My heart is shattered and I just died inside

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This topic has 25 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.

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October 23, 2015 at 11:45 am #85965

Anonymous
Inactive

So I was on here before but I made a new account. I don’t want to expose my name, but I came out a few months ago and met the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Today not too long ago she broke my heart. She left me, my heart is shattered in a million pieces and I am dead inside. I am numb, I have no feelings left besides hurt, anger and nothingness. I was working on myself for the better I just started seeing a counselor. My counselor helped me but then this happened. I don’t want to do anything anymore, I’m not motivated to do anything at work, I barely eat anymore, and I am so depressed I cant take anything anymore. I am away from all my family and all I can do is call them, email them, or text them. I need a shoulder to cry on and I cant have that. All I want to do is sleep all the time. If anyone would like to help me cheer up if that’s even possible, or give me some advice that would be really appreciated. I still love this girl, she left me because I wasn’t ready to talk about an issue we were having, and I needed space. I never thought she would stoop so low. I cant love her anymore, she doesn’t love me anymore. Ever since we have been fighting almost every day, she got distant and more and more hurtful. She never hugged me, kissed me or told me she loved me. She always used to. I always had to say I loved her first or she wouldn’t say it. I’d have to hug or kiss her first. Or she wouldn’t, When I said I love you she didn’t say it back unless I said it constantly. I’m dead inside… Please help.. I was going to talk to her after work, but she didn’t want that so she left, Didn’t deserve this at all. Oh how I want to talk to her, but all I feel is hate in my heart and pain, I cant do anything anymore. All I do is cry. I am a very emotional and sensitive person, she would get mad at me everytime I cried, that isn’t right either. This hurts way too much..

October 23, 2015 at 11:46 am #85966

Anonymous
Inactive

I still love her…

October 23, 2015 at 12:25 pm #85968
Nekoshema
Participant
I’m sorry you have to go through this. This is new, so it’s understandable you want to cry and scream and kick and cry some more. Let it out in a safe way [scream into a pillow, journal, sad music/movies, instead of say punching a wall or sending angry letters] give yourself time to grieve this. You said you have a counselor, you could talk to them, or perhaps a help line could work. Even if your only means of contacting a loved one is your phone, do it. In a few days or weeks you should begin to find something close to ‘normal’ and you can begin to function.

This next bit might sound harsh so you might want to continue reading once you’ve somewhat cleared your head. Do you really want her back? Sure you think so now, but you mentioned how she became distant and hurtful near the end. You should meditate, and think about everything. Right now she seems to be everything, but is she really? [I had a boyfriend who left me and I was hurt deeply by it for a long time but when I took a step back the man I cared for was mentally and emotionally abusive, and left me for my best friends fiance. In the moment I was so desperate for affection I ignored what a terrible relationship it was] this could be a wonderful opportunity for you to grow and become better acquainted with yourself. You could clear out the mental clutter and discover more about yourself in a positive light. One day you might get together again, maybe you’ll meet someone that’s a far better match, you don’t know. For now you need self love. Focus on you and the rest will fall into place one day.

Good luck to you.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Nekoshema.
October 23, 2015 at 1:42 pm #85971

Anonymous
Inactive

I’m sorry to hear about that too. Part of me does and part of me doesn’t. Because she would always bring up what she thought I was doing wrong. It felt like nothing I did was good enough and in ways she was controlling. I will think about it, but she gets so angry at me when I don’t want to talk right then and there, and when I explain my feelings she thinks I am blaming her when really I am expressing my feelings. So I will take time to think about it. May I ask how to meditate exactly? I have wanted to I just don’t know how to. Thanks for the advice I appreciate it greatly. But knowing her she is going to bother me until I talk to her. And each time it gets more hurtful, I forgot to mention she has depression too as well as PTSD so its difficult to help her, but I don’t feel as loved as she says she loves me. My counselor said to keep to myself and only talk to her if she is calm and not hurtful. To stand up for myself again even if she says hurtful things again. It’s going to be tough but I think if I am strong enough I can handle this. I do need to learn to love myself too, I don’t, but I am slowly starting to.

