I met my husband 6 years ago through mutual friends. We ran into each other socially occasionally after that, but didn’t start dating until about a year and a half/two years ago. Our relationship moved very quickly and we became very close. I felt we wanted the same things- children, stability, intimacy, spirituality, a home, to make art. Early into our relationship, I got pregnant. We had already been speaking about marriage, so my husband proposed. I said yes. I wanted to wait for a year to get married so we could really get to know each other better, but I had a lot of pressure from him and from my family to get married right away. He said if I moved to be with him he had a stable job and he would take care of us. I loved him and felt hopeful despite not dating long, was living in a different state and feeling a wreak because of the pregnancy, so I caved and we were married. I moved to his state, left my career, bought a house. I put the money down on the house because I have more. He agreed to pay the mortgage and electricity and then more bills as things progressed so we would be on more equal financial footing.

Well, he was unable to pay many bills. I’ve been left with most of the financial burden. He is in real estate but he spends most of his time out of the house. He works at his mothers house in a little office he has there. Many days he is only home for about an hour when the baby is awake. He is very loving towards me and the baby, but when other people are around he is easily pulled. He’s desperate for approval so he breaks promises to me easily when something else comes up. I’ve caught him lying about insignificant things.

We’re planning a big wedding now. We had a tiny ceremony last year and this year we wanted to recommit our vows and have a big party with about 150 people. About a week ago I was home sick while he was out with friends and I went onto his computer to check an email from a friend of his- she wanted to bring a plus one and it was a point of contention between us. I honestly intended to wait until he got back to talk to him about it, but he was 6 hours later than I expected him so I decided to just check on my own.

I found an email in which my husband was planning a “crazy” bachelor party with his friends. It was a weekend he was supposed to be at a conference out of state. It was also the weekend we were having a party for our daughters baptism and I was struggling to get everything done while taking care of an infant. Worst of all, he called me derogatory names to his friend in the email and told his friend to tell the guys not to tell me because I didn’t know about the “party aspect” of the conference.

This email upset me so much, I looked more. I found folders and folders of gay porn. No straight porn. Screen shots of chats on dating sites with men. Photos of my husband. It was partially so shocking because he’s always presented himself as being quite prudish, though we did have sex occasionally and it was good.

When I confronted him about these things he denied them at first, even when I gave him details. Then he became defensive and said he could have whatever he wanted on his computer. Eventually he admitted that I was right. He told me he had been working as a prostitute, mostly with men. Facilitating the sale of drugs at gay sex parties. He said he stopped before I got pregnant. That was why he had been financially stable in the beginning of our relationship. There were more recent photos than that (I guess the photos are for soliciting online), but he said he never posted them.

I’m completely heartbroken about all of this. I’m trying to figure what to do. We’ve been talking a lot. I want to still love him. I’m struggling because there are aspects of this that I think I could accept but the lying is making it hard for me to get a full picture. I started to feel like things were settling a little bit when I found out the one real relationship in his history was also a lie. He always spoke about this woman he lived with for a while, trips they had taken, her children, the work he had done in her house. It turns out she was fabricated. The relationship, the trips, the children were with a man he had secretly been seeing. I met this man once. He works in the same industry as my father and I met him at an event. My husband introduced him as an acquaintance. I remember being angry because I was 8 months pregnant and the man made a comment that my face would probably stay fat like his wife’s face had.

I’m reeling. It’s not so much the sexual relationships with men as the lies. The way he makes me look to other people to make himself look better. I had asked him when we were dating if he had ever been with a man, he said no. We are having our recommitment ceremony in less than a week. My parents know a little bit about what’s going on but not all. I can’t bare to expose my husband for all of this. They want me to still have the wedding and then divorce after if necessary. I’m holding things together for my little girl but I’m not sure I can hold it together for this wedding.

I’m not perfect. I can be demanding. I’m a perfectionist. I put pressure on myself and other people. I still love my husband. Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy for it. He says his heart is breaking. He wanted a new start with me. When we’re together he can be very caring and gentle and loving. He makes me feel good. But he was paid to make people feel good, physically and emotionally. I don’t know what’s real. He admitted that we both know he can sell me. I want to help him, but I also want to protect myself and my daughter. I so want to be forgiving and move on with our life but I don’t know what’s for the best or what I should do. Please help me.