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My relationship with myself and others

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #172787

    Keiran
    Participant

    Hi, I’ve never written on here. I have browsed many of the posts on Tiny Buddha before, over the last year or so. Mainly articles about self love as a I feel as if I lack that in my life.

    A couple of months ago I started seeing a guy. And we get on well when we’re together and have seen each other most weeks since we met.

    However, I don’t like how the relationship is making me feel about myself. Sometimes he takes a while to reply and I worry if he isn’t interested. I’ve ready many posts putting yourself out there and acting on how you feel but I’ve gotten upset and cried many times over how I feel about this guy, despite that fact that we’ve only known each other for just under three months.

    Today I bumped into him in the street, and when I saw him. It wasn’t excitement or anything. I felt flustered and lied to him about exactly what I was doing. I wasn’t doing anything odd really, I was walking my friend to her bus stop. But I told him that I was staying out to make myself seem more interesting or something, I’m not really sure. I’ve not had many ex’s, but when I tried to search up similar stories of people feeling like this, all of the articles were about bumping into an ex, not a current partner.

    I feel like I get worried or upset when he doesn’t reply to my messages and or whatever. However I feel like it’s too in the relationship to bring these issues up to him. I know a lot of time people say things like ‘tell your partner you wish they would communicate better’ or things similar but I feel like I should be with someone who just wants to talk to me a lot in the first place.

    I think a lot of my issues come from insecurities within myself or a lack of self love. As I previously said, even before dating him I’ve found myself on this website quite a bit and I thought I was over some of them but I think I’m wrong.

    I’m not sure exactly what advice I’m looking for, but I’m thinking of calling it off with him soon and trying to focus on feeling better about myself. Do you think that would be the right call?

    Whether or not I do call it off, I want to start feeling better about myself and my relationships. I’ve noticed my self talk regarding the relationship is rather negative. Thinking things such as ‘you’re boring, no wonder he’d want to talk to you’ and whatever.

    I’ve also read a lot about self esteem and confidence and how thinking about things your proud of helps , and I have a lot to be proud of I think. But it still doesn’t help that I sometimes feel really horrible about this relationship, and I think it stems from inner feelings about myself. I’m just not sure where to start when it comes to feeling better about myself.

     

    There’s a lot in there I know, and a couple of questions but I think more than anything I needed to vent.

     

     

    #172811

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Keiran,

    The relationship sounds very “new” if you are keeping him on his toes by spontaneously saying you were “staying out” (instead of going to the boring bus stop) when you bumped into him.

    Are you two exclusive? You could ask him that and say that you’re just making sure as guys still approach you when he’s not around and you’re not sure what to say. You can bet that will keep him on his toes and he will contact you more!

    In short, yes, you are insecure. And yes, he should be checking in with you more.

    Don’t let him take you for granted! But also be honest with yourself. Is this really the guy for you, whether you had confidence or not?

    Best,

    Inky

    #172813

    Inky
    Participant

    My reply got lost!

    Ok, my short version:

    1. You are insecure

    2. He should contact you more whether you have confidence or not

    3. Are you being honest with yourself about your true feelings about this guy? Don’t stay with him just because he’s there.

    Best,

    Inky

    #172847

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Keiran:

    Being in this relationship you feel uncomfortable. No wonder you don’t want to be in it. It is not that he is the wrong man or that there is something wrong with this new relationship in itself. Thing is being in it causes you distress because, I believe, it brings to the surface what you call insecurity or lack of self love.

    When in a relationship, we tend to project our thoughts and our beliefs into the other person. We imagine, in your case, you imagine that it is he who is thinking you are boring when it is you that are thinking that you are boring. You imagine he is thinking that you are not valuable when it is you who are thinking and believing it.

    If you end this new relationship, you may experience a relief, less discomfort, no one to project into your thoughts and beliefs, but these thoughts and beliefs will continue to be there, in your brain. Changing core beliefs (like: I am not valuable) is possible.

    Hope you post again.

    anita

    #172867

    Keiran
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thanks for replying.

    I have thought about if he should be checking in with me more, and I haven’t been able to figure out if my expectations or how much I think about him or want to talk to him are pretty intense for so early on in the relationship. What I mean is my exctment about it all too much for the moment. It may be due to the fact I haven’t really dated much in the past so this is one of the first real kind of things for me I think. Although he says its the same case for him, it being new to him, so I don’t know if it’s normal to be less or more excited at this point. He did text me earlier, a short conversation which lead to him apologising about the awkwardness of our interaction when I bumped into him. He said it was due to the fact he’d had a few pints that evening. I could hardly blame him for that as I had had a few myself. I simply told him I felt awkwardness too and not to worry, although I don’t know if that was me saying this so an argument or uncomfortable situation would start.

    As to the seeing him because he’s there or not the right guy point, I don’t know how to be totally sure about this one, but when we are together we laugh a fair bit. I’ve always been described as funny, so I guess humour is my most comfortable mode. I guess it’s when I’m away from him that I worry. Even writing that last sentence makes me feel nauseated, because it’s so soppy, but oh well.

    Thanks

    Keiran

    #172869

    Keiran
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for replying. I feel that ultimately, your point of me needed to change core beliefs about myself, is correct. Any advice on where to start. As I said before, I’ve read a lot of stuff on this site, as well as others, and whilst a lot of the advice sounds great, I find it hard figuring out where to start, probably due to absorbing too much information at once.

    Thanks

    Keiran

    #172885

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Keiran:

    Changing core beliefs, starting with changing one core belief, cannot be done by reading articles or books. It can only be done while interacting with another person over time. Best done in the context of quality psychotherapy. Otherwise, it is possible in the context of a healthy, mutually beneficial, safe relationship with another person.

    Right here, on this Forum, you and I can interact. It is not therapy and I am not a therapist. What I can offer you is my safe input, here on this thread, that is, that I will not criticize you and that I will treat you respectfully at all times. (These two things, not criticizing and respecting, unfortunately is lacking in many human interactions and in most relationships).

    * A person cannot learn self love outside of interactions with others, that is why no matter how much you read and understand when not in a relationship with the guy you are currently seeing, once you get back into a relationship with him or with someone else, you will encounter the same thoughts and core beliefs.

    anita

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