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My Sister Wasn’t Impressed by Significant Other

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  • #402877
    Kara
    Participant

    Just as some background:

    I (female) began dating my significant other (male) about 8 months ago, though we messaged each through an online dating app well over a year ago. Basically, we have been in communication since April 2021. I say this because I feel confident I have a good understanding of who this guy is (not a perfect one, but I feel comfortable).

    We decided to exclusively be with each other this year and have now been together for 4 months.  I am 28 years old and he is turning 31 in two months. We are not teenagers anymore. I feel confident I know what I want and he has informed me he knows what he wants. We both want to be together. We are both on the same page concerning marriage and building a family.

    I am an attorney and he is in hotel maintenance management. Our salaries are vastly different, but we both put funds into the relationship equally, or as reasonably as possible. We don’t do extravagant trips because I am being mindful of what he can afford. So though I may likely go on a more “lavish” trip with friends that can afford it, I tend to be more reasonable with him.

    The “Issue”:

    My sister, reasonably so, wanted to meet him. So we set up an opportunity for us to go on a double date. Being understanding of how it can be nerve-wracking to meet new people, I feel that the double date went OK, at least there were not obvious issues.

    The day after, my sister and I were talking and she mentioned that she did not know how to feel about my significant other (“SO”). I inquired into what she meant by that statement and she basically said along the lines that she was not impressed.  That she thought I would be with someone more similar (i.e., career, education). And to be frank, that hurt to hear.

    Now I did ask my sister for her opinion and she can clearly voice what she wants. But ever since she made that comment, I have been feeling uncomfortable (not sure if that is the right feeling). I now worry my family will not approve of him. Though my parents have already met my SO — and voiced that they liked him — I cannot help but wonder what other family members will think.

    Is he really not a good person for me because he never went to college and doesn’t make as much as me? Is that a truly fair way to judge someone? I already know how I feel, but I would like an outsider perspective.

    Is it a dealbreaker when a family member(s) does not approve of a significant other?

     

    #402878
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kara:

    In your January 2019 thread you shared that your sister has been competitive with you, that she’s been after your ex- boyfriends: “I met a guy (Kyle) and I started dating him… My sister and Kyle have gotten to know each other and both seem interested… My sister has attempted to date an ex (V) in the past… My sister had also reached out to another ex of mine (Dan) for a ride home from a party” –

    – is it possible that your sister wants you to break up with your new boyfriend so that he will become your ex and then… go after him?

    You wrote back in Jan 2019: “my sister always picked on me. Put me down. Treated me like I was inferior… My sister always had to be right, so the moment I learned to stand up for myself, the more she learned to hurt my self-esteem” – has she changed since Jan 2019 or does she still treat you like an inferior, like a person who is in the wrong?

    Is it a deal breaker when a family member(s) does not approve of a significant other?” – if the family member is your sister and she hasn’t changed, then her opinion should not be a deal breaker at all.

    Is he really not a good person for me because he never went to college and doesn’t make as much as me?” – I don’t think that there is a connection between being a good person and a person’s education and income.

    Is that a truly fair way to judge someone?” – it is unfair to express to/  treat anyone as inferior (ex.,  your sister treating you as an inferior, or treating your SO as an inferior). On the other hand, you are not obligated to date or marry a man regardless of his education and income. You have the right to consider a man’s education and income so to see if your objectives can be met with your combined income.

    anita

     

    #402914
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kara:

    I want to reply a second time. On Jan 26, 2019, three years and five months ago, you wrote in regard to your sister: “I know she will tell me that I am awkward, socially inept to hurt me and not to help me” –

    – it is not far stretched to think that currently, she is still trying to hurt you, not to help you. When she recently told you in regard to your boyfriend that “she was not impressed.  That she thought I would be with someone more similar (i.e., career, education)”, her intention- being fully aware of it, or not- may have been to tell you that your choice of a boyfriend was awkward, socially inept.

    You wrote back on Jan 26, 2019: “my sister always picked on me. Put me down. Treated me like I was inferior” – and recently, she treated your choice of a boyfriend as an inferior choice, and in so doing, she picked on you, put you down.

    You wrote yesterday: “she was not impressed….  And to be frank, that hurt to hear” – because it hurts to be picked on and to  be put down, doesn’t it?

    Back to Jan 2019:  “At family events, after we all hit a certain age, my sister would always hog my cousins from me. Making me feel like I was always the one to be left out” – is she trying now to cause you to break up with your boyfriend so that once again, you are the one left out?

    “My sister always had to be right, so the moment I learned to stand up for myself, the more she learned to hurt my self-esteem” – don’t make her right by breaking up with your boyfriend; don’t let her to keep  hurting your self-esteem.

    You wrote yesterday regarding your boyfriend: “I feel confident I know what I want and he has informed me he knows what he wants. We both want to be together. We are both on the same page concerning marriage and building a family” –

    – to know what people want is very important when it comes to choosing what kinds of relationships to have with others, if any. It is sad when a family member (a parent, a sibling, other) wants to hurt another family member but it happens too often. In regard to siblings, it is often an older sibling who is repeatedly trying to hurt a younger sibling.

    I have a saying: when it comes to Family, sometimes a family is just another F word. A crude saying, isn’t it? But yet, sadly and sometimes tragically true. Too often it is people outside your family that you can trust, not the people within your family. And in regard to your sister, seems to me,  that she is a person you would be very unwise to trust.

    anita

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