October 23, 2015 at 7:29 pm #85992

Nekoshema
Participant

You both need healing. Two people can make each other strong and work through difficulties, but sometimes one refuses to admit to their problems, or doesn’t understand how to live with the other person which causes tension. If you get back together her problems need to be addressed and worked on.

Meditation is rather easy, you basically relax. There’s plenty of methods but the key is to relax. Some days you’ll clear your mind, others you’ll have a song stuck on repeat, or go through hurt feelings, it’s all fine so long as you don’t hold onto these thoughts. [Example, you think ‘what’s for dinner?’ Don’t start listing options. Instead, focus on your breath.] Very simple one you can do right now, turn off any music/tv, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and slowly breath in, then slowly breath out. Do this for ten deep breaths. Done. Next time try to do 20 slow deep breaths, then slowly work your way up. Poke around on this site, there’s a number of articles on meditation you might find interesting since there are so many forms.

You don’t have to worry about clearing your mind of thoughts. Sometimes you can, sometimes you can’t, don’t get discouraged. Focus on your breaths, repeat a phrase in your mind [peace, calm, love] or you could use soothing music, a metronome, bell, or other rhythmic sound to focus on. Again, the key is to relax, not to turn off all thoughts. Let them flow by.

October 24, 2015 at 10:13 am #86005

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Unavailable:

It seems like you and your ex girlfriend are very emotional and sensitive and issues became too much for either one of you and both of you to handle in the context of the relationships. Emotions were intense, internal distress was overwhelming and the breakup happened. For the two of you to stay together, it seems to me, you would both have needed good professional psychotherapy, learn the skills to tolerate your individual distress, skills to communicate with each other effectively, etc. Try to not blame her for your distress but see it as a result of overwhelming feelings none of you had the skills to handle then.

For now, you are dealing with the loss of what you had and what you wished you had but didn’t. It is the loss not only of the reality part but of the dream part, the part you wished there was. I am guessing she did too, have the fantasy part. The eternal conflict-free love forever after…”and they lived happily ever after” – wishing the good feelings were permanent (they cannot be.

Write more if you would like.

anita

October 24, 2015 at 2:44 pm #86008

Anonymous
Inactive

Thanks for letting me know how meditating works, its not so complicated as I thought I will try that thanks. And we are together still. I was pretty convinced that she left me, but she said what she said because she was angry about something and didn’t want to yell at me, and I respect her for that. We talked last night and we are together still. Yes there are a lot of things that we both need to work on individually and we talk about those things and find solutions. Talking to a counselor is helping me so I feel I will be able to fix what I need to, and I told her what she needs to work on and she is willing to do the same. As for her internal suffering I told her she needs help and I think she understands that and where I am coming from when I say that. She can see that I care deeply for her, she is also seeing a counselor so she is getting the help she needs. I think after what happened and that we talked that things may take time to heal. But I know that we both will become stronger not just for ourselves but for the relationship. Thanks again for your advice. I am happy knowing I didn’t lose her. She does love me, never stopped. She was having suicidal thoughts so she was hurting so much that I didn’t understand at the time why she didn’t say she loved me. But I understand now, and I am there for her always, I comfort her, and help her the best I can.

October 24, 2015 at 7:47 pm #86009

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Unavailable:

My husband and I when we had trouble, mostly because I had lots of old hurt and anger, we went to COUPLE counseling first where the therapist taught us INTERPERSONAL SKILLS, that is how to communicate the best way. One such interpersonal skill set was EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect. Incorporate EAR when you communicate with her and she should do the same. This is the backbone of everything else. I am glad you two are together. Now this is an opportunity for more love, real love, if you two practice skills (there are books and online info on interpersonal skills).

There are certain rules for the two of you to follow no matter how hurt and distressed any one of you is, one of these is respect. You can make your own rules, for example you wrote that she needs to talk when you want a break and she gets impatient and wants to talk right away. Maybe you can make a rule about the same time every day, let’s say seven pm when you talk. Or if she wants to talk then you will talk within the twelve hours following it.

