Hi Athena,

If it makes you feel better, my husband’s cousin had wanted to write a parenting book and wanted to use MY children as examples/foils. Well, the book never got written, and twenty years later our kids are now a doctor, a captain, and a chess master. You can imagine the evil eye I get during family reunions. My rotten kids won! LOL!

It’s easy to second guess ourselves as parents. For me, looking back, I would ask my younger self, “What was up with all the fruit juice??” knowing NOW that constant fructose is bad for the teeth.

I had three kids relatively close together. The good news in that is they will have more of a bond with each other.

Say “NO” to your mom living with you permanently. A week here or a weekend there is fine. But once you give her “grandma’s room” let the dysfunction begin!

Other parents/people. NEVER apologize for you kids. They are “independent” and “spirited”. Let the gossiping hens talk. Their lives must be really small that they even think about other people’s children. When they ask about your kids simply say “They are great!” Brag about them a little. Practice the art of false modesty. Only admit they are occasional monsters to a trusted few close friends.

Lastly, it is time to un-spoil your kids. Say “NO” to them. A lot. Also have high expectations for them. They will revolt. They will cry. They will finally give in. Only when they respect you can the true bonding begin.

Best,

Inky

Hello Athena,

The fact that you understand where you are now, and understand what you want to see change is a great thing!  I agree with all that Inky has said.

I grew up with dysfunction, and have tried very hard to change the things within myself that keep the cycle of dysfunction alive and well.  As a parent I have regrets, but try to change what I can, where I am, with what I know now.  Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better.”   I try to be open with my kids as far as my doubts – I don’t always know the answer or the next step, and yes, I make mistakes.  This helps them to see me as human.  I hope it will also help them see that they are human too…that mistakes will happen, and doubts will arise, and they will find their way through it.

With friends and relatives who judge, gossip, scrutinize…to the best of my ability, I ignore, ignore, ignore.  They have no idea what goes on in my world with my kids.  Likewise, I try not to judge or gossip about other parents unless it impacts my life and kids, or would serve the greater good.  I also agree with Inky…learn to brag about your kids, practice false modesty…and if your kids “overhear” you talking like this, it’s a bonus!

With regard to your mom….you need to take care of YOU and your kids.  If having her live with you only adds another layer of stress and difficulty, say NO.  Your first obligation is to you and your kids.  And when others judge you for this (and they will), ignore, ignore, ignore.

I remember difficult days with my kids.  One day especially, years ago, when it was summer vacation and I did NOT want to get the day going.  I anticipated struggles, yelling, and constant tension.  That day I made a conscious effort to do everything with my kids from a place of love*.  Not a place of anger, or “shoulds”, or even “I need to teach them this so they will learn…”  This has made a big difference.  I paid attention to the tone I used when talking to them too.  This made a difference.  It wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies, but I tried to imagine how I would want someone to talk to me and treat me, and tried to treat my kids accordingly.

*In overcoming my own struggles, I realized my parents – who loved me and did their best – did a lot of things from a place of “do as I say, not as I do.”  And the more resistance from us, the more yelling there was.  The more yelling there was, the more resistance and opposition there was.  A vicious cycle.

Being self aware is a big first step.  Things will get better.

Airene

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Airene.