Hey, James –

Maybe I missed it, but I did not realize that the two of you were sleeping apart.

Let me share my situation, as it may help.

In 2001, I took a new job three states away. Our girls were 2 and 4 then and, since I was out of state, they started sleeping with Mommy. Just made sense with Daddy gone. A few months later, we purchased a new home in our new state and were all again settled under one roof. But the girls stayed in our bed while I was relinquished to the guest room. My wife said it made them feel safe and they shared so much of their day with her as they were going to sleep. Being the nice guy and seeing how it made them happy, I gave.

Now, let me add that my wife has never been big into “doing it and whenever we would have a “date” (yes, sex) she would wait until both girls were asleep and then would visit the guest room. With each passing year, my anger quietly grew. This continued for years – until January of 2016. Yes, 15 years – until one was away in college. I finally put my foot down (probably ridiculously late) and said out loud, “Look! I am your husband, I belong in my bed with you!” She couldn’t deny that I was right. Fortunately, our high school aged daughter who was still at home was all too happy to start sleeping in her own room.

I tell you ALL of this because our sleeping apart hurt much more than it helped. Now, I’m sure some people may disagree, but I cannot see how. If I did it all over again, I would have moved our girls to their rooms after just a year or two. Pure and simple: your girls need to see an example of a husband and wife who share a bed. And your wife needs to know that a.) You are a wonderful and caring guy who’s putting her needs before your own, but can still be b.) The man of the house who sleeps with the woman he married.

Again, sorry to share so much about my story. But I believe that your going to the basement (sleeping away from the bed that is rightly yours) will only add to your current frustration and anger.

Get back to me and we’ll go from there. And I’m here – and happy you reached out.

Ninja

James –

I agree with Anita. I would also say that it sounds like both you and your wife are suffering from depression. I forget, are you both seeing a therapist? If not, I would suggest that you do.

I would still suggest that you get back into your bedroom with her before it becomes too much of “the new normal.” The longer it takes place, the harder it will be to go back. Having her call it “my room” to your girls is not right. Yes, it may seem like a small thing. But the small things are sometimes the tip of the iceberg beneath. And “maybe more space would bring us closer” doesn’t make any sense to me. Sorry, it just doesn’t. Of course, don’t thunder back into your room – if you choose to. Be gentle and diplomatic. Maybe set a date of January 1.

Tell me, does she travel and is away often?

Ninja

Dear James:

I thought she did NOT put pressure on you to be happy. But you wrote: “She said that just when things become ‘nice’ and ‘comfortable’ and she starts to wonder about possibilities I follow a pattern of crashing and in negates all the good that has been achieved.”

– this means she is putting ALL the pressure on you.

No one can be consistently happy for more than a day, a few days? I don’t know what the record out there is (with/ without drugs)

anita

Hi, James. Just checking in on you. Let us know how the holidays, travel, sleeping arrangements, emotions, etc. went.

I hope things are moving in a positive and healthy direction for you both.

Peace … and Merry Christmas!

Ninja

Hello James, I am a wife and have been married for over 20 years. This is going to be a very unromantic, blunt reply and set aside the fact that you have children. Firstly, I believe that your wife does love you deep down for your history and for the man that she married and the father of her girls, but passionate love has waned with time, life, kids, stress, demands and new desires. Possibly you are a person who does not share the deep down soul values and goals in life that she has too. Maybe freedom, adventure and new experiences matter more to her than love and security. She may now need something different in her life. When we say ‘I do’ for as long as we both shall live, is it realistic to make that commitment, really, at age 25, for the rest of our lives? The fairy story is just that, a fairy story.

I found that being in a long term relationship felt like it ended my ability to experience life, particularly other people. I am viewed as a couple. Over time, it’s a huge loss of freedom and a constant compromise, even though I love my husband. The person you want to become is straight jacketed, you lose the ability to know what you really want individually. I would really recommend life coaching, particularly for your wife, so that she can figure out what she really really wants whilst you to some extend, support and love her. What is not right for her within a relationship and life, is ultimately not right for you. You need someone that gives you spontaneously, what you need. What she wants is not within your control and you should not try and mould yourself to be that want, you cannot be it at this time. Sad as it may be for you and your family, you can only support and love her for whatever it is that she wants, even if it is separation. Your understandable anxieties and fear of loss are not going to prevent it, perhaps only exacerbate it and cause resentment. If you love her, you do want her to be happy and fulfilled, even to some extent, at your expense.

I really dont think your wife is giving you enough credit James, and I also really think you are being hard on yourself. Sleeping in the basement – even the image depresses me. Im not surprised you are feeling down. You are doing your best to change and yet being distanced, neglected and it is as if you are on trial.
I really think you shoud be sleeping in an upstairs room, your wife should be in therapy too, and you should stop beating yourself over the head so much.
If any man i had ever been with had shown me so much will to make the relationship survive – I would have been very respectful about it. I think your wife is using the fact that you are a very decent man – and is almost allowing you to grovel emotionally.
This is not ok.
Your self esteem is taking a bashing here.
Please be kind to yourself. You deserve love, respect and trust. You are a good person.