February 2, 2019 at 8:29 am #278163
I just want to express my situation and needed advice please if you can help me.
Before I year I quit from my job due to depression, I stayed at home for a year trying to get well. In the meantime I started to work as a part time job few hours a day and this helped me better for my situation. I went to psychologist trying to help me. I started doing activities that I like after work, like swimming, drawing, sewing and start spending time with my family as well. I forgot to mentioned that in.that period that I quit from my job I had broke up with my relationship too hence I was so confused about myself and my feelings towards him.
After few months while I started realising what was good to do. I first went and told him an apologise for my behaviour and I asked him if he wanted to start over again from the beginning our relationship and he spoken to me so badly and he putted his job and money above us. I know or understand that was his egoism that talked to me. And I left. I tried to move on with my life, reading for exams, going out for a bit hence I had panic attacks, I was afraid to go out, I had guilty feelings for the pain I caused him and shame about my self. And after few months, approximately after 4 months, he reach me and told me that he is thinking about me, he love me, and I told him to meet in order to speak and found a solution and he said, okay in few days…and then he never contact or speak to me again. And from that time I stuck, I cannot dream anything, I loose my goals and all the positive work I did for me. I found a new job right now and I cannot have fun with that. I loose my smile and I full of fears and guts. I am refused to going and meet a guy I just feel that I am not deserve love, I am not feel that I can make it. And suddenly I want to quit my job hence is mnot filling me up.
Can you please advice?February 2, 2019 at 8:54 am #278219
My advice: block your ex boyfriend from your phone/ social media so that if he tries, he will not be able to reach you. Make a choice that he is not an option for you no matter what, that the relationship with him is over and done with.
Do again what benefited you in the past: the activities you did, the psychological counseling, all that worked for you in the past.
Are you living with your parents, and if so, what is your relationship with them?
anitaFebruary 4, 2019 at 12:26 am #278531
<li style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Anita, thank u for your response. I am trying now to fill my free time with hobbies that I did in the past in order to feel good again. I just started to have some panic attacks, while I started going to my new job. Yes I currently staying with my parents since I am not ready to move and stay alone, I am afraid of being in a flat alone. I am not afraid to spend time with my self but I am afraid to go and stay to a non knowing place now. I just started a new job and I feel like I dont know what I am doing now…like a mess.
EeroFebruary 4, 2019 at 12:32 am #278533
In addition, the relationship with my parents now is good, before wasn’t caused of my toxic narcissist mum. But I put my limits and I told her that is my life and not her. I tried to move on earlier on a new flat to stay alone but I couldn’t achieve that hence the most of my life I spend it within my family. I just have a place outside the house with a bathroom and I stayed there. We share the kitchen. I think for now its good for me.February 4, 2019 at 7:12 am #278559
I will summarize what you shared here:
About a year ago you quit your job and moved back home, a relationship you had with a man also ended at the time and you were confused and depressed. For the last year you lived at home with your parents, including your “toxic narcissist” mother, in a room and bathroom attached to the family home, kitchen shared. During this year you started a part time job, saw a psychologist, did “swimming, drawing, sewing”. You also contacted your ex boyfriend, apologized for your behavior and suggested to resume the relationship. He strongly rejected your offer and you had panic attacks, guilty feelings for the pain you believed you caused him and you felt ashamed.
Four months after his rejection he contacted you, told you that he loved you, you suggested meeting so to talk and he never contacted you again. Recently you started a new job but you suffer from anxiety/panic attacks and depression, you don’t want to move away from your family’s home and you want to quit your job.
My suggestions: stay living where you are, start seeing a psychologist again, the same one from before or a new one, one that is capable and will be able to help you. Continue your job, one day at a time. Focus on these two goals: psychotherapy and your job.
