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Navigating Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Partner's Parents

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #155780
    drinkmorewater
    Participant

    My partner’s father has been emotionally and verbally abusive for the majority of their experience. The therapists of her mother, sister, and herself have all affirmed this. Her friends were terrified of coming to her house growing up for fear of his hours of ranting and being trapped by him. In my time being with her, I’ve witnessed him publicly berate his wife to tears, rant at his daughters for hours, and attempt to do a milder version of these things to me. I am a male of slightly larger physical stature than him, for which I assume his verbal and emotional assaults with me tend to be milder. I stood up to him this weekend in the most respectful way possible. I informed him that we needed to mutually respect each other’s boundaries. I have done everything to avoid conflict with him in the last year and a half; I drive 4 hours with his daughter to help them move, or any type of heavy lifting that he may not be able to do, I let him talk for hours, I standby patiently while he berates the women in his family with the intention of allowing them to stand up for themselves.

    I can no longer standby and allow this type of abuse to continue. He now states that I am trying to take his daughter away (she disagrees and stands by my side, maintaining that if anything, I’ve motivated her to spend more time with family) and that I AM the one that is verbally and emotionally abusive (a claim that he cannot provide any type of anecdotal evidence to support, outside of my removal of myself when he begins to become hostile).

    I don’t want to ask who is right or wrong. He is a human, with his own story; his own pain bodies….. How do I support my partner, her family, and myself? I love this woman and am devoted to sharing my life with her.

    #155792
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear marv:

    You wrote that you “don’t want to ask who is right or wrong”- why not? Being “emotionally and verbally abusive” is wrong, and it is easy to determine that, took me less than a split second.

    How do you navigate such abuse? Avoid it, stay away from it. Have no contact. No other way.

    His daughter doesn’t owe him to be present for his rantings and abuse. You don’t owe him to be present for it yourself or to facilitate your partner’s presence for his abuse.

    Her father is remorseless, expressed no intention (or motivation) to stop his abuse, has he? He feels justified and his MO is to blame others for his distress. Blaming others means he is not taking responsibility for his distress and is not motivated to look into his thinking and his behavior.

    Again, navigate by staying away, avoiding contact. Protect yourself, your partner and especially any future innocent lives (children) from being exposed to this heavy duty abuse.

    anita

    #155814
    drinkmorewater
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you so much for answering. I needed to have a somewhat neutral person weigh in on this and I’m glad you did. I read your message an hour ago, but I am about to reread it again. I feel hopeless and helpless, and sometimes reverting to my buddhist practice makes me feel selfish, because it certainly is calming my mind, and making me grateful to be alive, but that is juxtaposed to the suffering of my partner. I have witnessed abuse in many different family configurations and it seems like many people have pointed this out to them. While my partner views her mother as a victim, it’s hard for her to realize that she is human, and by passively ignoring or rationalizing her husband’s behavior, she too is contributing to her daughter’s never-ending trauma. She now claims that the message I sent the abusive father addressing this was “aggressive” and stressed her to the point of bringing it to her therapist. Her father claims that his daughter “doesn’t even want to know what the therapist had to say about the message.” It feels pointless to go forward, because it is their word against mine. My partner is urging me to stay, but I am at a crossroads and wonder if staying in this relationship only makes the situation worse.

    My goal is to minimize the suffering by the means available to me.

    #155820
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear marv:

    You have witnessed yourself the father ranting and berating his daughters for hours, that includes your partner, his daughter. You asserted yourself with her father, appropriately reads to me. You didn’t physically hit him, you didn’t call him names, you didn’t yell at him, you didn’t break things or destroyed property, correct? If so, you were not aggressive.

    It is common for an abused child (and adult child) to view the aggressive parent as a victim and to feel empathy for the aggressor. It is the way a child survives such trauma, seeing the aggressor in the best possible light so to feel safer. She may have complained about his aggression many times but at the same time, in between the complaints, she felt empathy for him.

    If you stay in this relationship, I believe that you will continue to feel “hopeless and helpless’- because there is no hope for your partner to heal (unless she is very motivated over a long, long time, willing to cut contact with her father, attends serious, quality psychotherapy and do the ton of work required), and there is nothing you can do to help her. After all, you tried and failed.

