Hi John,

I’m wondering if your wife would consider going with you to marriage counseling.

From what you have said here, it sounds like your wife is unhappy, and thinks it’s your marriage that is making her unhappy.  When you say she “stares off into space,” I wonder if she might be depressed.

I would encourage to maintain your resolve to fight for your marriage because it seems a few other stones need to be turned over before jumping to the conclusion that the marriage itself is the problem.

Wishing you peace,

Airene

Stuttering John,

Airene is suggesting marriage counseling.  I think your wife, her depression, her lack of life direction would be better addressed by an individual therapist.

Her not loving you has little to do with you and a lot more to do with her depression, etc.

However I invite you to look at how you have contributed to the stagnation of your marriage and lack of communication (being surprised by how she felt for over a year).

What things have you done to keep the marriage fresh?  What ways of doing/saying you could create a deeper intimacy, a way of bringing joy into the relationship?

Great that you are seeing a more positive difference by changing your attitude, picking up the household duties, flirting with her.   What other ways can you show/say that you love her?

Mark

Stuttering John:

We’re sort of on the same boat. My wife hasn’t reached the point of not loving me (she says shes does and I believe her) but I know if things don’t change for us, there will not be an us. That’s not to say its over between you and your wife either – sometimes we say things we don’t mean when we’re in a state of deep pain and depression. Sometimes you want to trigger someone by saying something you don’t mean, sometimes you want them to feel your pain (subconsciously done not maliciously or intentional). I would not focus too much on her words. Also, this is what I learned on my journey and I can only speak to my own personal experience and what I believe it is teaching me.

It isn’t always about you. Our ego is always looking for validation, to be loved, to be needed. The pain you feel in your chest, yup that comes from you replying all of these scenarios over and over in your head. STOP IT. Don’t drown yourself in your sorrow and don’t drag that energy home with you either – she already is going through something and needs positive, optimistic, sunny John to come home. This is where you are continuing on your journey when you can, reflecting, meditating, putting in the work to get to the point where you feel whole as you are no matter what is going on around you.

I’m not blaming you John – this isn’t your fault either. You must forgive her for her words but you also must forgive yourself for any thing you are blaming yourself for. Release it – remember that everything (even those that don’t feel so great) are there for a purpose and to serve us in some way. To bring a lesson for us. If you and your wife survive this and figure out a way through it your marriage will be stronger than its ever been however nothing in life is a guarantee.

Mark said on this thread, what other ways can you love her? Define “love”, yours may be different than hers. I pick up a book maybe you’ve heard of it “The 5 Love Languages”. I figured out (and my wife validated it) that my definition of love was not hers. She wanted quality time form me, for me to be present. Ensuring she had my full attention for even a few minuets without my trying to “multi-task” on my phone checking email. She also was acts of service which when I beat her to the dishes she felt loved (strange to me) but it was how she felt I cared, how I could appreciate her and what she has to endure as a stay at home mom. Might be worth a try if you want to explore everything.

Second thing is if she helped you along your journey of change – you should try and help her through it. Not sure how deep is your level of communication but somewhere deep down inside is something shes holding on to tightly and its causing her great pain. She has her own struggle with forgiveness to deal with and you can do your part by showing her love. Unconditional love – no conditions. This means just that, not “I’ve been doing the dishes and flirting with you for two weeks and I can’t get anything out of you, why don’t you still love me?” Doesn’t work that way John. Find the joy in loving her, reflect on the best days of your relationship and give gratitude each day.

Only you can decide at some point if its better you go your own way but your focus shouldn’t be on tomorrow, nor on the whatever happen in the past. Live every single second in the present movement. Not easy but doable with practice. Appreciate every second, every moment. All of this is teaching you something important about yourself. How you respond to it determines the lessons we will encounter along our path. Stay present, stay in faith, stay centered in your heart and always come from a place of love. If you do that, no matter what happens, you can and will find peace in your heart.

Best of luck to you John. Much love and light.

Namaste