May 14, 2018 at 12:52 am #207161
I’ve always had an idea as to what a narcissist is but for some reason I never correlated those traits to my father. I just always knew that I had things rough at home and there was a lot of dysfunction, even to this very day there are the same patterns and issues going on. I just recently discovered as I have been doing research on these behaviors and trying to better understand myself that my dad is in fact a narcissist. He has been mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive to my family pretty much my whole life. Don’t get me wrong he has his good sides and moments but when things don’t go his way or someone doesn’t agree or do something to his liking the whole world is to pay. He has never been much a listener always in need of the last word and never properly disciplined his kids because he was busy being one himself. Obsessing over his computer, his phone, dvds or the latest technology instead of getting to know his children and spend quality time with us. The type to buy take out every day and wait on my mother to buy groceries or cook. Hes a functioning alcoholic to top it off! I remember living in at home my brother mom him and I and there being a temper tantrum almost every day, if not every other…literally…breaking dishes, punching holes in the walls, just tearing up the place, yelling at the top of his lungs, cursing God and himself saying no one gave a f*** about him etc. Blaming my mom for how she raised us or angry with her about something she did he didn’t agree with. When we were forced to leave that house on account of foreclosure because he stopped helping my mother pay the bills out of pay back and envy of her relationship with my brother, we left with all of the doors off the hinges in the house because of his behavior over the years. As I think about these things i come to the realization that i was never truly loved as a child. And even as an adult I am still not loved or respected. My privacy was invaded and i grew to hate him. i CAN COUNT one hand how many times he has told me hes proud of me or told me im beautiful. Im not so sure I have completely forgiven him but I have learned that those are his ways and how to deal with him which is bare minimum and on my terms. My mother and I have a pretty good relationship but I honestly wish that she would move on from him, but after all these years I don’t think she will she is too consumed with him and the toxicity. Shes pretty much taken on the role of the doormat in the scenario. Always loving, understanding and giving him the benefit of the doubt no matter what, “til death do part” literally. The reason why this hit me hard today is because i realized that I turned into my mom and began dating men like my father without even knowing!!! My ex boyfriend was a narcissist JUST LIKE HIM!! How could I have not known?! All loving and sweet one moment and then belittling and carrying on like a mad man the next it was too much. We dated six months I found out i was pregnant in which I didn’t even think I could conceive and that’s when things got serious. I realized that he really got me pregnant to trap me and control me I noticed all his ways and was already financially struggling so i opted to get an abortion. He told me that he understood and would support whatever decision I made but then the verbal abuse started he called me a baby killer and really made me feel guilty. Til one day we got into it and the next morning he put me out… all of my things on the curb like a dog… like I hadn’t been helping him, supporting him or paying the rent. I moved on from him on my own and its been a year now but do you know he still contacts me! I have blocked him and no longer have any feelings towards him but he is so obsessed with having that power he wont back down…he recently wrote me a long email about his love for me etc. I didn’t respond…but I am beginning to see the damage all of this has caused me mentally. Yes, i have moved on you do what you have to do, I HAVE to work and pay bills to keep a roof over my head but that doesn’t mean I have healed on the inside. I don’t want to play victim the rest of my life FOR the record I hate pity parties and do not like ppl feeling sorry for me I know i played my role and could have made better choices. But at 26 years old no children, hard working independent young woman I want to be in a happy loving relationship one day and a family of my own. The first step was moving away from my family which gave me the liberty of freedom and a peace of mind. Allowed me to see things more clearly. But I also went through that hell with him and now that Im gone I see the same things going on. Sadly I rarely even here from my dad and whenever I do he has all this stuff to say about my brother and because I stood up to him and didn’t want any part of that he hung up the phone on me. smh. So now I highly doubt he has any intentions of changing. I just want to know what to do to heal!How long does it take a person heal from this type of situations?? Begin to trust again and not attract the same type of losers who take my kindness for weakness and use my vulnerability against me. Take me serious as a woman and not some little girl. So many thoughts running through my mind.At this point i may be ranting but today has been a rough one for me with it being mothers day and all. Emotionally I AM drained but i still manage to get up everyday and try to put a smile on others faces at work and do my job, handle my business. What a life right? I just know my purpose is for more than this Im tired of settling, tired of being hurt and tired of feeling like I’m in the middle of no where again. I don’t even really know where to start. I just know I want a better life and im not happy with the one I have now. Some days are better than others. And now I have a man in my life who I feel like is just leading me on he doesn’t really have intention to be in relationship with me so its like deja vu. But I feel stupid because I should of never given him a chance to begin with, I just got lonely and wanted some company. Now im having a hard time turning him loose but I know that I will have to because its clear I have not healed completely and he is not the one for me I am blinded right now. Anything that makes you feel better will look like gold when your you’ve been groomed to accept trash. God i just need prayer. I really do. Has anybody experienced anything like this… How long did it take you to become at peace.? Thanks for listening.May 14, 2018 at 5:00 am #207197
You wrote about your father: “he stopped helping my mother pay the bills out of pay back and envy of her relationship with my brother”- what relationship did or does your mother have with your brother?
