My happiness depends on other people

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by Hannah.

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July 10, 2017 at 12:13 pm #157354

Sloppy_dreams
Participant

Hi, everyone!

I’m going through really tough period of my life. I’m getting a help of professional psychologist but anyway I need something additional too. I need to know that I am not alone. So, I decided to write and ask advice from people who suffered from this problem.

The whole of my life, my mood and happiness, even my motivation and productivity heavely depend on other peoples’ attitude towards me. I know, this is the shittiest thing in life, and I don’t know why I didn’t try to solve this problem before. Believe me or not, I want to scream, I want to cry like the craziest people on earth, but I couldn’t.

Now I’m 21 years old. I’m doing an IELTS course. My teacher the best one in his field. In the beginning, everything was ok. I tried to do my best. For what? For myself, for my career, for my future, for my dreams. But day by day this turned to be competition. I started to compare myself with other students. At first, it didn’t seem something damaging or serious. But know, I can feel that it directly affects my motivation. I can’t study just because someone is good than me in our course. Someone is more talented, someone has more good results than me. I know, this is meaningless, but I can’t get this out of my mind. I try, I really try. But I can’t. I feel myself good if my teacher praises me, or if I show good result on test. But when I see other student has impressive results, or tacher praises someone else a lot, I become depressed, nervous, disappointed. I don’t feel something romantic to my tacher, please don’t get me wrong. It’s all about my abnormal psychology 🙁

I don’t know what to do. I should take an exam as soon as possible. But since these shittiest things have devastating impact on me, I can’t concentrate, I can’t focus. I compare myself all the time. I criticize myself every single day.

This may seem simple for you, or how to say, unserious issue. But every day of my life like a hell, I suffer from this problem and I know that maybe there are some people who suffer from this problem too. I just can’t breathe anymore, I can’t enjoy my life. I forget about my purposes, my goals, my dreams – now I only want to be the best one.

July 10, 2017 at 12:52 pm #157366

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sloppy_dreams:

You wrote: “This may seem simple for you, or how to say, unserious issue”- no, it does not seem a simple issue to me. And no, it does not seem an unserious issue. I know it is a serious issue because “every day of my life like a hell, I suffer from this problem…” Your suffering is a serious issue.

I don’t think it is your abnormal psychology, depending on people’s/ teachers’ praise and grades to feel okay, and feeling distressed when other students get praise or good grades. It is normal psychology to need other people. We are social animals born to need praise from our parents and teachers. Even very old people, in their nineties, need praise from others, still.

Thing is, you cannot eliminate this dependency, this need because it is not abnormal. It is natural. Everyone depends on others this way. What you can do is learn to moderate, calm, soothe this need for praise, so that not getting it is not this devastating.

anita

July 10, 2017 at 3:53 pm #157398

Cara
Participant

Hi sloppy_dreams!

I don’t think this is a small problem, nor do I believe you’re abnormal, because I have experienced this as well. I ALWAYS used to compare myself to others. The big thing for me was social media. Social media had created this idea in my head that whatever that person was posting about was factual and true, when in reality, its not! People are only going to show and emit whatever they want you to see, not what they’re actually feeling and what their life is actually like.

How did I over come this? I went to therapy too. I for for another reason though- the sudden death of my mother. While in therapy though, I brought up my comparison issue and heres what my therapist suggested:

First he suggested to cut out social media. This eliminated me comparing myself to everyone else and let me focus on self growth. This also cut out that instant praise we get when someone follows, likes, or whatever it may be. Now, I know you’re dilemma isn’t social media here, but what if you could try this in your class? Instead of focusing so much on other peoples praise, why not try praising yourself when you know you did a good job. Engage in positive self talk. You’ll feel a lot better about yourself.

I graduated from PennState with my Bachelors of Science in Psychology just 3 months ago, so believe me when I tell you; seeking praise is normal! We like to know we’re doing a good job from others- it keeps us motivated! But i also know this, If you can validate your work and a positive feeling through positive self talk and personal care, you won’t depend on others opinions and praise because you’ll already know that deep down!

I really suggest you practice some self care; it really helped me in my journey. You could look into mindfulness, meditation practice, and over health care. This is what I did, and also how I make a living and help other. Please post again if you’d like further input (:

-Cara. Mindful mentality.com

July 10, 2017 at 5:33 pm #157406
Mark
Participant
Hi Sloppy_Dreams,

I used to be like that, too. I used to compare myself to other people in the room and imagine all the things they might be saying about me. Then in my early twenties I began to imagine like they were saying the worst possible things that they could possibly think of. I imagined they called me ugly, and fat, and stupid, and that I wasn’t good enough to socialize with them. Maybe I was the worse person in the entire class.

