- This topic has 3 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 1 day ago by
Alessa.
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May 9, 2025 at 10:32 am #445517
bella0214
ParticipantI honestly have been putting this off for a really long time dealing with family dynamics.
I just don’t know where to start and how to address them all
For context – My aunt and my mom has been my go to family for most of my life. They both come from extreme traumatic life experiences — they’ve witnessed their mom take her life, her sister and her dad; domestic violence with partners and distant families/relatives. Which I know they never really got to grow up having good role models & had to fend for life most of their 20s & 30s. Today, they both have secured lifestyles — roof over their head, jobs that they keep them afloat, community that they can go share their lives with and friends they can rely on. However, their toxic past keeps showing up in ways that now I am trying to make sense of it all. I hear it from everyone — their friends, their acquaintances, their ‘once upon a time’ partners and now gone because it is was too much to handle. They both have found a way to move on with their lives choosing lifestyles like keeping themselves overly occupied, having 12-14 hours working/movement days calling it ‘productive’ until to a point they’ve exhausted their lives & can go to SLEEP thinking they were productive by keeping their bodies in motion (*eye rolling hard*); OCD behaviours with excessive cleaning / decluttering with things and their souls / minds. Anyways, now they both are going through perimenopause which makes everything that much more harder…already leading a very surface level lives but now we have something to blame as to why this is not working, or why they are constantly exhausted but won’t give up when their body’s trying to indicate ‘STOP & REST’2 days ago, I invited them over to my place that I’ve moved into with my partner. it’s been 8 months since we’ved moved and it’s our first move from paternal homes. Yes, it’s taken us both long time to make it home, let alone hosting. As they walk in the door, my aunt looked very upset and disinterested that she is invited. Now a bit of a disclaimer, My partner and I are thinking of moving of our current home and into a space that I own with my mom. We’ve had some issues in the past where one of their (My mom and aunt’s) partners tried to screw us over for wealth during a divorce and almost lost everything. Now, my aunt is upset at the fact that we haven’t disclosed to her that my partner and I are thinking of moving into the space… I understand where she is coming from but I am more practical and well versed in all of that to be able to secure ourselves from all angles. Now she is carrying this on her all this long and not communicating with me why she is upset and why she can’t think to pull me aside & have a chat about it. She is so offended that I did not share with her, something that she considers ‘life changing decision’ and apprehended that I did not care to share with her or have a word about with her which triggered her and put her in a spot that I am ridiculous of a person. What I don’t understand is, why would she not choose to come have a word with me that this is a big decision (according to her) and that it deserves to be talked about with your elders (i.e., anybody older to me, irrespective of them being senseful or not) and shared and explored options.
Fast forward, she has since been getting mad over trivial issues and going off at me for absolute reason and I am too aware but yet feel dejected for not being heard and have been avoiding entirely. This includes my mom who is only trying to blow off steam on the surface level but is completely avoiding or denying the fact that she is an enabler to many things that my aunt (her sister) does because it is easy and less chaotic / toxic.
I have just given up hope is making them understand as how toxic it is to be around them let alone have deep discussions addressing the past and acknowledging that what was experienced is unfair but is necessary to deal with and embrace that, otherwise it will continue to show up in many ways that is regretful
I just don’t know how to navigate this phase of my life where the issues are becoming evident as they continue to grow and I am feeling distant and less engaging in their lives when I should be available for both them during this tough time of their womanhood. I would love some guidance and how to go through this in phases and learning to commit to this process and not runway from it because I tend to do that a lot.
Thank you again and sorry for going off in tangents
Bella
May 9, 2025 at 4:10 pm #445524anita
ParticipantDear Bella:
I am looking forward to read your post and reply Sat morning (it is Fri afternoon here).
Anita
May 10, 2025 at 9:30 am #445546anita
ParticipantDear Bella:
As I read your post for the first time this morning, I’ll take this approach: I’ll read a sentence or a few at a time, respond to them, then move on to the next set—without knowing what comes next in your post. I’m guessing this will end up being a long response, and I hope you take your time with it.
“I honestly have been putting this off for a really long time dealing with family dynamics.” – We tend to put off things that make us anxious or uncomfortable.
“I just don’t know where to start and how to address them all.” – You’ve been dealing with a lot of family dynamics for a long time, and it makes sense that untangling them feels overwhelming.
“For context – My aunt and my mom has been my go-to family for most of my life. They both come from extreme traumatic life experiences — they’ve witnessed their mom take her life… their toxic past keeps showing up in ways that now I am trying to make sense of it all.”-
It’s interesting that you said, “My aunt and my mom has been,” instead of “have been.” Maybe it’s just a typo, but it could also suggest you see them as one unit rather than two separate people.
There’s no doubt that witnessing their mother take her life was deeply traumatic.
“I hear it from everyone… They both have found a way to move on with their lives choosing lifestyles like keeping themselves overly occupied, having 12-14 hours… they are constantly exhausted but won’t give up when their body’s trying to indicate ‘STOP & REST’.”-
“They both” – Again, this makes it sound like they are almost the same person. I wonder how they interact with each other—whether they are each other’s best friend—but I’m guessing they aren’t emotionally open with one another.
It seems like they’ve built a habit of staying constantly busy. For them, stopping to rest might feel uncomfortable, even scary.
“2 days ago, I invited them over to my place… my aunt looked very upset… What I don’t understand is, why would she not choose to come have a word with me… and shared and explored options.”-
Your aunt tends to hold in her emotions for a long time before finally expressing them in indirect ways. She never learned to communicate her thoughts and feelings clearly and directly. Some people grow up in environments where expressing emotions is discouraged, leading them to suppress their feelings instead.