anitaMay 14, 2018 at 5:32 am #207201
None out of the norm… hes jealous of him because he felt like my mother puts my brother before him and babies him.She did do alot for him just wanting him to get his life together but Mind you my brother is now an adult working with a child of his own taking care of himself an takes good care of his child but my father STILL feels the same way an brings up things from the past.May 14, 2018 at 5:35 am #207203
I feel like he hates the fact their relationship because he doesnot have one with him due to him always pushing us away. Not being able to trust… who talks down on their kids behind their back and then smiles in their face like everything is ok that sends mixed signals. He never addresses things himself he wants other to do his dirty work an play victim role afterMay 14, 2018 at 6:14 am #207207
You wrote about your father: “when things don’t go his way or someone doesn’t agree or do something to his liking the whole world is to pay…He has never been much of a listener always in need of the last word… obsessing over his computer, his phone, dvds… a functioning alcoholic… temper tantrums.. breaking dishes… yelling at the top of his lungs.. cursing God and himself saying no one gave a f*** about him… Blaming my mom for how she raised us or angry with her… envy of her relationship with my brother…jealous of him because he felt like my mother puts my brother before him and babies him… Not being able to trust… talks down on his kids behind their back and then smiles in their face like everything is ok”
What I see is an angry boy still stuck in his childhood (often the case, being stuck there). He didn’t feel attended to nd loved as a child so he is jealous as an adult of his own son being attended to and loved. He was an angry boy, he is an angry man. He threw temper tantrums then, the throws temper tantrums now. He didn’t trust his parents (understandably, I am sure), he doesn’t trust his wife and his children. He faked it as a child, nice to his parents in their presence, angry at them otherwise and he still does the same, nice to his kids in their presence, angrily talks about them outside their presence.
Basically, the child in a man’s body, troubled by the voices in his head telling him he is unloved and unlovable, the voices telling him that if someone disagrees with him, it means he is wrong and unlovable. Distressed over it he fights the voices, that is, he fights the people into whom he projects these voices.
Your mother, “the doormat in the scenario. Always loving, understanding and giving him the benefit of the doubt no matter what”- he is still the child who needs his parents’ love and understanding. Your mother’s love and understanding doesn’t sink in. He is not available for it.
And your mother doesn’t realize it, does she.
Do you think I am understanding correctly so far?
anitaMay 14, 2018 at 8:07 am #207219
Yes you are absolutely correct. That is what he would say at times about my grandmother how she was a drunk and neglected him. it may hold some truth but my grandmother is like the sweetest woman in the world an his only brotherand sibling who was ten years older Is now deceased (16 years now) i think he felt that he took relevance over him in his childhood. Like my uncle was the better man in which I know he was.
And yes my mother is in denial. She knows what’s going on she complains but she stays and stays. And I believe feels even more compelled to because my grandfather is gone it is just him and my grandmother an she takes on the role of nurse for his mom. She does more for her than him in actuality. That isn’t my business but I fear when the day comes she’s no longer here it may be a wake up call but on the other hand he may never really truly appreciate his wife/mom or his family. As you say it’s like to fill a void for A moment but he holds so much resentment so it cannot be genuine.May 14, 2018 at 8:11 am #207221
I believe she is just staying true to her vows she doesn’t see a way out. It would only be over if he says so he dictates so much in their relationship even when things are going right he manages to see wrong if from years awhich prevents progressMay 14, 2018 at 8:46 am #207231
You wrote that your father’s mother is “the sweetest woman in the world”, and you wrote: “I fear when the day comes she’s no longer here it may be a wake up call”- do you mean that you hope your father will wake up from his wrong understanding of his mother, that she is and has been the sweetest woman (and mother) in the world and not a drunk mother who neglected him when he was a child?
anitaMay 14, 2018 at 9:52 am #207247
yes i do. I also said realize who he has in his life now. it’s not fair that we should all suffer at his will ya know. I’m not saying my grandma was perfect but I definitely know she and my grandfather loved him and did their best to raise him into a descent man. But my family members outside of immediate all say he is spoiled. I believe that to be true as well, my grandma said clearly that she didn’t want him living at her house because she was fearful of his behavior and he stayed there against her will. this happened after our house was foreclosed on. He tried to get me put out on the street because he was unaware when he put me out of home I was staying with her helping her. When he found out he was heated an wanted me gone now he is living there with my grandma an my mom lives in her monthers house who is now deceased but she is there at my grandma’s house more than anything to take care of her. My brother lives with his child’s mom’s family for the most part but he STILL comes back there periodically for breaks and he gets a attitude saying “he doesn’t pay rent” or contribute as if he does himself let alone is it his house! I don’t get it it is as if it was his back up all along for him and us to fend for ourselves.May 14, 2018 at 10:15 am #207257
Your father is and has been troubled since childhood. He has been and is abusive to you, to your brother and to your mother. It is a great shame and I wish it wasn’t so.