So what?

I realized that I cannot ever know for sure what people think about me, but I can work on knowing myself. If you are living life they way you think is right, a way you can be proud of, then what other people think won’t bother you as much. Is there something about yourself or your life that you wish you could change? If so, create a list of steps that will help you work toward that change and appreciate the progress toward becoming the person you want to.

Another suggestion I would have is to find something you love to do and appreciate doing it instead of thinking about all the things that bother you, many of which may not even be true. Anytime you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, maybe you can pull a book out, or pull up a favorite app, and try to lose yourself instead of falling into the emotion. You probably won’t even remember what is bothering you now by the end of school.

Focusing on ways you can help others can also take your mind off all the anxious thoughts. You can reflect on the good that you did during the day instead of all the imagined judgments of other people. Even simple things like a smile or a compliment could make someone’s day.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Mark.
July 11, 2017 at 12:22 am #157420
Sloppy_dreams
Participant
Dear anita,

Thank you for your understanding. I know that this need is normal when it is in moderation. But in this case, unfortunately I can’t cope with this problem. Anyway, it is good to know that nobody criticizes me, but understands and appreciates me. This is very essential for me. Thank you.

Dear Cara,

You can’t imagine that how your comment helps me. I read every single word very attentively. It’s very valuable to know that someone else experienced this problem too. Yes, in my case it isn’t about social media, it’s about real interaction, but anyway it helps me to calm down. Yesterday when I wrote my problem here I was really nervous. I needed to share my problem with someone else, but you know after reading your replies I feel much more good than yesterday. I smiled when I was reading your comment at first, because another point is that, I’ve graduated from my psychology degree (BA) too. You know, when psychology students suffer from something it’s much more difficult to cope with it, because you know what’s going on, you know reasons, but you can’t help yourself properly. That’s the reason why I approached to psycologist. With the help of her and your I believe that I will able to cope with this problem.
I like your advice and I promise you (and actually myself) that I will try to do this. I believe that it will help me. I don’t want to live all my life with this disgusting feeling.
I’m sorry for your mother. I hope that now you’re much more happier and your life more satisfying than in the past.
Thank you for your help and understanding. I’ll absolutely visit your website and give you feedback!

Dear Mark,

Thank you for your comment and willingness to help. I read your comment carefully. This thought really impressed me: I realized that I cannot ever know for sure what people think about me, but I can work on knowing myself. It’s definitely what I need. I need to know and love myself as my therapist said me. She said that the main problem is that, I appreciate and love myself because of other people, not myself. The hardest part is to deal with this problem. But know I’m sure that I will able to do this. Your thoughts awake me in some way and now I believe myself much more. However, I think that it’s also the sign of my need for people’s understanding, praise and support. It’s the part of my problem. But anyway, it’s the basic need for us, the need for support and care.
You wrote that Is there something about yourself or your life that you wish you could change? Definitely yes. It’s another part of my problem. I’m not satisfied with my life and education. I want to change my life, and my course is part of this change. That’s why it makes me stressed, anxious and nervous.
I’ll try to implement your advice. I believe that it will help me in some way.
Thank you.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Sloppy_dreams.
August 9, 2017 at 5:05 pm #163170

Hannah
Participant

I can relate to this, I am constantly putting others before me; I focus on their happiness over my own. If others are not happy with who I am what I do, then neither am I. Which is very hard because so often people are disappointed; there is no way I can be perfect. But when I only try to please others and they aren’t pleased it makes me feel useless. And even though it can be so hard to realize this and to overcome this struggle you just have to accept that people have problems of their own; comparing is self-destructive. I can guarantee someone compares themselves to you- we all do. When we can’t accept ourselves we look to others. But the reality is I or You could never be what they are and they could never be you. And while you may dislike yourself, you have so many advantages that make you unique and special and you have a different purpose than anyone else. And I always thought my purpose was to make others happy, and it still can be! But not at my expense; eventually we have to learn to love ourselves and admire our qualities like we do others. I know this is very hard to actually apply to real life but I hope it works well for you, I will be trying myself. 🙂
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