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My LDR Boyfriend is Pulling Away

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  • #359909
    Sunflower
    Participant

    Dear all,

    I’m writing this because I have been facing a situation where I can not stand being in silence. Let me share my story and of course I’m hoping to use some advice so that I know what to do next.

    I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who was a heroin addict for half of his life (and is still using some drugs til now when having a chance) and he’s in a depression or mood swings. We met in Instagram and we started it off as friends.

    Back then, I used to add him first and texted him that I would like to be a friend. And he responded well. We talked about ourselves, universe, dreams, or just general topics. We did this for almost a year. I did not see him as a special friend before, but he did seem like someone who never flirted with me (unlike any guys who tried to approach me and flirt with me whenever we are chatting). Until one day, I felt like he had a feeling for me judging by his messages which indicated that he kinda missed me if I didn’t send him messages for almost a week. In December, he told me something that my gut already knew. He had a feeling for me. He wrote me so many paragraphs telling me that he didn’t know what he felt because it’s all new to him. He told me he can’t think about anything if I’m not in it. Yes, he fell for me. Actually, we used to talk about our past life and relationship and I knew that he was a drug abuse. However, I never saw it as something terrifying. He also said that he is not a good man to be around with because he’s not okay. He needed help. At first I thought it’s about him still having issued letting go of substances. Later I found out that he’s kinda having a mental issues: depression and mood swings.

    Fast forward now, we’re officially in a relationship. For three weeks it was all sweet and honey..we could talk for hours and sent pics and videos. Until one day, I didn’t hear from him for two days. Turned out he was taken to a rehab because he passed out from taking ketamines. His brother who was also following me in Instagram told me about this. I was so shattered and sad. I cried every day waiting for him to return home and so that I could text him again.

    And then he finally returned after 19 days of rehab. He texted me that he’s back and told me that in the rehab or camp, people treated him so bad like a dog. They beat him and punched his face without hesitation. I was soooo sad hearing this. I told him to tell his family about this but he didn’t want to, he said that it’s pointless.

    His behavior had changed a lot after the camp. He became so rude and mean to me, something that he never did before. He also liked to say that he wanted to make me sad and cry. I don’t know why he said that. But he told me that his feeling for me was a problem. He didn’t want to be with me in the first place because he was not okay and he would push me away.

    It’s now almost four months after the rehab. Our talks became less and less. He has been ghosting me for two weeks. Previously, he told me that he’s tired of talking, texting, and this relationship, but he didn’t say it’s over.

    During our talks, sometimes he said weird things like he’s not a normal person. He also lied to me several times. For example, he told me he would go out buying pesticides for his gardening activities. In fact, he met with his old friends and he smoked weeds and drugs with them. Even one of his friends would hire a hooker. Although he told me that he did not see the girl or would do similar thing. I was so devastated hearing this thing from him. I’m afraid he would take heroin again and do something stupid like he did in the past.

    I really don’t know what to do now. The last thing he said to me when we wanted to be left alone was: “If I don’t text you that day, that means I don’t want to.” Or something like “I’m not a guy whom you want to spend your life with. I’m not good for you. ” Etc. It’s been two weeks that I haven’t received any texts from him but he’s always online in Instagram and he sees my story too. But he doesn’t want to say hi….

     

    Do you have any advice for me about this situation? Honestly, I don’t want to text him first because I want him to do that first. What should I do now? Please.. I’m really confused.

     

    #359925
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sunflower:

    When he came back from the rehab/ camp, he told you that “people treated him so bad.. beat him and punched his face without hesitation”. When he told you that, you “told him to tell his family about this but he didnt want to, he said that it’s pointless”-

    – it is possible that his family treated him like the people in the camp, that they too “beat him and punched his face without hesitation”, and therefore he would be correct, that it would be pointless to ask for their help.

    Reads to me from what you shared that he is a mentally troubled man and that his troubles started when he was a child, because he was mistreated. He takes drug to self medicate, to feel better and because he is in the habit  of turning to drugs. He needs professional help (not the abuse he received in the camp) so  to heal from his early life emotional injuries and from his drug addictions. You are not a doctor or a nurse or a therapist of any kind, so I don’t think that you can help him.

    Can you just  let him go, tell him when you get a chance that you wish him the best, that you wish him healing, and that you hope he gets the professional help that he needs, and then.. let him live his life away from you?

    anita

    #359931
    Sunflower
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Thanks a lot for your kind response.

