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My mother is stonewalling me

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  • #380713
    kleineBlumealleine
    Participant

    Dear everyone,

    i do not really know whom else to ask and i am curious to see if i am too biased to see the truth behind all of this.

    i am a 32 year old woman, living far away from my parents and elder sister. Me and my family never had a good relationship, which made my childhood and adulthood quite difficult. As a kid i was sexually abused for years by a distant family member and all of it left unnoticed. once i came forward, my parents told me they did their best and that no one will love me if i play broken and stay depressed. My mother always was very protective of my elder sister, who constantly called me ugly, told me i have breasts as “milk cans”, and that i will be a lonely person used for sex only, as a grownup. My father is very strict. i was never allowed to hang out with other teenagers after 5 p.m, or talk at a family table if i didnt have anything smart to say. In addition to this, my parents picked out my university in another country and then after 3 months of the beginning they stop financing me so i struggled to get my degree, first room to live in, and eat.

    Usually i am not talking to my family much, due to covid they reached out (also because they didnt want to spend time with my sick grandma so they asked me to travel home and take care or her), and i decided, that casually talking to them, might be okay.

    For some weeks they keep stonewalling me: my elder sister got a family house with his husband (they both are not working) and a job at my hometown – and once i raised concerns about me being left out once again and not handled equally or fair, my mother just stopped answering. it has been weeks now. My father never talked to me before or called me, so he is only reachable through my mom for some seconds, and my siter also disappeared.

    i am just wondering, what to do in this situation?

    they keep telling me i enjoy holding grudges anf that they did their best but i am just really unsure how to move on together from this situation.

    thank you all for your honest opinion.

    #380735
    anita
    Participant

    Dear KleineBlumeAllaine:

    I will be able to read and reply to you in about 16 hours from now. I hope other members reply before I return.

    anita

    #380740
    anita
    Participant

    Dear KleineBlumeAllaine:

    From what you shared, your parents told  you that they did their best, but in actuality they did they worst. They told you that you enjoy holding grudges because they want you to take their neglect and abuse without complaining, and they will stonewall you until you no longer remind to them that they did wrong to you.

    “what to do in this situation?”- stop trying to connect to your mother, father, elder sister and anyone who supports them in their stand against you- make a better, more just life for yourself- away from them.

    (Easier said than done?)

    anita

    #380745
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear kleineBlumealleine,

    your family hasn’t treated you well, either in the past or now. They didn’t notice the sexual abuse, and when you told them, they had no compassion for you but told you to stay silent and pretend like it never happened, because “no one will love me if i play broken and stay depressed.” They in fact blamed you for being broken and depressed, rather than the distant relative who did this to you. They also left you stranded when they picked out an university for you in a foreign country and then stopped paying after 3 months.

    Last year, they called you to come from far away to help take care of your sick grandmother. If I understood well, it’s not because they didn’t want to expose her to the risk of covid, but because they didn’t want to take care of her?

    And the latest – your sister got a family house, and you’re left out of the inheritance, right?

    Unfortunately your parents haven’t treated you well. It feels like they’ve almost disowned you, and only care to reach out when they need something from you. You hoped it might be okay to keep in touch with them, but they betrayed you once again when they left you out from the inheritance. And when you complained about it, they stopped speaking to you. They accuse you of holding grudges against things you absolutely have the right to hold grudge against – against their abuse and neglect, as anita said.

    So I think you better stop expecting anything from them. Perhaps stopping all contact would be the best, because if the only thing they can give you is mistreatment, then what’s the point in staying in touch?

    I would like you ask you how you’re feeling about this whole situation? Do you feel guilty for “holding grudges”, or you see their accusations are unjust?

     

    #380746
    kleineBlumealleine
    Participant

    Dear anita, Dear TeaK,

    thank you for your kind and fast answers!

    I took a week off to meditate on it and i reached the same conclusion. It is just so hard to believe that it wont get better than this.

    about holding grudges: i know that they hurt me and i would wish they would acknowledge it instead of pushing me into this role of the unthankful, cold child. On the other hand, of course i feel guilty: it is somehow tempting to believe they are right and i just have to fix myself to have a loving family.

    Luckily i am in a good place: i have a loving boyfriend (5years), good friends, a home and a steady job so i really do hope i can work myself through this and close the chapter.

    Thank you a lot again!

    #380750
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear kleineBlumealleine,

    you’re very welcome. I am glad you’re in a good place in life, having a loving relationship, good friends and financial stability. It means you have a lot of strength and resilience, and the ability to build healthy relationships, in spite of all the hardship you went through.

    As for guilt, a child always blames themselves for being mistreated, and believes that if only they change, their parents will finally love them. So it’s natural there’s a part of you who’s tempted to think that. It’s the wounded inner child, I believe.

    But it seems you also have a healthy adult part who sees the truth and has compassion for yourself as a child, and for yourself now. This adult part also knows how to protect yourself. That’s why, after having meditated, you came to the conclusion that it’s better to stop communicating with them. You know how to protect yourself, and that’s very important.

    So I’d say just stay anchored in that loving, compassionate adult part, and whenever you start feeling guilty and start believing you’re cold and ungrateful – remind your inner child that it’s not her fault and that you’re there to protect her. And remind yourself that they are the cold and unloving ones, and you have every right to protect yourself from their mistreatment.

     

    #380755
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kleineBlumeallaine:

    You are welcome.

    “Me and my family never had a good relationship, which made my childhood and adulthood quite difficult”- better have no relationship with your family of origin, so that the rest of your adulthood is easier than your life so far.

    “my parents told me they did their best and that no one will love me if I play broken”- they didn’t do their best (and if they did, then their best was far from being good enough!), and they broke you and then accused you or warned you against playing broken.

    “my elder sister… told me I have breasts as ‘milk cans’, and that I will be.. used for sex only, as a grown up”- your elder sister sexually  harassed you when referring to your breasts in this context and suggesting that you will be used for sex. She didn’t see you as a person with feelings, a person who has basic rights and deserves respect, when saying that: she saw you instead as a sexual object to be used (by men, as a grow up).

    “I know that they  hurt me, and I wish they would acknowledge it instead of pushing me into this role of the unthankful, cold child”- it is convenient for them to push you into that role, it makes them feel comfortable to view you as cold and unloving and themselves as warm and loving.

    “it is somehow tempting to believe they are right and I just have to fix myself to have a loving family”- you already have a loving family: “a loving boyfriend (5 years), good friends, a home and a steady job”. In regard to your family of origin, the one that made your life difficult so far, leave them alone to .. love each other and enjoy their view of themselves as warm and loving people.

    anita

    #380776
    kleineBlumealleine
    Participant

    Dear anita, dear TeaK,

    can not thank you enough. just to know that someone acknowledged my pain and made an effort to understand what i went through already brought me so much relief!

    i will always remember your words and apply them going forward.

    wishing you all the best.

     

    #380778
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kleineBlumealleine:

    You are very welcome. Thank you for your appreciation and for your good wishes. I hope that you feel comfortable enough to post here anytime you want to.

    anita

    #380787
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear kleineBlumealleine,

    you’re very welcome, I am glad it helped you confirm what you already knew in your heart.

    Thank you for your good wishes, I wish you all the best too, and take good care of yourself!

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