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My story (long)

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 months ago.

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  • #149997

    Shawn995
    Participant

    Hello everyone, i have been visiting this site for a while daily, read some really great insights and advices, as well as some interesting life stories of the people that shared it here…i struggled with myself to even post short version of mine, (well , i will try to make it as short as i can) but decided to do it anyway, since i may get atleast a little perspective in my life.

    I’m from one little Balkan country, lived with my mother and grandmother since my 6th year when my father passed away, Grandma was  the one who was supporting our family, mother had struggles with employment , she changded few jobs but ended up without one and remained a housewife, and i was really hard to deal kid at home (always arguing) but anyway i did really fine in grade school..in my 6th, 7th grade as i look back now, my anxious thoughts began to arise about what should i do, what to do for a living, why am i stupid, shy, skinny , etc i didnt liked my self back than, i was scared about earning for a living, and a negative question chains began to form in my mind …i still did great till the end of the grade school, but decided to apply for a hospitality (cook) school since that was the job that had good employment rate and as i heard from grown ups it was well payed.. i got in easily, didnt thought about do i like it or not back than, i just saw employment and money…middle school seemed easier than grade shcool, i was passing without a lot of studying, but at the same time a started to feel depressed, tried to distract myself from it, i started playing videogames a lot, started drinking with friends, and than at home, alone, but i tried not to show it when im at school i always laughed, made jokes just, everyone liked me, but on the other side, i was feeling alone, aimless, anxous…i really dont know what kept me going…i finished middle school, decided to though up and get serious about it, and decided to study gastronomy, i thought if i go in big citty, learn from a skilled people i may get to like it, i thought that the reason behind the fact that i didnt like it was my lazyness and being spoiled brat…Managed to get in, moved away for the first time from my parents and friends, started living there alone…my anxieties striked hard…i was feeling sad, confused, lost, didnt had friends, all may “toughness” dissapeared, i was going from day to day empty, scared, i was sinking deeper and deeper, i bulied myself into studying, it felt like impossible thing to manage, i was the worst in my practical classes, since i always seemed absent…i kept trying to study like my life depended on it, i pushed myself, but on the other side my anxieties snowballed at me, i was crying every single day for a few times a day, couldnt sleep, became suicidal..and again i managed to hide it at public…till it became so obvious in my appearance…again something kept me going, i forced myself to go to the therapist….i was a long and ongoing process, i was going on weekly therapies, taking a lot different meds,i still kept it a secret, no one didnt know about it, i did my best at college and i was going well even i wasnt satisfied with what i was doing, a met some friends, met a girl that i fell in love with, that pushed me to do even better, i started reading a blogs and post about self help, than books, i started to learn about why i do what i do, and there decided to fix my thinking and my life..it was going well for me at school, i had few friends, it didnt work out with that girl becouse i was scared of the relationship and of being hartbroken..i met another girl afterwards and decided to take a chance, it started bumpy, but at every down moments we had, the bond was stronger…i started doing exceptional at college since at that time i realised, that was not my calling but i will finish what i started and i will , in time , findmyself and that set me free, i nailed it, i got empleyd at the airport where  i started my internship during college, got my diploma, and remained working there ..(i stopped with therapy right before i met that girl, since i thought that its time i fix myself, and i didnt want to take medications anymore and to depend on em)….meanwhile my girl and i decided to start living together, we started renting an appartment, and started our new life…i was not really satisfied with my work, not becouse of salary even tho it wasnt much, it didnt bothered me a lot, the team was also good, but i couldnt enjoy it, felt like and outsider, it took me long time to adapt even tho i did good…subconsciously i knew i wanted more from life, i knew i could do better, i wanted to give something, to learn something, to be able to enjoy my work and realise my potentials, i continoued reading books, listening to guys like Tony Robbins, Brian Traci ,Brendon,i fed my mind, i still do,   i wanted happy and fullfilling life, i didnt wanted to feel anxious, miserable, and to project that to people around me, but even tho , i couldnt find myself.. at the time, cant say that i was happy but coudnt say otherwise either, i started to feel lost, i even couldnt find staisfaction in my love life with the girl that i really love, and i was scared that my thougts would start to harm our relationship…than, in the middle of my life”brainstorm” , my grandmother felt and broke hip bones, she was in hospital for few months, my mother felt into depression, started blaming me becouse i wasn coming home enough, that i didnt care anymore, she started also blaming everything on my girlfriend, like it was her fault becouse i wanst coming, and it stacked on me again, i felt  huge daily pressure, i didnt know what to do, how to react…after a 2 months of pressure from my mother and blames i made a decision to go back home for a while, , to help them, and also to take time to think about myself and what i wanted….it was hard decision, i had to leave my girl behind and move back…Coming back turned out like a not such a good idea…i cant make reason with my mother, we argue a lot, cant reason with eachother, i also realised that i dont really know what i want, i dont know what i like to do, i know that going back and work in the kitched will just make me miserable, and even at that im not really good at, i started thinking how talentless i am, and after seeing some old friends, i realized i have nothing to give, everybody in my circle of friends know their jobs well and they enjoy their lifes, they enjoy afterwork beer, they enjoy sunny days, music, everything, on the other side there’s me even tho i was considered bright one i feel like stupid, i dont know much about anything, i have superficial knowledge and no practical skill, and on the top of that i cant seem to realise what do i want from my life, what should i do, even tho i really want to give my best at something i dont know what it is…i feel tired, tired of learning, reading, and trying…i started seeing all those flaws on mine again, im forgetfull , i cant learn fast as i did back when i was younger, it takes me a lot of time to adapt and to learn anything , im anxious, i feel really down again…and besides ”good guy” label that follows me, and that something that isnt letting me to give up even tho i feel worthless and burned up…..Im sorry for this really long pell mell post,  but i wrote it quickly as from my flash back images from my head but i had to write it…i managed to hide it for a long time, and i just wanted to share it for the first time , since i have no courage to share those details with any of my friends, or my girlfriend since i always tried to show my better side and did not want to attach myself to my problems…anyway, thanks again for letting me share it here