    Actually, from what I know his family has always been treating him very good and he’s a spoiled kid. His habit of taking drugs started when he was in senior high school and he had bad friends who offered him heroin and all those kinds of drugs. His brother also told me that my boyfriend has always been a rude guy, even he treats his family worse than me. For example, he would not talk to his family for weeks just short talks etc. His brother also told me that if he didn’t save my bf back then, he would have died or been in prison.

     

    You’re right. He’s mentally troubled. I knew this from his sudden changed behavior from sweet to rude. He also once told me that “I would beat you one day if we’re ever together just to see you cry because I love you.” I don’t know why his concept of love is different from any normal people. Please mind that he also told me he used to treat his ex girlfriends so bad, all of them were also drug users and they used to do anything to get drugs.

    Anita, I don’t know how to answer your question if I can let him go. A part of me wants to be with him and always support him, but he’s so far away and now hasn’t said a word to me even though he’s always online. He’s like doesn’t care about my existence anymore.

     
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>A part of me also feels hurt that I always cry everyday. I can’t believe someone who was really really sweet back then (he used to write me long sweet paragraphs about how happy he was with me and that he found me amid his mess) now becomes a totally different person. 😭 I feel both hurt and pity.</p>
     

    #359935
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sunflower:

    This man has been your Long Distance Relationship boyfriend. In Dec last year, he expressed to you that he fell in love with you. For 3 weeks, “it was all sweet and honey”.

    Next, not in your presence (it being a LDR), he passed out from taking ketamine (a medication used for starting and maintaining anesthesia. It induces a trance- like state while providing pain relief, sedation, and memory loss), and was taken to a rehab camp. He told you that he was beaten there, punched in the face. Following his camp experience, he “became so rude and mean” to you, “something that he never did before”.

    He told you at times that “he is not a good man to be around”, that “he’s not okay. He needed help”, that “he’s not a normal person”, that he wanted to make you “sad and cry”, that he “would beat you one day if we’re ever together just to see you cry because (he) loves you”, that he is “not a guy whom you want to spend your life with”, that he is “not good for you”, that “he’s tired of talking, texting, and this relationship”.

    You wrote that he was “a heroin addict for half of his life”, beginning in senior high school, this means that he is in his mid thirties now. In high school, “he had bad friends who  offered him heroin and all those kinds of drugs”.

    “His brother also  told me that my boyfriend has always been a rude guy, even he treats his family worse than me”- this tells me that he has been angry for a long, long time (“always”), ever since his brother remembers him, meaning ever since your boyfriend, or former boyfriend, was a child.

    “his sudden changed behavior from sweet to rude” suggests to me that he suddenly gets angry, and anger takes over his sweetness.

    You wrote: “I can’t believe someone who was really really sweet back then.. now becomes a totally different person”-

    Did you ever meet him in person or was the relationship with him long distance the whole time?

    anita

     

     

    #360017
    Sunflower
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, he’s thirty now. He’s already a mature guy but his behavior depicts that he’s like a teen. He told me that he takes psychedelic and weeds too besides drugs. When he took them, he texted me and showed me the pictures. I didn’t really mind because I too can’t do anything about it. Sometimes he hides the drugs from his family and brother. I have to tell his brother about the activity and he would feel so sad about it. The thing is his brother told me his family can’t do anything more either. They have tried to take him to methadone clinic as well before. But my boyfriend remains an addict.

    We haven’t met in person before. We only talk in Instagram. I know it’s very strange to have a relationship over a text only but my feeling was real . He too told me that his feeling for me was real and he didn’t have that before so that’s why he said he didn’t know what to do when there’s someone loving him back.

     

    #360029
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sunflower:

    I can tell that your feelings for him are real, and seems to me that he fell in love with you too, but then his mental health got worse following his rehab/ camp experience, and like he told you- he is not okay.

    Before the current multiple Covid-19 epidemics all over the world, turned pandemic, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in the US declared heroin addiction an epidemic in the US in 2015. In the website cdc. gov/ vigalsigns/ heroin. index. html says that heroin use more than doubled among young adults ages 18-25 in the past decade (2005-2015), that more than 9 in 10 who use heroin also used at least one other drug, that most heroin users also used at least 3 other drugs, and that 45% of people who used heroin were also addicted to prescription opioid painkillers. More than 8,200 people died of heroin- related overdose in 2013.

    As you can see, your boyfriend is not an exception: most heroin addicts use at least 3 other drugs.