Wishing you both the best.
anita

October 25, 2015 at 3:23 pm #86037

Anonymous
Inactive

Anita,
I am sorry to hear that you and your husband were going through a hard time as well. I hope that the couple counseling helped you and that you are much happier than before. Thank you for your advice and support. In fact we both will be talking to a counselor Monday together and she is a very good counselor. The best I have seen ever so far. It may be once we see her together or more, not sure, but we both will definitely talk to a counselor as often as we can. Our job actually teaches interpersonal skills (Talks about it, but doesn’t teach), so I will look things up online about it, and get as many books as I can about it too. I do have a few self caring books, and books about communicating well, so that will help too. I just have to take the time to read them. After what happened, I definitely will be doing that everyday. I totally understand that, it makes sense to me, and I think that was the problem we were having. There wasn’t much respect in our relationship. And I agree with the boundaries things too, I don’t think we ever set boundaries for ourselves. We didn’t want the other to be hurt or upset that we spent so much time doing that without even realizing it. Thanks again Anita, for your advice, and support.
Please write me back when you can.

October 25, 2015 at 6:33 pm #86052

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Unavailable:

you are welcome. My husband and I are doing very well. We would probably, most likely have been separated and divorced if it wasn’t for the counseling we went to together. This is why I so recommended that you and your girlfriend attend counseling together. What our therapist did first, as the most important thing to do for a relationship to survive, first thing is to teach (psycho-education) the basics of how to get along well. This is FIRST. Only after we both learned and practiced those rules, those basic interpersonal skills, I saw that same therapist by myself. We BOTH had to learn first and at 51…

No need to read many books on interpersonal skills. Basically it is about communicating with each other Empathetically, Assertively and Respectfully (EAR). These three and consistently. It is about listening, not just waiting for one’s turn to talk. It is ASKING each other questions instead of assuming and jumping to conclusions, like: what did you mean when you said this or that? Did you mean (this)…? Asking questions in a non threatening way so to get information. I hope you read from one good source, maybe online is good enough..and PRACTICE. Oh, and always keep in mind Win-Win attitude. Both you and your girlfriend have to be winners in the relationship.

I read how desperate you were when you thought you and your gf separated. Now that you are together again, I would like you and her to love each other well, to benefit each other. I would like the relationship to be a Win-Win for the two of you. Before individual therapy- learn through couple counseling or otherwise the basic interpersonal skills, sort of rules of how to interact with each other so it works!

anita

October 25, 2015 at 8:30 pm #86058

TriangleSun
Participant

It seems like you guys have only been together for a few months and you’re getting into counseling together? I’m not sure what to think. You either really truly love each other or really young. Regardless I’m glad you’re back together and I wish you luck!

October 26, 2015 at 9:31 am #86116

Anonymous
Inactive

Anita, I am glad to hear you and your husband are doing well. Thanks for advising that we will be doing that today, and hopefully she is willing do go to counseling with me more than just today. I’m sure she will though. That I agree with, we had that issue of assuming something after something was said, and it led to a fight. It wasn’t fun. And I will do that. Thanks again Anita for your advice, I will follow it for sure.

TriangleSun,
We have actually been together for 7 months. We do really love each other, like any couple there are fights, but we are still together and working on communicating better and all that good stuff. Thanks!

October 26, 2015 at 12:48 pm #86122

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Unavailable:

You can use this thread that you started to update us readers and continue to get my feedback, for one. As in a supportive resource. Looking forward to your next post, if you choose to do so.
anita

October 26, 2015 at 1:42 pm #86128

Anonymous
Inactive

Anita, thanks I will do that when I can.

October 29, 2015 at 7:41 am #86364

Anonymous
Inactive

Anita,
the counseling we had together didn’t go so well. so I am just going to see the counselor on my own. And she will get the help she needs when she chooses to do so. The counseling is helping me a little and I am going again today so I am going to talk about issues I am having personally ex. not communicating because I am still having that problem. She still gets mad at me for it, and so I need to work on that. There is still a lot I need to work on, but I am willing to for my own sake and happiness.
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