Hi Budhha88,

My story is similar to yours, just less complicated. At the start she was all crazy about me, telling everyone about how good match we are and other BS. Then, she slowly start drifting from a girl who wants to be in relationship to a girl who wants to party and meet new guys. However, because I was so in love with her, I put aside my wants/needs and continued to accommodate her wants and needs. I ignored my gut feeling and inflicted harm on my self esteem.

After reflecting upon it with counselor, I realized that she manipulated me for her personal gains and then left like that I never existed in her life.

The biggest sign that you can find in NPD or manipulative person is that they have NO EMPATHY towards their victim. Normal people usually feel hurt and sad after breakup. But manipulative people or NPD have no empathy at all, no matter how old the relationship was.

With regards to coping, you need to understand that figuring out whether she was or wasn’t NPD isn’t going to help. In fact, it made it worse in my situation and that’s why I stopped going to counselor. The best thing to do is recognize your grief and pain, and instead of running from it, you dive in. With time acceptance and letting go will come and then you can work on forgiveness. Do not hesitate to cry or do no feel that you are weak. It takes courage to face your difficult emotions. I am still struggling with acceptance and letting go of my strong love for her after 3 months of break up.

Dear buddha88:

Your ex girlfriend was not born with a disorder: NPD. There is no gene with “NPD” on it. NPD like most mental diagnoses is a collection of symptoms, a collection put together by doctors, so to make therapy easier, as well as charge insurance company (they have to come up with a diagnosis so to put a dollar value to it).

And so, I agree with (one more of The Best of) Inky.

Your ex girlfriend’s behavior seems to be based on mental un- wellness and manipulation. She behaved at first loving and accommodating not because she loved you, but because she wanted you to love her. Once she accomplished her goal, she dropped the strategy of acting in loving and accommodating ways, and in so doing, her mental un-wellness was free to be seen (by you).

Lots and lots of people do this very manipulation. You have to be aware of it, examine people’s motivations. I used to be fascinated by diagnoses as well, as if there are answers in the label. Now I understand that true understanding is in seeing the basics of human behaviors.

anita

Dear buddha88:

There is something you can do to help suffering people who are also manipulative and not taking responsibility for their choices and actions: you allow them to experience the natural and reasonable consequences of their choices and actions.

It is people’s mistaken belief that they need to protect a person from consequences for his/ her actions. If a person abuses you, you end the relationship: this is a consequence. IF you continue the relationship, trying to please the abuser, you enforce their illness as well as making yourself ill.

Regarding her mother: her mother may have plead her daughter’s innocence when in conflict with other people, but when it came to conflict with herself, she (the mother) may not have been so “pampering.”

I am glad you started this thread, buddha88. Post anytime here or on a new thread.

anita

My father has NPD. Needless to say my childhood was a rocky, painful experience. I always knew something wasn’t quite right with him but I didn’t look into his condition until I was 18 and out of the house. The more I read about NPD the more sense I was able make of my childhood. The symptoms that go with it include depression, major mood changes, extreme fits of rage. It was almost as if he had different personalities depending on the day. I never knew what being around him would be like so naturally I didn’t trust him. I dreaded going home because he was emotionally abusive and degraded my sisters, my mother and I. There were days when he was easygoing and fun to be around but he was never a good father and this was the hardest aspect for me to accept. I’m 21 now and I’ve come a long way but I still have attachment issues. They reveal themselves every time I become romantically involved with someone and I get so worried that they’re going to leave me and that they don’t really care for me, so they leave. My advice when it comes to dealing with people with NPD is no contact. The only way they will get better is if the seek help themselves but this is highly unlikely…:(

Thanks Anita! I plan to do so when i have the time