When a child’s emotions are regularly dismissed, ignored, or minimized, they may come to believe that expressing themselves is pointless or unwelcome. In a chaotic home, keeping emotions inside can feel safer than adding to the existing tension. If a child’s parents struggle with emotional expression, the child doesn’t have the opportunity to learn healthy communication skills.
“Fast forward, she has since been getting mad over trivial issues and going off at me… she is an enabler to many things that my aunt (her sister) does because it is easy and less chaotic / toxic.”-
It seems like your mother avoids confronting her sister because she doesn’t want to deal with conflict or emotional tension. She enables her sister’s behavior because it keeps things smoother in the short term.
This kind of dynamic often happens when one person has a strong or overpowering personality (your aunt?), and others choose to keep the peace rather than challenge them. Your mother may find it easier to go along with things rather than stand up to her sister.
“I have just given up hope in making them understand how toxic it is to be around them, let alone have deep discussions addressing the past and acknowledging that what was experienced is unfair but is necessary to deal with and embrace that, otherwise it will continue to show up in many ways that is regretful.”-
Facing painful memories can be overwhelming, so they might choose to ignore them rather than work through their emotions. Since they’ve spent years suppressing their feelings, it probably feels unnatural—or even impossible—to suddenly start addressing them. They may not even realize how much their past experiences are affecting them.
It seems like your mother and aunt are close, but not in an emotionally open way. Their bond is likely built on shared experiences, family ties, and unspoken understanding rather than direct emotional communication. Their struggles—including financial betrayal—probably strengthened their connection, even if they don’t openly discuss their feelings. Instead of expressing frustrations, they enable each other’s behaviors and avoid certain topics altogether.
Growing up in a chaotic home can deeply shape the relationship between two sisters. Your mother and aunt both witnessed their mother’s passing, which was deeply traumatic. That experience alone likely reinforced their connection—not necessarily through emotional openness, but through unspoken understanding of their shared pain.
In chaotic families, emotions are often seen as burdens rather than something to process. Your mother and aunt may have learned that talking about painful experiences only makes things harder, so they learned to suppress their feelings instead. Over time, they likely developed certain unspoken rules, such as: “We don’t talk about painful things.”, “We keep moving forward, no matter what.”, “We support each other quietly, but we don’t challenge each other.”
Because of this, they may be emotionally close, but not open—meaning they lean on each other when necessary but avoid discussing deeper issues.
In chaotic homes, siblings often fall into specific roles to cope. Based on what you’ve described, your mother might have taken on the role of peacekeeper, choosing avoidance over confrontation to keep things smooth. Meanwhile, your aunt seems to hold onto resentment, expressing it indirectly instead of addressing things head-on. These roles reinforce each other and make emotional communication even harder.
When siblings go through trauma together, their bond can be strong but dysfunctional, such that is missing the emotional openness needed for true healing. This Trauma Bonding could explain why your mother enables her sister’s behavior—rather than challenging her, she supports her in silence, making sure things remain predictable rather than disruptive.
For both of them, their past experiences still shapes how they interact today—not through direct conversations but through quiet support, enabling behaviors, and avoidance of hard truths.
It makes sense that you feel distant from them right now. Their relationship is built on patterns that don’t allow emotional transparency, which affects you as well. If they aren’t willing to address their past or communicate openly, you may never get the deep conversations you hope for. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find peace within yourself—you can focus on protecting your own well-being rather than waiting for them to change.
“I just don’t know how to navigate this phase of my life… I would love some guidance and how to go through this in phases and learning to commit to this process and not run away from it because I tend to do that a lot.”-
It sounds like you’re in a tough spot, torn between wanting to support your mom and aunt while also feeling distant and overwhelmed by growing tensions. The fact that you recognize this and want to commit to working through it is already a big step. Here are my suggestions:
1. Accept what you can and cannot change. You can’t change your aunt or mother, and it’s unlikely you’ll make them acknowledge their past or communicate differently. However, you can change how you respond. Instead of trying to fix them, focus on setting boundaries and protecting your emotional well-being. Prioritize what brings you peace while staying true to yourself.
Letting go of the need for them to acknowledge the past—since that may never happen—can bring you closer to peace of mind.
2. Shift your mindset from ‘Fixing’ to ‘Supporting.’ Support doesn’t mean carrying the weight of their problems or trying to solve them. Sometimes, simply being present, listening, and showing empathy is enough.
You can acknowledge their feelings and offer reassurance without absorbing their stress or trying to control the outcome. This might mean stepping in when they need comfort but stepping back when the conversation becomes draining. Supporting someone doesn’t require sacrificing your own peace—it’s about being there when you can, without feeling obligated to fix what’s beyond your control.
3. Set clear boundaries to protect your well-being. Before engaging, decide in advance how much time and emotional energy you’re willing to invest. This could mean limiting interactions, choosing specific topics to discuss, or stepping back entirely when necessary. If conversations begin to feel toxic or exhausting, give yourself permission to disengage. Protecting your own emotional health isn’t selfish—it’s essential.
I hope this helps..?
“Thank you again and sorry for going off in tangents.”- You are welcome and no need to apologize. I welcome your writing and would love to read more from you!
anita
May 10, 2025 at 12:20 pm #445563Alessa
ParticipantHi Bella
Congratulations on moving into your first home! You clearly have a lot of compassion for your relatives. I think that is a beautiful thing. ❤️
It might be for the best that this happened now, before you are moved in with your mom. I expect that your mom would allow your aunt to visit frequently. It could be quite stressful for you. While you are living in your own place, you get to decide what stress you allow into your home. Something to think about.
It isn’t your fault that your aunt is behaving in this way.
It sounds like your family is rather close. Has your aunt given her opinion which she seems to be upset that she wasn’t asked for yet?
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