This is the pain that you are hiding from every time you attempt to reshape the situation to avoid responsibility for your actions.

Hi David

You did lie to her, use her and waste her life. You can only be truthful with others once you’re truthful with yourself. You’re not even honest with yourself about why you keep her around?

The only way you are going to change is to face what you did. You seem set against doing this.

You asked her to humiliate and degrade herself for your excitement, because you enjoyed watching her suffer. Can you imagine how painful it must be for someone to care about to ask those things of you? And even more painful to actually do them. And even more painful to understand that they like watching you suffer.

Then! You cheated on her despite being in an open relationship. You could have easily told her the truth. So why did you lie? To further add to your excitement by watching her suffer? And after all of this. You grew bored and tossed her aside, after everything she did for you. The amount of suffering you put this woman through is unbelievable.

Do you know what you did? Do you empathise with the horrific amount of pain she is in that you caused? Do you feel guilty about it? Do you feel ashamed? Do you hate yourself for what you did?

Do you think an apology is enough? Saying the words and not understanding the pain you caused is easy. Part of apologising is making amends. You have not made amends. You don’t even appear to understand the pain that you’ve caused. You don’t even appear to regret your behaviour. It appears that you can’t even connect to those emotions.

Btw despite your desire to change. The only reason that will actually cause change is a desire to stop passing your pain onto others. You are going to have to learn to care about others this is something your therapist can help you with.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Helcat.

Hi David

When you practice bdsm and voyeurism you are often performing behaviours that in any other circumstance would be considered abusive.

These behaviours are inherently humiliating and degrading for participants and you were excited by them. Some people enjoy being humiliated and degraded. Just because they feel this way, doesn’t mean the behavior is healthy. Clearly, her mental health isn’t good and these behaviors had a significant impact on her.

You said you used to listen and watch your partner with other men. You asked her to do these things with other men didn’t you? Or did she immediately offer when you suggested that you are excited by voyeurism? You already admitted that you feel that you talked her into somethings.

Just because you have a crush on someone, and you hang out with them doesn’t mean that people are naturally comfortable with voyeurism. My guess is that this addiction, like many sex addictions, spiraled out of control and you asked each other to do more and more humiliating and degrading things.

I would ask you to be honest with yourself. Are you still in contact with her because she is still sending you sexual content?

Hi David

It’s good that you decided to stop and see a therapist. But I think that might be because the whole situation went so far that you were hurt by it.

A good heartfelt apology details and takes responsibility for individual behaviours. If I say or do something hurtful, I describe the behaviour and I try and show that I understand how it made them feel when I apologise. For example, when apologising to my husband, I shouldn’t have snapped at you earlier, I’m sorry for making you feel hurt or uncomfortable.

Please discuss what happened with your therapist. You don’t seem to have a clear understanding of the impact of your behaviour on your partner or even yourself. I believe this is a defense mechanism, or perhaps you haven’t deeply thought about how other people are affected?

People have had to explain to you simple concepts such as cheating and how bdsm and other behaviours play with emotions such as humiliation, degradation and shame. You struggle to take responsibility for your part in it. I do believe that you want to learn. Because you haven’t disappeared when confronted with these things and after some explanation you do start to understand and take responsibility for parts of it. This and the fact that you are seeking therapy means that you’re trying.

The difficulty of these situations is that often people consent to things that they don’t really want to do, usually because they care about the person and because they have difficulty maintaining boundaries.

As Anita recommended, I suggest you do not participate in any more sexual communication with your ex. In fact, ask her to stop sending it to you. Ask your therapist about developing empathy for others. It will help you make the changes you need.