I’ve always had an idea as to what a narcissist is but for some reason I never correlated those traits to my father. I just always knew that I had things rough at home and there was a lot of dysfunction, even to this very day there are the same patterns and issues going on. I just recently discovered as I have been doing research on these behaviors and trying to better understand myself that my dad is in fact a narcissist. He has been mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive to my family pretty much my whole life. Don’t get me wrong he has his good sides and moments but when things don’t go his way or someone doesn’t agree or do something to his liking the whole world is to pay. He has never been much a listener always in need of the last word and never properly disciplined his kids because he was busy being one himself. Obsessing over his computer, his phone, dvds or the latest technology instead of getting to know his children and spend quality time with us. The type to buy take out every day and wait on my mother to buy groceries or cook. Hes a functioning alcoholic to top it off! I remember living in at home my brother mom him and I and there being a temper tantrum almost every day, if not every other…literally…breaking dishes, punching holes in the walls, just tearing up the place, yelling at the top of his lungs, cursing God and himself saying no one gave a f*** about him etc. Blaming my  mom for how she raised us or angry with her about something she did he didn’t agree with. When we were forced to leave that house on account of foreclosure because he stopped helping my mother pay the bills out of pay back and envy of her relationship with my brother, we left with all of the doors off the hinges in the house because of his behavior over the years. As I think about these things i come to the realization that i was never truly loved as a child. And even as an adult I am still not loved or respected. My privacy was invaded and i grew to hate him. i CAN COUNT one hand how many times he has told me hes proud of me or told me im beautiful. Im not so sure I have completely forgiven him but I have learned that those are his ways and how to deal with him which is bare minimum and on my terms. My mother and I have a pretty good relationship but I honestly wish that she would move on from him, but after all these years I don’t think she will she is too consumed with him and the toxicity. Shes pretty much taken on the role of the doormat in the scenario. Always loving, understanding and giving him the benefit of the doubt no matter what, “til death do part” literally. The reason why this hit me hard today is because i realized that I turned into my mom and began dating men like my father without even knowing!!! My ex boyfriend was a narcissist JUST LIKE HIM!! How could I have not known?! All loving and sweet one moment and then belittling and carrying on like a mad man the next it was too much. We dated six months I found out i was pregnant in which I didn’t even think I could conceive and that’s when things got serious. I realized that he really got me pregnant to trap me and control me I noticed all his ways and was already financially struggling so i opted to get an abortion. He told me that he understood and would support whatever decision I made but then the verbal abuse started he called me a baby killer and really made me feel guilty. Til one day we got into it and the next morning he put me out… all of my things on the curb like a dog… like I hadn’t been helping him, supporting him or paying the rent. I moved on from him on my own and its been a year now but do you know he still contacts me! I have blocked him and no longer have any feelings towards him but he is so obsessed with having that power he wont back down…he recently wrote me a long email about his love for me etc. I didn’t respond…but I am beginning to see the damage all of this has caused me mentally. Yes, i have moved on you do what you have to do, I HAVE to work and pay bills to keep a roof over my head but that doesn’t mean I have healed on the inside. I don’t want to play victim the rest of my life FOR the record I hate pity parties and do not like ppl feeling sorry for me I know i played my role and could have made better choices. But at 26 years old no children, hard working independent young woman I want to be in  a happy loving relationship one day and a family of my own. The first step was moving away from my family which gave me the liberty of freedom and a peace of mind. Allowed me to see things more clearly. But I also went through that hell with him and now that Im gone I see the same things going on. Sadly I rarely even here from my dad and whenever I do he has all this stuff to say about my brother and because I stood up to him and didn’t want any part of that he hung up the phone on me. smh. So now I highly doubt he has any intentions of changing. I just want to know what to do to heal!How long does it take a person heal from this type of situations?? Begin to trust again and not attract the same type of losers who take my kindness for weakness and use my vulnerability against me. Take me serious as a woman and not some little girl. So many thoughts running through my mind.At this point i may be ranting but today has been a rough one for me with it being mothers day and all. Emotionally I AM drained but i still manage to get up everyday and try to put a smile on others faces at work and do my job, handle my business. What a life right? I just know my purpose is for more than this Im tired of settling, tired of being hurt and tired of feeling like I’m in the middle of no where again. I don’t even really know where to start. I just know I want a better life and im not happy with the one I have now. Some days are better than others. And now I have a man in my life who I feel like is just leading me on he doesn’t really have intention to be in relationship with me so its like deja vu. But I feel stupid because I should of never given him a chance to begin with, I just got lonely and wanted some company. Now im having a hard time turning him loose but I know that I will have to because its clear I have not healed completely and he is not the one for me I am blinded right now. Anything that makes you feel better will look like gold when your you’ve been groomed to accept trash. God i just need prayer. I really do. Has anybody experienced anything like this… How long did it take you to become at peace.? Thanks for listening.