Donna,
Yes, I seem to cycle between knowing how to stay on my path, and frustrated about not being able to affect the world around me.

Each time this happens, I have gone back to reading (and a wonderful muse suggests the perfect thing) and then I feel stronger. The falls in between are deep. I will be sleepless for days, unable to sit still, or seemingly to turn “off” my brain \ thoughts. Fixing, thinking, assuming. It’s like a monster in my head at times. I write. I read. I wait for it to pass.
I use my energy to avoid making huge life changes. There is something “there” i need to learn, and eventually I discover what. Then my thoughts settle down. I’ve always had this tendency, a work problem, a relationship issue. But never this intense.

I am now starting to do guided meditations, it is a beginning. Hopefully this will help me to stay more focused on what I’m doing. Practice helps?

I have a thought to write out all my dreams, wishes, notions.
And try to subjectively ask if they are judgements, beliefs, or an attempt to control another.
I’m a bit afraid to do it, as I think I will find that it all is.

So maybe just one this week. To start.

Yesterday, I had some interesting theories \ thoughts. Almost like a detachment, but it started as kinda “naming” my monster. It’s a troll. And trolls live under bridges. Which lead me to envision marriage as an object. Not me personally. Not my husband personally.

Think of marriage like an object. Bound by legal terms. Not easily dissolved. It is something that is shared between the two of you, but is not you, or him. You each bring your own personal selves to the marriage, like meeting on a bridge that connects you together.

There are actions we each take to nurture the object (marriage). Like a bridge.. it needs maintenance, tending. Sometimes it just needs to be observed, enjoyed. It can be left unattended for periods of time, but long term neglect will result in decay, destruction, and it will fall apart.

Sometimes we cross the bridge, to the other side. And forget that our own side of the bridge is not being looked after. That is why it seems so one-sided, and one feels like they are doing all of the work, in the marriage.

They are trying to fix the other person’s side of the bridge, and make it look just like their side does. And using all their energy. Meanwhile, their own side of the bridge is laying neglected.

Both sides bring valuable structure to the bridge. Together, it makes up a whole. But if my side is laying neglected, what am I bringing to the whole?

In fact, if I don’t take care of my side, the bridge will fall apart, after awhile. Which side of the bridge am I on?

Then I got to thinking yup, I crossed the bridge to his side. And the troll got out. Ego. Sometimes my mind puts these things into subjective perspectives 🙂

Now, when I stand back on my side, and look at his side of the bridge, well I don’t know WHY I wanted to change it! It has it’s own charm, and beauty. If I leave it alone, he will design it to reflect him. Which is what I want. The real authentic him that is inside. The more I interfere, the less it will be him.

I’ve been writing a LOT these past few days. “) And sleeping very wonderfully.

An update of sorts.
I find myself, lately, simply “not reacting” to things.
Instead of anger, or wanting to control, I must admit I feel rather numb and not connected to the relationship.
To be honest, it is a feeling of “drama” that is not worthy of my attention.

It’s not even worth having emotions about the things he wants to argue about. It takes patience to listen to it, and it wears me out. That’s all.
By this I mean…. he may assume incorrectly, make statements implying how I feel on my behalf, “borrow” others values (treat others as badly as they treat you instead of having your own values to follow) and lets his emotions lead him to decisions based on these assumptions.

I find myself “not” feeling. I listen. I ask myself if it’s true, not true, or questionable. I ask myself what my values and my heart tell me to do. I follow that.
I am not interested in much beyond that. Empathy, at times. But no anger, or desire to “correct it”. Not concerned about making my side of the story known. IT doesn’t matter, anymore. It just all seems to drama based on ego.

I’m not certain if this is healthy? Normal?

Thank you, Matt.

Overall, I feel.. peaceful. Happy. I sing to music. I laugh more. Work stress is easily managed. Solutions are easier. Great ideas are common.

My husband likes to listen to the Garbage Truck, his version of trying to blow off emotions of others. He has tried some meditations. Overall, he is feeling more anxious, not sleeping, forgetting things, and his general “ability” to have serious conversations is greatly compromised.

Breeze through the nonsense if you can…
An example would be… I told him a few times (3, I think) that I needed to take my son to the dr. last Saturday, and run a few errands. I had told him a few times as he kept asking me “what are the plans for Sat”. He kept telling me on Friday that he might \ maybe have plans with a friend on Sat, going out of town. When I asked him when he planned on getting home, he got upset. He “assumed” that I was making a fuss because he was going out and I was “implying” that he was going to be drinking.
Silly ridiculous fight about it. He refused to talk to me for a few hours after that. Sigh. I tried to tell him that I asked because I needed to know if I should change my plans to look after the dogs if he was going to be gone all day. Nope. Another fight. Don’t worry about the dogs. He will look after them.

Sat. morning, I left for my appts. He was not home when I got back, and stayed out until late. When I asked him about when he finally got home, he said since I took off and didn’t tell HIM where I was going, then it was fair game for him to treat me the same way. Sigh.

With patience, I did remind him that he did know where I was. He just forgot. He is NOT one to apologize. Ever.