And please do post anytime. I would like to learn more about you and your life.
anitaFebruary 5, 2019 at 5:39 am #278699
Thank u Anita for your reply. I will do what u suggested. I am full of fears, I fear to meet a new guy, to have family, kids etc. I fear as well death. I dont know what is happening to me right now. The people around me, they see me like “wow you found a job” “now its remain to find a guy” and its make me feel weird hence I am not feel confident and I cannot even imagine a guy with me, I afraid to trust anymore. And once a guy start to talk me I directly see him as friend, not someone who can be my bf or even husband. I dont know what is happening to me, really.February 5, 2019 at 7:01 am #278719
You are welcome. Try to not worry what people around you say about what you should do. It is your life, they have the right to live their own lives, not to tell you how you should live yours.
“I don’t know what is happening to me, really”- I figure what is happening to you is that you are anxious, that is afraid on an ongoing basis. Basically, you are afraid.
Growing up with a “toxic narcissist” mother is not easy for a child. What was it like to grow up having a toxic, narcissist woman as a mother?
anitaFebruary 27, 2019 at 8:10 am #282005
Yes I am afraid, a lot..its truth…the thing that I am doing now is to going to a psychologist and to my work. I started reading books that I like and see movies/series that I love. My job is in different town than my own and it help me to be away from house because I am started realise that I did well to start a full time job.
Now about the narcissist mother..I have no words to describe her…although she was a good for growing up our family, she was always compare myself with other girls on my age and school, that they were better than me, that they got married before me and they have families, that I always made poor choices on my relationships, and of course controlling, and competitive person toward her sisters and among us with other childs. She wanted to be someone else, someone that she admired, like teachers, or high level job positions. And of course everytime that I was sad was the first person to criticize me. And money I felt that was above me instead of being me above money. Because when I left my job she was so sad that I loosed the money that I gained instead of get well from depression.
What else want me to say?
ElliFebruary 27, 2019 at 8:39 am #282007
When you wrote that your mother was/is “competitive person toward her sisters”, do you mean that she wanted to show her sisters that her child, you, is better than their children?
Meaning, she viewed you as a thing that she owned, like a TV set, and she wanted to show her sisters that she has a bigger, better TV?
anitaMarch 1, 2019 at 10:28 am #282405
Yes, exactly like that. And I have explain her that is a wrong thing to do it hence other children are good even though they never study anything, or are hairdressers, or working anyway in anyjob. And those childs including me are enough just like they are. She showed that she understand but in the next minute/moment behave the same as she was before. She is a difficult situation, I thought that I became crazy that I say things that are not correct. She is sitting there and she is just listen when I am talking but her behaviour is totally different.
ElliMarch 1, 2019 at 11:30 am #282409
Her behavior stays the same even though she says she understands because she doesn’t understand.
There is no point in you trying to explain it to her again and again. You need to understand… that she doesn’t understand: she can’t or won’t understand you. Give up on trying to make her understand anything at all. Focus on your life, look for people outside your home who do understand, who can and will understand.
It is similar to this: a person is living in a desert, under the hot sun, no rain, nothing grows, all is sand that keeps blowing in the hot wind. The person is frustrated and screams into the emptiness of the desert: I want rain! I want grass to grow and water to flow!
And she stand there in the desert, day after day, year after year, repeating to no one: I want rain! I want grass to grow…!
Better start walking away from where you are, elsewhere, look and you will find what you need over there.
January 6, 2020 at 10:02 am #331617
- This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by anita.
I am writing again, a year after to say that I am just stuck in the relationship part. I am currently not met any person and I am feeling alone. I started the new job as I said a year ago. I continued go to my job day by day, but I am not feel fulfill. the only thing I manage to do is to gain more money and go out sometimes for a drink or shopping. I loose my motivation to live, to fall in love, and I just cannot imagine my life to be happy. all the girls in my job are married and after work they go at home, they don’t suggest a night out or even a coffee time. I feel bored and even more now that the christmas passed, all those days I was felt lonely. all family members were with their families and bbabies. I make a friend that I single and once a week we go out for drinks or sometimes for cinema.
how I will meet my person? and when? I am 32 years old and I am feeling like 60. I am doing the life my parents do.
what should I do more or what I do wrong?January 6, 2020 at 11:30 am #331645
Welcome back ten months and five days following your last post of 2019. I hope this beginning new year turns out better for you. I am glad to read that you are employed (even though you don’t feel fulfilled doing your job).
