last day together and it was very emotional. She stated that she breaking up with me because her depression is getting worse and she doesn’t turn her love for me into hate. That really hit me hard because my previous relationship was abusive and she understood my past. I told her I would wait for her because throughout my dating experience, I never felt anxiety nor distrustful of her. It was always us smiling, laughing and doing silly things, so it’s hard for me to let go at the moment since I really did care for her.
During the last day she came by to drop the pictures of me and stuff I gave her and I asked do you want your stuff back and she told me no. I wasn’t sure what to think of that, and I told her to hold on to the necklace and the bead bracelet I got her when she comes back to me again and I would hold on to the promise ring I got for her back in October 2022. We cuddle and watch anime for our last day and we cried a lot, I could still imagine her face when she had to say goodbye to me and she told me she’s going to therapy for help and btw she never had bad trauma except of her strict parents who control her. I even ask her are you going to talk about our relationship with the therapist and she told me; “no because our relationship wasn’t the cause of my depression” Alittle back story of the promise ring, I was very hestitate about giving her a promise ring because my previous relationship would abuse and threatening to break up with me, so it took me awhile to gain the courage to give her a promise ring. She absolutely loved it and since the depression started happening, she was afraid to wear it because she has been forgetting or misplacing it which never happened before. She still has my location, follow me on social media and etc which gives me alittle hope that she would come back eventually. I do understand that I need to take this time to disassociate myself from her in order to work out the issue we had and improve myself but it has been a struggle because my severe anxiety is coming feeling like everything is a lie to comfort me or she might find someone new. I know it’s early stages but I just need some advice on how to get through this no contact, I finally grieved for the relationship the other day and it was the hardest thing I done so far.January 5, 2023 at 8:33 pm #413275AnonymousGuest
Dear Joe: I will read and reply in about 12 hours from now.
anitaJanuary 6, 2023 at 10:52 am #413293AnonymousGuest
I am sorry that you are going through a breakup and a heartache!
“She was stressed out due nursing school“- I am guessing that nursing school, similar to medical school, is very demanding and stressful.
“she never had bad trauma except of her strict parents who control her“- growing up and still living with strict parents doesn’t help her stress level, to say the least, does it…
“we had arguments“- the way I understand it, is that even though your arguments did not last long, they were still a source of stress for her. When added to her other two stresses (above), it was too much for her. And so, she had to remove some stress from her life: she can’t remove her strict parents from her life because she is living with them and is financially supported by them (?); she didn’t want to quit nursing school, so.. she quit you.
“The day she broke up with me… (she said) all these hurtful things regarding our relationship“- what did she say, if I may ask?
anitaJanuary 6, 2023 at 11:42 am #413299
With nursing school, her mind set is to finish school because she used to be active for the military and was completely happy before she moved back home. So since she failed one of her classes, she has to watch her new friends she made graduate before her and it hitted hard.
She didn’t want to quit nursing school cause her pride is there, she doesn’t want to quit something she started even she hated nursing school and nursing in general. Her parent are financial supporting with a home but she mostly got everything covered by the military.
the day she broke up with me was her being emotional due to a lot of unfortunate situation I can’t say. But the main thing is that she doesn’t see a future with me and the con outweigh the pro. I tried asking her to clarify and she said whenever she talks about her problem with me, it feel like she’s talking to her mom. Whenever she’s down, I always try to give her advice and all she wanted me to do was sit and be there for her cause I have been in the situation so it was jsut me trying to help her out also she felt like we never do things that we plan cause it’s always ever changing. I have notice those signs and tried to do everything under plan the past couple months before the breakup but I guess she couldn’t see it. We spent our last day together and she told me that she didn’t want to her love for me into hatebdue to her depression. She did apologize about the day we broke about what she said and told me she still loves me. I even asked if she’s going to talk about our relationship in therapy and she said no because our relationship was not the cause of my depressionJanuary 6, 2023 at 12:09 pm #413300AnonymousGuest
“She said whenever she talks about her problem with me, it feel like she’s talking to her mom… We spent our last day together and she told me that she didn’t want to her love for me into hate“- read like she’s been angry with her mother and with you (projecting her mother into you, perhaps): she wouldn’t be worried about hating you, if she didn’t already feel anger at you.