    You can look up the website I italicized above, and you can read more about heroin addiction in Wikipedia and elsewhere. Get familiar with the topic. I don’t know in what country you/ he lives in, but you can google a government website similar to the US cdc and read about the heroin addiction situation where he lives.

    If you want to, let me know what you learn about heroin addiction in general and where he lives.

    anita

     

    #360047
    Sunflower
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your concern about drug abuse matter. I will definitely look up that information you provided.

    Meanwhile, do you have any advice on what t do now? He’s not talked to me for two weeks although he’s online every day and drops some comments in some pages. I want to write him and ask what happened but I’m afraid he will push me away further.

    Should I just wait for him to text me first? P.s: he once accidentally liked my video I sent him weeks ago that means he probably scrolled through our old messages. Also he often check out my Instagram story. That means he still wants to check me up.

     

     

    #360052
    Sunflower
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    He’s just texted me now. He said sorry for being a jerk. And when I asked him why he didn’t text for two weeks, he said he was feeling down. He needed to be alone. And when I asked if he talked to other people, he said none. He didn’t even want to talk with his family.

    Maybe he’s really in depression and I have to be very patient.

    #360070
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sunflower:

    “He’s not talked to me for two weeks although he’s online every day and drops some comments in some pages”- but he didnt communicate with you online for two weeks. Six hours ago, he told you that he “needed to be alone”, and that he didnt talk to other people.

    Do you think that it is possible that he was online every day but did not communicate with anyone online (other than dropping the comments you mentioned)?

    anita

     

    #360153
    Sunflower
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I already asked him if he has anyone to talk the past two weeks when he didn’t talk to me and the answer was he didn’t have anyone else. Actually he is an introvert guy and he always said that he hates himself and when he does, he likes to pull away from his family and now from me too. I too was concerned if maybe he has another girlfriend but he always said that he doesn’t have anyone except me.

    I don’t know whether to believe him or not. He sometimes tells lies to me too. For example, he said he would go out and doesn’t have any data so he can’t talk to me and ask me not to wait for him and just slept. In fact, when I asked his bro, he only went out for a while and didn’t take one hour to come back.

    When I confronted him about this, he told me that he’s not that kind of guy who can keep up with long talks. That’s why he had to lie to me so that I would stop talking to him without him saying “can we stop talking now?”.

     

    What do you think about this behavior?

    #360169
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sunflower:

    His behavior of telling you that he is going out so to end the online communication, instead of telling you that he wants to end the communication- that’s a very common behavior, people not expressing what they want directly, so they go about getting what they want indirectly. The example you gave does not indicate evil behavior, but that he feels uncomfortable about being direct.

    What are your hopes regarding this man: do you want to meet him in person for the first time? Live with him, get married.. anything like that?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by anita.
    #360184
    Sunflower
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your kind response.

    I too think that he’s not cheating on me, instead just can’t be direct sometimes. In addition, when he is taking drugs or weeds he always lets me know and send some pictures. So I think he’s still trying to be open to me. Although sometimes he tell lies to me to avoid fighting.

    When he is in a good mood, he’s a nice and sweet guy. We talk about meeting up, and he even told his family and relatives about me (well his bro already knows me), we also talk about having kids and etc although just in casual talk. But we do talk about future.

    The problem is he lives in Iran where the economy is getting worse day by day. He also doesn’t have full time jobs because he works for his brother as interior designer. So they work only when people need something to fix in their buildings.

    What makes me sad is the fact that he often feels down and depressed. When he does this, he would talk rude to me and even shut me down. We talked a lot about this and he promised to get better but every time he’s in low condition, he just texts me “I’m not a good guy for you and I will never be better.”

    #360187
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sunflower:

    You shared that your boyfriend lives in Iran, and you shared before that he is addicted to heroin and uses other drugs in addition to heroin.