But what bothered me more was the way he reacted.
He got very emotional and reactive over things that he chose to do, and misinformation.

Being me, I did tell him that his actions \ words could have been handled in another way. I was very gentle about reminding him of the Garbage Truck, and how he could have chosen to not assume, and having some of his own values (rules) about how to behave works better in the long term.

So it would be fair to say “it doesn’t matter”. I can SEE how he would think I am emotionless and just don’t care. But to argue about his opinion, or his statements about how I feel (the you never, you always, you feel, you think statements) are like garbage that needs to stay on the truck. If they are not true, I don’t feel emotions about the statements. If they ARE true, then I could look at my behavior and make sure it’s aligned to my values.

Today, as I am writing this, the thought comes to me that I am no longer basing my actions on what I think he wants to hear, or what would make him happy. I am basing my actions on what my values are. That is my only guide.

And “something” is telling me, loudly, that ‘caring’ about this stuff is a waste of time.

Yes, I do care about him. As a person. I don’t see him as potential relationship partner, when I don’t see that he is aware of his true identity. (it seems impossible!)

I am struggling with showing compassion, to the person. To the man. I think I may be “blocking” that as I’m not wanting to show marital love. Does that make any sense??
I don’t know how to be “caring” without being a wife.

It’s up to me what to do next.
That is the big question, isn’t it?

Am I trying to be free of the man? I am trying to be free, myself. Which is happening. A little bit at a time.
There are times when I try to think about this, and I find myself thinking that this is a ridiculous one way street, and probably more harmful to me than learning anything.

The pillars of a relationship are not there, as he is not capable (now) of those things. At times, I consider that these are pretty basic relationship and life skills. “it’s not my problem” is taking me only so far. I am married, living with a stranger who doesn’t know himself.

Yes, you are right when you say someone has to break the gap. And he is looking for ME to do it. He has even said so.
I’m not sure I want to. And I certainly don’t have any ideas on how to do that. (probably because I don’t want to, right?)

Looking for the seed of opportunity in the problem. And wondering if I am tending to the wrong garden? Whatever comes of tomorrow, I’m not anxious about it. We stay together, we divorce, whatever. I don’t know why, but I feel forced to make a decision to stay or go. I either have to open up my heart again (so I don’t get bitter about life in general) or leave. Like my sense of self awareness will be compromised by staying, and I have to decide which is more important. – Moving myself to a situation where I am more influenced by like minded people, or risk losing ground I have gained by staying to help him break the gap.

Do I sound crazy yet???
Di

After thinking about this for a few days, I found myself reading Deepak Chopra’s book about love. Still not finished it. Having a hard time being interested in getting through it! Of course, the whole message of “being right where I am supposed to be” keeps coming up. But I did have the thought today that maybe I AM learning what I needed to learn, and it will be okay to let this go.

I am concerned about my husband. He says his stress levels are peaked, he needs to do “something” or he will break. He thinks he might go seek some rx from his dr.
I did offer.. what can I do to help? Would it be helpful if I left for awhile? Would it help if we put aside the whole relationship thing? He says that would make things worse.

It did come to light that yes he is stressed, about me and a lot of other things. His life coping is to pretend all is well, and he wants all to be nice and pleasant. The stress? The world (and me) simply isn’t cooperating. Things go wrong with vehicles, traffic, he has a bad sleep, people are rude. I don’t think I help matters. I speak my mind.
When I need to. Not with malice.

A key point we discovered the other day. I spoke up about something he did that I felt hurt about.
I noticed, as I was talking, that he wasn’t listening to me. He was planning what he was going to say next. Really, he was just waiting for me to finish talking so he could talk.
And I was right. As soon as I finished talking, he started to say what he wanted to say. Had nothing to do with what I said.

I re-directed it. I pointed it out. I asked for a response to what I had said. (I had to repeat it) He shrugged. “That’s the way I am”.

I told him that everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. I was looking for him to listen… and say… Sorry about that. I did not mean to hurt you. Then I would have considered the matter closed.

I felt kinda motherly about even asking him for an apology. Yes, that may be the “way he is”. If I blindly accept that, then I really don’t want much to do with him. I wish him well, and hope the best for him. I do get to choose where I invest my emotions.

For some reason, I think this may have tweaked something in him. He is looking for a counsellor this week.

IMO, Maile, the refusal to give you another chance could be him saying he isn’t willing to get that real. He’d rather live by ego as he thinks it is the easy road. Most people are afraid to dig deep inside and do the work. It’s always easier to walk away and find someone else who will just accept your flaws and not ask you to be mature.

IN other words… if you take the blame for the relationship, and then you work on yourself, it’s no longer a good excuse. That’s where I am at, anyways.

I was a “shrew”. Codependent. I’m working on it. By default, he still tries to follow old habits. It no longer works.
I don’t know if he will do the work to be the real person I want to get to know. Or what that will look like. The hardest thing is to accept not knowing.
But it’s been the most comforting thing I’ve learned. In all aspects of my life. It’s very peaceful. Just be me. The best me I can be. The rest of life just seems to fall into place.
Peace.