You asked: “what should I do more or what I do wrong?”- to try and answer this, I ask:
1. Did you attend psychotherapy or counseling since we last communicated?
2. How is your current relationship with your mother?
3. Did you date anyone at all since March last year, been on an online dating site?
anitaJanuary 8, 2020 at 4:23 am #332055
yes I continued my psychologist session and I stopped it on September hence the psychologist suggested that now I am okay to proceed with my life.
in addition, the relationship is improved a lot hence I tried to moved to an apartment and I did it, I stayed there for 4 months and before one week ago I moved at my house again hence apartment had moisture problems. and you know what?’now I am at my parents house again I feel better, safe etc.
at the love department no, I didnt met or going out with anybody or event talk. I started miss the days I have somebody to flirty, to speak and going out have some fun.
p.s happy new year..January 8, 2020 at 8:42 am #332093
Thank you for wishing me a happy new year.
This is what I figure is happening: a child is very, very sensitive to what her mother says and how her mother behaves. Your mother’s words were very powerful and now, even when she doesn’t say anything to you, her words from long ago are still playing in your brain. This is what happens in every human’s brain: hurtful words from childhood keeps repeating through our adulthood.
What did your mother tell you when you were a child and a teenager.. and on: “she was always compare myself with other girls my age and school, that they were better than me, that they got married before me and they have families” (Feb 2019).
Fast forward, Jan 2020, you wrote: “all the girls in my job are married”- your mother’s words are repeating in your brain: “they were better than me.. they got married before me”, etc.
She also told you that you “always made poor choices on my relationships”- it is scary to be told that by your mother because it means.. you can’t trust yourself to make good choices. So you get very scared of making more and more poor choices, worrying.
And when you were worried because of what she told you, worried and sad, she criticized you (“every time that I was sad was the first person to criticize me”). So first she makes you sad and then she criticized you for being sad. It is as absurd as this example: a person throws ice cream in your face and then criticizes you: you have ice cream all over your face, what is wrong with you???
Is it a wonder then, that you “lose my motivation to live, to fall in love, and I just cannot imagine my life to be happy?”- not with her words keep playing in your brain, can’t be happy hearing her words, can’t be happy or hopeful making choices when you are so afraid that once again, those will be poor choices.
“the Christmas passed, all those days I was felt lonely, all family members were with their families and babies” (Jan 2020), you hear her words, they are now your words: “other girls.. they got married before me and they have families” (Feb 2019)
You shared today that you moved to an apartment, stayed there for 4 months and returned to your parents’ home a week ago. And as a result of the move back, you “feel better, safe etc.”. Feb last year you shared that you were living in our parents’ home and that you are “not ready to move and stay alone, I am afraid in a flat alone”.
When a child grows up scared and believing she can’t make good choices, then she is scared to live alone, alone with an incompetent person.. her own self. She still believes that her mother knows better, so she feels safe living with a supposed competent person, one who makes good choices.. her mother/ parents.
My message to you today: your mother criticized you not because there really was something wrong with you, something inferior, being less than other girls your age. She criticized you because there was and is something wrong with her.
It is very difficult to change what we believe deep inside (we believe what we were told by our parent at an early age!), it is difficult to lower the volume on what she said to you then, and hear different words, different thoughts. Like: maybe I can make good choices! Maybe there is nothing wrong or inferior about me!
And it is most difficult to do that when we keep hearing the same hurtful words and messages. I figure, you are less safe living in your mother’s home than living alone, even though you feel safer.
If your anxiety is intense and relentless, and so is your depression, and you don’t find the motivation and energy within yourself to move out, and since you are not seeing a good psychotherapist, maybe psychiatric medications will help you. A group of such medication called SSRIs, has helped millions of people to feel better, to experience less anxiety and less depression.
Did you ever try those?