    According to nrconon. org/ drug information/ iran heroin druf addiction. hotml, “There are some analysts who describe Iran’s heroin addiction problem as the ‘worst in the world.’ Estimates of the number of addicts vary widely- from one million to more than three million habitual drug users. A 2006 report estimated that 8% of the adult population was addicted to drugs. In 2009, it was said that each year, 130,000 new people become addicted in this country of 70 million people… High unemployment figures cause desperation and that desperation can drive drug use… Out of the 170,000 people in jail in Iran, 68,000 are there for drug trafficking and 32,000 are there because they are addicts.”

    independent. co. uk/ news/ world/ middle east/ iran Tehran drug addiction opium heroin(2017), reads: “Iran’s Drug Control organization has said that there are now 2.8 million people in the strictly conservative country ‘regularly consuming drugs,’ … A total of 90% of the world’s opium is produced in neighboring Afghanistan from poppy resin which is refined to make heroin. Despite the authorities best efforts to clamp down on trafficking over the 600 mile long border, Iran often serves as a transit point for export to the rest of the world.. The global narcotics market is ‘thriving’, the UN’s crime and drugs agency said last week, with opiates causing tens of thousands of avoidable deaths a year.”

    bbc. com/ news/ world middle east (2017): “The number of people suffering from drug addiction in Iran has more than doubled in the last six years… About 2.8 million people are regularly consuming drugs in the country. Opium, the main ingredient of heroin, is the country’s most popular narcotic, making up 67% of the consumption… marijuana and its derivatives accounted for 12% of drug consumption in Iran, with methamphetamine, a stimulant that affects the central nervous system, accounting for about 8%.”

    I mentioned to you earlier heroin was declared an epidemic in the U.S. As you can read, it is a worse epidemic in Iran.

    You wrote: “every time he’s in low condition, he just texts me ‘I’m not a good guy for you and I will never be better”-

    – consider that it may be true: that he is not a good guy for you and that he will not get better. He is in a very difficult situation, being one of  1-3 millions of Iranians regularly using and being addicted mostly to heroin and to a lesser extent to other powerful drugs.

    Do you see hope for the two of you meeting (in what country?) and making a life for yourselves as a couple???

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by anita.
    #361083
    Sunflower
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Sorry I have been off. I want to give you some updates regarding my boyfriend. We have been talking nice and sweet for the past week. He said sorry for being a jerk when he left me and made me feel bad. He told me he really didn’t know what he was doing and did not realize that he made me mad and hurt my feeling.

    He came back being a very loving man. We talked almost the whole day everyday and I was trying to ask would he get bored talking the whole day as he once pushed me away saying he can’t keep up long talks. But he responded that this is the best moments of his life, being with me every day through chatting. We were like inseparable. However, last night we were picking fights over stupid and small thing where he went off for a while for talking with his bro as they were drinking again (that’s the second drink he took after passing out for one hour after the first round).

    When he wanted to say goodnight, I didn’t know what I became and I started saying that why he would go off while I’m still here talking? He at first nicely said that he wanted to end the conversation because he wanted to talk with bro. But then things got heated and arguments became so rude. He started to become someone rude again. Idk why he’s always like tht. And despite the fact that we have been talking very loving saying I love yous and sent pictures, he started to say that he hates me. And i was so furious that I also got mad. I told him that he never loves me in the first place, and he responded that he doesn’t, he hates me.

    This really made me sad and now I’m still in tears rereading our chats. How come someone can be totally turning into someone else 180 degrees? I know that I also played a part in this fight but I surely felts offended by what he said. He also asked me to shut up and saying good bye.

     

    I really don’t know what to do when his behaviors suddenly changed like tht. We were fine before and even talked about his works and our future.

    The last paragraph I sent to him was that he literally hurt my feeling and that I didn’t want to talk to him again. He saw the messages but didn’t respond til now.

     

    #361097
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sunflower:

    “How come someone can be totally turning into someone else 180 degrees? .. We were fine before and even talked about his works and our future. The last paragraph I sent to him was that he literally hurt my feelings”-

    – he was fine with you for as long as you didn’t argue with him and “picking fights”. When you started arguing and complaining and picking fights with him, his feelings changed from loving to hating, from affection to anger.

    No one responds affectionately to someone arguing, complaining and picking fights. This man is addicted to heroin. He ingests heroin and other powerful drugs on a regular basis. These drugs probably make him even less able to endure arguments.

    In any relationship, arguing and complaining is not a good idea, it makes people angry. You can express yourself honestly and assertively without arguing. Arguing is aggressive; stating your thoughts and feelings in a calm tone of voice, without accusing the person for how you feel, is being assertive.

    In this particular long distance relationship, you are dealing with a man who is a heavy drug addict. You seem to be underestimating the severity of this fact. It is not possible to have an ongoing healthy, loving relationship with a heavy drug addict. You are trying to do the impossible: having a (good) relationship and future with a man addicted to heroin and who regularly uses other powerful drugs as well.

    anita

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