     

    #150041

    anita
    Participant

    Dear shawn995:

    I will read and reply to your thread in about ten hours. (and maybe another member will answer before then).

    anita

    #150051

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Shawn995,

    It seems to me that life was best (not good, but best out of the bad) when you were away from home living with your girlfriend after you finished school. Is there a chance you can move back out? It doesn’t even have to be with the girl, it can be at a friend’s house for a while. The anxiety stemmed, I think, from your home life, from that “What am I going to do?” thoughts that were in the air from your mom and grandma over the years.

    Best,

    Inky

    #150071

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shawn995:

    You wrote that you shared here, on this thread so that you “imay get atleast a little perspective in my life”- I will offer you a different perspective on two items, for your consideration and evaluation:

    You shared that you argued a lot with your mother when you were a kid. You wrote: “i was really hard to deal with id at home”-

    a different perspective: your mother was the one hard to deal with at home. She was the problem.

    You wrote that in school, while you suffered from significant anxiety and depression, you “tried not to show it when im at school i always laughed, made jokes just, everyone liked me”. About your present life, you wrote: “everybody in my circle of friends know their jobs well and they enjoy their lifes, they enjoy afterwork beer, they enjoy sunny days, music, everything.” –

    a different perspective: everybody may be trying not to show their anxiety and depression, just like you did. They may not be having the great lives you think they do. Just like people believed you were happy while you were not.

    And now my comments: living away from home was the right choice for you. It wasn’t perfect, far from it, I understand, but it was the way better choice than living at home, with your mother. And so, you are experiencing a worsening in your well being. There is no substitute to what you need to do next, I believe, and that is to move away from your mother/ grandmother’s home, never to return to their home.

    Healing/ getting better, I believe, is not possible in that home because it is in that home where the anxiety and depression originated and maintained.

    Post again anytime and take best care of yourself.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by  anita.
    #150109

    Jahrin
    Participant

    Hi Shawn,

    Out of the various people’s stories I have read, you seem to be the one that is gifted. Going by your ability to do well in school without much effort and progressing to move out finish college and get a decent job are all things that other poeple wished they had. The issue here seems to be that the relationship between you and your mother isn’t great and it is possible that her problems with motivation and self belief have, possibly over years, impacted your motivation. Despite the fact that you have strong reasons to be progressing, as you’re very able, your main authority figure, in the absence of your father, is devaluing you, could it be that over the years this has had the adverse efffect and depression you feel? What you must remember is that she suffers from loss and possible regret and that being compassionate towards her and her suffering can bring about peace to your mind.

    You need to motivate yourself to move forward, find happiness and try and reignite the light you have within. Also remember that everything in life is impermanent and that nothing lasts forever including your problems. If you think you’re talentless or depressed, just look on this forum and know that what your experiences can teach you can also help other people in worse circumstances.

    If someone doesn’t appreciate your worth, it doesn’t mean your worthis any less valuable.

    Peace to you.

    Jahrin

    #150354

    Shawn995
    Participant

    First of all thank you all for taking your time to read this post and for giving me your opinions therefore giving me better perspective and outlook on my life . I felt instant relief after reading your answers and giving myself time to think about it differently…since i cant really move back yet , im planning to take the time for myself while im home, and when i dont have any obligations, im reading, training,  thinking, and doing as much as i can to gain a better perspective on myself, my worth, my values, to find what i enjoy in life, to hopefully find my interests and to pursue them, aswell as learning to enjoy the present moment, since all this thinking, moved my focus in different directions, its been a really long time since i really was focused and enjoyed the moment…and again, thank you for taking your time to read and reply, it really meant it to me.

     

    #150374

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Shawn995. Post again anytime.

    anita

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