I honestly have been putting this off for a really long time dealing with family dynamics.
I just don’t know where to start and how to address them all
For context – My aunt and my mom has been my go to family for most of my life. They both come from extreme traumatic life experiences — they’ve witnessed their mom take her life, her sister and her dad; domestic violence with partners and distant families/relatives. Which I know they never really got to grow up having good role models & had to fend for life most of their 20s & 30s. Today, they both have secured lifestyles — roof over their head, jobs that they keep them afloat, community that they can go share their lives with and friends they can rely on. However, their toxic past keeps showing up in ways that now I am trying to make sense of it all. I hear it from everyone — their friends, their acquaintances, their ‘once upon a time’ partners and now gone because it is was too much to handle. They both have found a way to move on with their lives choosing lifestyles like keeping themselves overly occupied, having 12-14 hours working/movement days calling it ‘productive’ until to a point they’ve exhausted their lives & can go to SLEEP thinking they were productive by keeping their bodies in motion (*eye rolling hard*); OCD behaviours with excessive cleaning / decluttering with things and their souls / minds. Anyways, now they both are going through perimenopause which makes everything that much more harder…already leading a very surface level lives but now we have something to blame as to why this is not working, or why they are constantly exhausted but won’t give up when their body’s trying to indicate ‘STOP & REST’

2 days ago, I invited them over to my place that I’ve moved into with my partner. it’s been 8 months since we’ved moved and it’s our first move from paternal homes. Yes, it’s taken us both long time to make it home, let alone hosting. As they walk in the door, my aunt looked very upset and disinterested that she is invited. Now a bit of a disclaimer, My partner and I are thinking of moving of our current home and into a space that I own with my mom. We’ve had some issues in the past where one of their (My mom and aunt’s) partners tried to screw us over for wealth during a divorce and almost lost everything. Now, my aunt is upset at the fact that we haven’t disclosed to her that my partner and I are thinking of moving into the space… I understand where she is coming from but I am more practical and well versed in all of that to be able to secure ourselves from all angles. Now she is carrying this on her all this long and not communicating with me why she is upset and why she can’t think to pull me aside & have a chat about it. She is so offended that I did not share with her, something that she considers ‘life changing decision’ and apprehended that I did not care to share with her or have a word about with her which triggered her and put her in a spot that I am ridiculous of a person. What I don’t understand is, why would she not choose to come have a word with me that this is a big decision (according to her) and that it deserves to be talked about with your elders (i.e., anybody older to me, irrespective of them being senseful or not) and shared and explored options.

Fast forward, she has since been getting mad over trivial issues and going off at me for absolute reason and I am too aware but yet feel dejected for not being heard and have been avoiding entirely. This includes my mom who is only trying to blow off steam on the surface level but is completely avoiding or denying the fact that she is an enabler to many things that my aunt (her sister) does because it is easy and less chaotic / toxic.

I have just given up hope is making them understand as how toxic it is to be around them let alone have deep discussions addressing the past and acknowledging that what was experienced is unfair but is necessary to deal with and embrace that, otherwise it will continue to show up in many ways that is regretful

I just don’t know how to navigate this phase of my life where the issues are becoming evident as they continue to grow and I am feeling distant and less engaging in their lives when I should be available for both them during this tough time of their womanhood. I would love some guidance and how to go through this in phases and learning to commit to this process and not runway from it because I tend to do that a lot.

Thank you again and sorry for going off in tangents

Bella