I believe that it is not true that his mother was a good mother to him, that “she and (your) grandfather loved him and did their best to raise him into a decent man”. I believe these are not true because I don’t believe a baby is born bad, that a young child is bad. I think a young child wants nothing more than to please his parents, nothing more than to be good.
Often parents are the sweetest people in the world to strangers, but not to their children.
What is next, for you?
May 14, 2018 at 4:57 pm #207383
- This reply was modified 7 months ago by anita.
Honestly I am still trying to figure that out. Which way I am heading I don’t know. Still have yet to find out where I truly belong in life and how to cope with things and accept them for what they are. Just taking it a day at a time. Trying to stay positive but i have been depressed lately.May 15, 2018 at 3:07 am #207411
Regarding your parents: if your mother believed your father when he complained about his mother neglecting and mistreating him, there may have been a meeting-of-the-minds-and-hearts between then, and maybe, maybe there would be less anger on your father’s part. He may have gone through his whole life not being believed, that he was mistreated as a child, and this is the anger that keeps emerging.
I think it angered and angers your father that your mother took and takes such good care of his mother, the woman who mistreated him badly. The most loving thing your mother could have done for him was to take his side in the conflict with his mother, a conflict that is ongoing still.
He was a good boy, accused of being bad and he proceeded to become a bad father.
Which brings me back to you: having grown up with a bad, abusive father. And with a mother who didn’t take his side on the matter that… matters most to him, here you are, 26, living away from them, independently (good!), having an unsatisfactory relationship with a man (first thread).
Are you considering ending that relationship?
anitaMay 15, 2018 at 4:25 am #207423
<p style=”text-align: left;”>But see I’m not saying my mother didn’t hear him out about his childhood. That’s an issue I would have to ask. But i will say at 50 plus years later that is still NO excuse. Also my mother became part of the picture in helping my grandma because my other family members stopped coming around to check on her ( they don’t want to be around him) and simply because my dad is pure LAZY. His obsession with tv and movies has only continued he does feed her but bathing her changing her and all necessary essentials my mom is the consistent one on the matter.Otherwise he can’t do it alone. He claims he love his mom that’s all he has etc but I don’t trust him. I feel like he’s doing it because he has no other choice to now. But that is interesting you said that i never looked at it that way but i highly doubt he resents her for that because he asks for her help. He acts helpless so she can do everything.When i lived there with my grandmother(after he put me out) it took him months to visit her which is why he didnt even know i was there and when he finally did it was because of turmoil at home and he had no where to go so that just let’s you know how he is. He is all for self.</p>
As for me i really am just confused. I been on a emotional rollercoaster. I care about the man I’m involved with he treats me good respects me etc but he has alot going on in his life. And honestly I question what TRUE Love is because I’ve never had it from the male figure I needed it from. All the guys I have been with have hurt me so I’m apprehensive scared to commit to something that could turn out for the worse. My feelings are up and down deep… down I know that he loves me an cares for me but im harboring fear of rejection and lack of trust insecurity an those things make me want to pull away. Make me question his love even when it’s unlike the way I’ve been treated before(in a good way). I recently just stopped responding to him yesterday just to clear my head and figure out what I want and he has been texting me throughout the whole day concerned if I’m alright even at 4 in the morning saying he hasnt heard from me etc so I know that he cares about me l… just need to figure out what I want and deal with my own issues first I think.May 15, 2018 at 5:03 am #207427
April 15, exactly a month ago, you wrote about your relationship with this man: “That’s exactly how I feel like I’m not existent… less than. Like I’m not important, interesting or good enough to know on a deeper level.. And I can’t go on pretending like that doesn’t bother me when it really does… (I am) just some one to come along for the ride. That’s unacceptable and belittling to say the least. I know what I need to do now”-
What was it that you knew you needed to do and why didn’t you do it?
anitaMay 15, 2018 at 9:25 pm #207543
I felt like what I needed to do was free myself from him and no longer be involved. I did try to cut things off with him and explained to him why I felt the way I did and he immediately came to see me. Took me out to lunch and we talked. We recently went out to the movie as well…When things are good they are good…They just aren’t great because I don’t open up like I could… and I don’t know I fear that maybe Im going to lose him to his kids mother because she still wants to be with him. So its like a guard is still there on my end to protect myself. Sometimes I feel like its too good to be true in a sense and don’t know what to believe.