Anita,

Thank you so much for answering. I needed to have a somewhat neutral person weigh in on this and I’m glad you did. I read your message an hour ago, but I am about to reread it again. I feel hopeless and helpless, and sometimes reverting to my buddhist practice makes me feel selfish, because it certainly is calming my mind, and making me grateful to be alive, but that is juxtaposed to the suffering of my partner. I have witnessed abuse in many different family configurations and it seems like many people have pointed this out to them. While my partner views her mother as a victim, it’s hard for her to realize that she is human, and by passively ignoring or rationalizing her husband’s behavior, she too is contributing to her daughter’s never-ending trauma. She now claims that the message I sent the abusive father addressing this was “aggressive” and stressed her to the point of bringing it to her therapist. Her father claims that his daughter “doesn’t even want to know what the therapist had to say about the message.” It feels pointless to go forward, because it is their word against mine. My partner is urging me to stay, but I am at a crossroads and wonder if staying in this relationship only makes the situation worse.

My goal is to minimize the suffering by the means available to me.

Thank you,

I am going to consider these variables and ask her if she is willing to do that work. She did move 4 hours away to be away from her father so maybe I can help her realize that this much needed space is an extension of that original intention to move. The only reason she started visiting again was because I encouraged her to have a stronger relationship with her family. I lost both of my parents to early deaths, and seeing her struggle made me want to encourage her to cherish them while they are here, but it should never be at the expense of a woman’s respect. It is truly heartbreaking seeing the way he treats women. I shudder to think about having a daughter and having her witness that and having it be rationalized and normalized.

Anita,

I can’t agree with you more; you are 100% correct. I should have never encouraged her to restore her relationship with her father. It’s ironic that this is the thing he is accusing me of NOT doing. I regret it wholeheartedly, and although she felt as though he was making breakthroughs for about a year or two and they were starting to get along, it’s clear to me now that I shouldn’t have encouraged it to go further. It is obviously way too much, too soon.

She has agreed to reconnect with her old therapist who had great insights about her parental relationships. She is also going to ask to attend therapy with her mother to address this further. I actually quoted what you said, which a lot of my support network has reaffirmed:

“there is no hope for your partner to heal (unless she is very motivated over a long, long time, willing to cut contact with her father, attends serious, quality psychotherapy and do the ton of work required), and there is nothing you can do to help her. After all, you tried and failed”

You are really on point about this. She says she is willing to do the work and I want to give her the chance to do so. But I am also mindful that this may be the last effort to make this work. Thank you for giving me the clarity I need to get through this time. I’m gently returning to a peaceful state now. Couldn’t be more thankful for my own dedication to a spiritual practice.

I hope you are well Anita, thank you. I appreciate you.