Have you ever seen the movie He’s Just Not That Into You? I don’t say that to be mean or rude, but that is the first thing that came to mind after reading your story. Oh darlin’ please read and re-read the writing on the wall. He is NOT the one for you. I get it-you are hanging on thinking that the light bulb will finally go off in his head and suddenly your “happy ever after” will commence, but it just ain’t so baby…smh. Do YOU sweetie. You deserve that guy that will be all that you have ever desired and more. The ball is in your court and it appears that it always has been. Love yourself more than you love him…move on. Much peace & many blessings!

It’s funny how we ask others for answers to questions we already know the answer to. It’s because we don’t like the truth and we hope that maybe someone else will tell us differently. We can either live in denial and stay in these horrible relationships or we can move on and find someone who values us. First we must love ourselves, we can’t expect a man to make us happy and fill a void only we can fill. If you’re not happy alone you will never be happy with anyone else. Work on yourself and put yourself first and everything will fall into place. Good luck and stay strong.

Soffy, if someone who is intimate with you hasnt told you he loves you in all that time, then hes not likely to i feel……its hard to move away from someone youve invested time and emotion in – and you say he “took” your virginity – from what you say, you gave it, that may sound harsh but from what you are writing i doubt he took something that wasnt given – in your case through love. We move on – and on and are very fortunate if we dont get hurt throughout life – i guess its the way we learn about ourselves and others. Down the line, your feelings will have changed. Thats the way it is, what seems so vital to us now usually isnt at some point in the future. All the best to you.

Hi Soffy,

There is one thing I am learning from current sort of relationship, and that is to not take it personal. He seems like he has a lot of emotional problems, and really, none of those seem to be at cause of you. The difference between my sort of relationship and your actual relationship, is that my sort of boyfriend is incredibly caring, loving and all in all worth the confusion I endure with him. (you’ll find my posts on here touching on that confusion, haha)

I realize that you’re looking at things objectively and understanding that any relationship can be complicated, but in my opinion, this shouldn’t be that hard.

Potential for growth is a good thing. Again, with any relationship, there can be potential for growth. But do you feel happy right here, right now? Or are you looking at this as a business deal? Your relationship with this man is not a company that you’re starting from ground up and one day you will reap the benefits of the hard work you put into it. Sure, one day maybe it’ll be easier. Maybe because you’re not working a waitress job or because he has gotten over his ex or he found the guts to tell you he loves you. But what if one day doesn’t come? Not to sound like a bumper sticker, but you really only have “right now” as a guarantee.

So look at it that way: are you happy today? it doesn’t sound like it. Your title of the post is “my relationship is killing me” That doesn’t sound fun, or any kind of growing to me. It sounds you’re (unintentionally) allowing him to limit your own growth. Perhaps take some time and re-read what you wrote. Your answers seem to be within your own question. Life is too short to spend with someone who seemingly looks at you as a second choice. While his honesty about there being a possibility he will get back with his ex eventually may seem comforting “oh at least he’s honest”–it’s not at all fair to you. (Not to compare situations again, but the guy I am seeing is hesitant about relationships because of his ex, but has made it clear that although he’s not 100% over her, he has no desire to be with her. And his hesitation is due to how she hurt him AND a few unresolved feelings floating around, and it not being fair. But he is clear he’s working on it. Which is completely different than your boyfriend essentially telling you the only reason they aren’t together is due to distance)

You seem emotionally well rounded and like you know what you want. And it doesn’t seem to be the situation you’re currently in. I’m sure you’ll find someone who’s happy with you right now, and wants to to grow with you rather than someone who is waiting for the person you will become.

Good luck.

Hi Soffy,

If something feels like it is killing you there is only one solution. Walk away and maybe spend some time getting to know who you are. I have wasted so much time in my long life trying to make things right or make a bad situation better. I stayed with a husband who turned out to be a sociopath because I thought I would be a bad person for breaking my commitment to our marriage. In the end result, after I was with another man who put me down while speaking words of love just as my former husband had, I walked away again and am working on valuing myself enough that I will never again accept poor treatment. Getting sexual with a man instead of getting to be intimate with him seems to alter a woman’s perspective on a relationship. I will never again give myself sexually to a man before I’m sure that I will be loved and safe in the relationship.
Wishing you the very best that life has to offer.