Dear Csihdu:

Before I answer your current post, I want to summarize what you shared back in Dec 2016 when you were 25 (now 32): you lost your mother when you were 10. Your father was an alcoholic who emotionally abused you. You suffered from an underactive thyroid (diagnosed at 19), and from the most common symptoms of the disorder: extreme fatigue (“I get extremely tired very easily“) and  weight gain. You also suffered from  frequent mood swings (“lots of ups and downs…  I have mood swings which are very frequent and intense“). You were on a medication for the underactive thyroid (“but honestly the symptoms never truly go away“), as well as on antidepressants and an occasional anxiety medication since you were 18 or 19. By the time you were 25, you had more than 4 years of psychotherapy.

You wrote back in Dec 2016: “I’m at point in my life where I feel really good about myself, as if I am finding out who I am… I feel a bit more content with who I am and less like I need to please other people…before I used to not challenge things if I disagreed with certain things… Before, say a year ago, perhaps I would have just not said anything, despite feeling uncomfortable. My therapist thinks I have co-dependent tendencies and we worked on setting boundaries in relationships… They (friends at the time) think it’s just a ‘phase’ I’m going through… sometimes I feel like my kindness gets taken for weakness with these particular people. Hence why I perhaps questioning whether it is time to let go (of those friends)”.

Almost six years later you shared, in your 2nd, current thread, that you have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), that you have no close friendships, your job is dead-end and unfulfilling and your  partner ended his relationship with you.

“I feel like I have no hope or prospects. No direction in life. I feel so, so alone. I see other people with careers, friends, families, hobbies, partners. My life feels unbearable and I don’t know how to change it“-

– (1)  take in your own words, which you wrote to Liby on Dec 1, 2016: “Be gentle with yourself. You are doing well. And know that every day you wake up is a success“.

(2) Contemplate what you wrote to Nina on the same day: “As the Buddha said nothing is life is permanent“.

(3) Measure your success on the progress you make every day over the day before: build today’s progress on top of yesterday’s, and tomorrow’s on top of today’s.

(4) “I see other people with careers, friends, families, hobbies, partners“- see the whole picture which includes the many, many millions of people who do not have jobs or careers, who like you have unfulfilling jobs, no friends or no.. friendly friends, nor partners. When I am asked How are you? My standard answer (which is always right and never wrong) is: Better than some, not as good as others“.

I would like to read more from you… ?

anita

How are you, Csihdu?

anita

Dear Csihdu:

You are welcome, and good to read that you were doing a little better when you last posted. I hope you still are!

“I struggle with extreme abandonment issues. Even when I say goodbye to people I get anxious I won’t see them again, that they don’t like me, that I annoyed them. Huge fear of being alone. That’s probably the toughest battle I have right now if you have any advice“- to start with, every night as you lie in bed, ready to fall asleep, imagine a comforting figure (a person who at times made you feel safe to be with, maybe your mother who passed away when you were 10, maybe a teacher, maybe a TV/ movie personality who has this effect on you), and imagine that person holding a child- the child being you- arms around you. Feel the warmth of this person arms, gently rocking back and forth, perhaps, humming a song, maybe- whatever comforting interaction suits you. Take slow, deep breaths as you take the image in.

If you do this (or already did), Csihdu, let me know how it goes. Later on, if you wish, you can visualize saying goodbye to this or that person in a relaxed kind of way- as a mental/ emotional preparation for future, real-life goodbyes. (We have to imagine something happening a certain way before we can begin to believe that it is possible for us).

“I met with my ex-partner and asked hm to give me another chance…  We are speaking again now although taking things slow“- slow will be tough for you on the long-run, wouldn’t it?

“my drug counsellor has said.. that I need to put myself first… I have an extreme fear of abandonment to the point I will sacrifice myself to be what I perceive as ‘accepted’“- at times, when the fear of being alone is huge, and feeling so alone feels like approaching death, putting someone else first feels as urgent as the need to stay alive, doesn’t it? If so, no wonder you will lose most of yourself so to avoid losing all of yourself.

anita

How are you, Csihdu? Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays to you!

anita