“the main thing is that she doesn’t see a future with me and the con outweigh the pro“- reads like she gave the relationship and the breakup some thought before actually breaking up with you, enough thought to come up with cons and pros.
“She did apologize about the day we broke (up) about what she said, and told me she still loves me. I even asked if she’s going to talk about our relationship in therapy and she said no because our relationship was not the cause of (her) depression“- when people break up, they usually try to be gentle about it, to not hurt the other person’s feelings more than is necessary. It may very well be that she still loves you though, but her love may not be enough to outweigh the cons she has in mind, and the anger.
anitaJanuary 6, 2023 at 2:17 pm #413307
I know I should be working on myself but she still keeps me in contact and still have each other location. She tells me that she wouldn’t want me yo wait for her cause she doesn’t know when she will get better. I know deep down she loves me cause the way we spend our last day together was genuine. Should I give her the space she needs and just focus on myself?January 6, 2023 at 2:38 pm #413309AnonymousGuest
“Should I give her the space she needs and just focus on myself?“- yes: only within the space that she needs, can she figure out what it is that she needs. During this time, there are Mindfulness Practices that you can put into practice so to live-in- the-moment, no longer getting lost in regrets about the past and worries about the future. Are you aware of Mindfulness? If not, there are resources online, including on the front page of this website, under BLOG (Mindfulness & Peace). I will be back to the computer Sat morning (in 16 hours from now), if not earlier.
anitaJanuary 7, 2023 at 4:06 am #413322LunaIsHereParticipant
I hope this reply finds you well.
While reading your submission, I felt so much depth behind the story of your relationship and I caught on the care that each of you have for each other. From what it seems to me and from your narration, I feel like this could be a decisive time for your relationship and that does not necessarily mean a bad thing. In this sense, since evolving is only natural and you both seem to have a great love for each other, getting through this tough time for both you as individuals and partners will do wonders for your relationship if you do find each other again. This is the best time to wish each other well, to learn to be patient, to find the courage within yourseleves to go through life and its challenges, this the time to explore your possibilities as individuals and together as partners or as people who really care for each other (labels aside).
While I can see how this time might feel really hard for you, and for her as well, it is going to test the depth of your relationship in a way that you will have a direction if you come back together, and even parting, although it does sound tough right now, would be done mindfully. The most important thing, right now, it seems to me, is for you to have no expectations and let go of any outcome. You need to be sure of what you want so that when the time comes to make a decision, whatever it is, you will make it proudly and certaintly.
For now, as well, do your best to listen to how you feel and take care of yourself, and be receptive when she needs help. Those moments of help are always remembered. It is most likely that you will be a good and sweet memory of her if your hand is outstreched for her to hold regardless of the outcome after her healing process. Have faith in the beauty of your relationship and have faith in yourself that this is temporary and better times are coming for both you. I wish you both the very best and I hope that you can find comfort in these words somehow.
Also, I wish her a successful healing and I hope you both find the strength that you need in these hard times.
Sending you peace and love your way today,
-LunaisHereJanuary 10, 2023 at 2:03 am #413550
Just an update on my life. She hasn’t contact me yet and my anxiety shot off the roof today. It’s been super hard but I got it under control, once I got it under control… I recieved more bad news, my niece has cancer and my second mother has passed away. I don’t know how to process anything and I just feel numb… this has been too much for me and I feel like I’m going to lose myself even moreJanuary 10, 2023 at 2:36 am #413551HelcatParticipant
I’m so sorry, you must be going through hell right now. My condolences for the passing of your second mother. I hope that your niece’s cancer will be treatable.
I think it’s understandable that you feel numb considering the situation. You are dealing with so much in a short space of time. Everyone deals with grief in different ways, so please have patience with yourself and do your best to take care of yourself during this difficult time.
Would you like to talk about any of this? Please feel free to share whatever you want to.