    If a relationship is in reality, a situation of hopelessness and helplessness, as this relationship is, it is detrimental to your mental health. What results from a situation like that is that she doesn’t get better and you get worse.

    I would end it as soon as possible.

    anita

    #155822
    drinkmorewater
    Participant

    Thank you,

    I am going to consider these variables and ask her if she is willing to do that work. She did move 4 hours away to be away from her father so maybe I can help her realize that this much needed space is an extension of that original intention to move. The only reason she started visiting again was because I encouraged her to have a stronger relationship with her family. I lost both of my parents to early deaths, and seeing her struggle made me want to encourage her to cherish them while they are here, but it should never be at the expense of a woman’s respect. It is truly heartbreaking seeing the way he treats women. I shudder to think about having a daughter and having her witness that and having it be rationalized and normalized.

    #155836
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear marv:

    I strongly believe that it was the wrong choice, on your part, to encourage her to cherish an abusive father, to start visiting him again. You based your choice on your life experience, not on hers (an inaccurate projection on your part). You acted against her well being. And so, perhaps you should be more accommodating to her, at this point, apologizing to her for having encouraged her to do what is harmful to her, and correcting your own behavior: encourage her now to protect herself from abuse, keep all the distance that needs to be kept.

    anita

    #155856
    drinkmorewater
    Participant

    Anita,

    I can’t agree with you more; you are 100% correct. I should have never encouraged her to restore her relationship with her father. It’s ironic that this is the thing he is accusing me of NOT doing. I regret it wholeheartedly, and although she felt as though he was making breakthroughs for about a year or two and they were starting to get along, it’s clear to me now that I shouldn’t have encouraged it to go further. It is obviously way too much, too soon.

    She has agreed to reconnect with her old therapist who had great insights about her parental relationships. She is also going to ask to attend therapy with her mother to address this further. I actually quoted what you said, which a lot of my support network has reaffirmed:

    “there is no hope for your partner to heal (unless she is very motivated over a long, long time, willing to cut contact with her father, attends serious, quality psychotherapy and do the ton of work required), and there is nothing you can do to help her. After all, you tried and failed”

    You are really on point about this. She says she is willing to do the work and I want to give her the chance to do so. But I am also mindful that this may be the last effort to make this work. Thank you for giving me the clarity I need to get through this time. I’m gently returning to a peaceful state now. Couldn’t be more thankful for my own dedication to a spiritual practice.

    I hope you are well Anita, thank you. I appreciate you.

    #155906
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear marv:

    You are very welcome and thank you for your words of appreciation. I hope you continue forevermore your position against abuse. In efforts to reduce others’ sufferings, support distance between abuser and abused, so that the abuser does not have access to the abused. It is not realistic to expect an adult child who was abused by a parent as a child, to stand up to him as an adult. The abused needs protection first (distance/ no contact), before healing can be attempted.

    Best wishes to you, post again, anytime it may help.

    anita

    #156330
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Marv,

    I hope that as you read this, your heart and soul will have embraced much needed clarity in working through this. When you are clear, present, and focused you can see more clearly and fully appreciate what it is you must do find more balance in what is disturbing your life.

    When you said, “My goal is to minimize the suffering by the means available to me.” I like to associate myself with the belief that the suffering that needs to be minimized is the suffering you are enduring, first. When we take on the drama of others as our responsibility to take care of, we tend to ignore our well being. The sort of drama that you are going through and taking on the responsibility of fixing that dramas a negative impact on ourselves. When Anita said, “How do you navigate such abuse? Avoid it, stay away from it. Have no contact. No other way.” this is what must be done as a first step. People whose comfort zone is characterized by abuse, as your post appears to me, will continue to live in that house. Not tolerating abuse in any way, shape, or form, from ANYBODY, is not acceptable. Abuse is, another form of psychological warfare, it is assault. The rules have changed today my friend. My advise my friend is you take care of you first, and NEVER, EVER tolerate abuse from anyone.

    By best regards,

    Pearce

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