fbpx
Menu

Need coping/distraction ideas from slightly obsessive thoughts

Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Need coping/distraction ideas from slightly obsessive thoughts

New Reply
Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • January 10, 2016 at 1:51 pm #91996
    HippieChick
    Participant

    I am in a very healthy relationship with great communication and trust. Due to my own issues that I’m dealing with (lower self esteem and difficulty completely trusting) I tend to assume the worst based on offhand, innocent comments my boyfriend makes. In our day to day life he’s very loving, takes time to answer any concerns I may have and I believe he truly wants us to be together, committed, for the long haul. So this is all me. For example, he’ll make a comment about a single friend and him at lunch and a comment make by the friend about a woman – and it strikes a nerve with me. I can’t seem to switch my thinking from “he’s thinking about her, he’s thinking I should be thinner/dress better/be more outgoing” – whatever the comment was about – to my usual “I’m enough” mindset. Even though he constantly tells me how awesome I am and how perfect in his eyes.

    Anyone out there have any tips to switch my thinking? Stop the train of thought that just gets darker and assumes the worst?

    (I used to be very jealous and “clingy” and,I’m sure, downright annoying. But I’ve done a lot of work on myself to realize I’m ok regardless of someone else’s opinion so if I could master this one little thing I’d be so much happier! )

    January 10, 2016 at 5:50 pm #92016
    jock
    Participant

    OK seems you’ve some awareness about the problem already. If I can offer my own experience here. I used to react to what people said in a suspicious way. Now I don’t think it is healthy. Better to treat people as innocent before being proven guilty, is my current approach .
    Ok so it has become a pattern for you, a habit.
    The next time you are with him, try to watch and listen to yourself. Be mindful. Later on write out what happened. Know that habits can be changed. I surprised myself by quitting smoking. That taught me that anything is possible.
    Misinterpreting can spoil good relationships so I think it is important you address this.

    January 10, 2016 at 6:15 pm #92018
    HippieChick
    Participant

    Thank you so much for the advice. I completely recognized when and what happens to set me off. My main problem is stopping the slippery slope of negative thoughts that make me feel unhappy and negative toward him for no reason. I’m looking for a way to redirect or STOP that train of thoughts!

    January 10, 2016 at 6:44 pm #92021
    jock
    Participant

    Distraction strategies? Daydream about winning the lottery or Winnie the Pooh story ??
    🙂
    sorry no idea

    January 10, 2016 at 8:21 pm #92067
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tami:

    I did this kind of thing a whole lot, inaccurately projecting into what another person was saying, “hearing” my own voice instead of what is being said. I inaccurately projected into how someone looks at me, as in “he is thinking how inferior I am… etc.

    What I learned to do is ASK a person, especially someone like a boyfriend, ask in a calm tone: what did you mean by what you said. Ask not in an accusatory tone but just so to get the information.

    First you tell your boyfriend that you project a lot and that you can’t tell if what you project is real or not, true or not. (Sometimes it is, so how DO you know)- tell him that you will be asking him to clarify what he meant so to CHECK your projections for accuracy.

    We all project all the time because everything goes through our brain. Sometimes we project accurately and sometimes inaccurately. The only way to know is to ASK.

    Attending good psychotherapy also helped me figure out what I believe about myself (for example I believed I was inferior) and how that belief came about (childhood relationship with parent). I could see then what it was that I was OFTEN projecting.

    What do you think?

    anita

    January 11, 2016 at 4:09 am #92099
    HippieChick
    Participant

    Thank you! I actually do this when I can. And he’s very understanding and doesn’t even hesitate to explain exactly what he meant. Occasionally I seem to obsess over an offhand comment hours later, especially when I’m bored out don’t have anything to do -when I’m driving or during a lull at work, and I have no way to clarify. I’m trying to think of a way to put those thoughts away and either deal with them at an appropriate time or let them go completely. (They’re usually very minor).

    It’s not a problem when it comes to people that are not “important” to me, if that makes sense. I don’t worry about things a cashier at the grocery store might say for example.

    January 11, 2016 at 9:41 am #92109
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tami:

    Yes, it makes sense: that you worry about being rejected by people who you are in the position in your life to hurt you, that is someone you care for, someone who likes you. If someone likes you and you feel that warmth of being liked by that someone, then … tell me if it is so: then you become very sensitive to what that person says, being afraid he or she will stop liking you?

    I am very familiar with this warm nice feeling when you like someone and he or she likes you back, it feels so good. But then if he or she says something or doesn’t say something just right, I get anxious, worrying that I upset them, that I lost them, that he or she doesn’t like me anymore.

    Can you relate to this?

    * Good job with your practice of asking your boyfriend for clarification and good boyfriend for clarifying!

    anita

    January 11, 2016 at 6:33 pm #92147
    HippieChick
    Participant

    I relate 100% to what you just described!

    January 11, 2016 at 7:31 pm #92160
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tami:

    In your original post here you asked: “Anyone out there have any tips to switch my thinking? Stop the train of thought that just gets darker and assumes the worst?”

    When you start thinking thoughts fueled by your fear, if you can, stop thinking those thoughts for a moment and breathe deeply, saying to myself: “I am afraid. This is all it is. I am afraid… It will be okay. It is all right.”

    Try it a few times?

    anita

    January 12, 2016 at 6:12 am #92207
    HippieChick
    Participant

    That sounds like a great idea. Almost like a mantra. I’ll definitely try it. It has to be better than what I’m doing! Thank you so much ď

    January 12, 2016 at 9:27 am #92221
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tami:

    You are welcome and do post again.

    * How strange, a few posts above there is one by “Anita”- that is a post by Juanita, another person, not me. So “Anita” is not “anita”

    anita (not Anita)

    January 12, 2016 at 4:16 pm #92267
    Lara
    Participant

    Hi Tami,

    I completely understand! I do the same thing. You are mindful of the fact that you’re mind is going to the dark side and that’s the first step. Next, I suggest the following:
    1. After determining what was said to trigger you, determine the story behind it. For instance, “he wants that other girl instead of me.”
    2. Next, determine the emotions that the story has triggered for you. Insecurity? Fear? Resentment? Jealousy? Where do these emotions come from?
    3. Look at the black and white facts. He’s a good man. He loves you. He constantly does wonderful things for you. Etc.
    4. Look at the situation again without the story. For instance, his single friend talked about a girl. No more, no less.
    5. Recognize the emotions that you are feeling as the ego. See them for what they are – trying to protect you. But then tell them “thanks, but I’m ok no matter what” and let them go.

    I think the key is removing the drama behind the event so you can see it as it is. See the event in black and white.

    The other thing (that you may already be doing) is to work on self-compassion. I have found Lovingkindness meditation so helpful in this regard. When you can feel more secure within yourself, and know that you will be ok no matter what, the insecurity and fear will lessen.

    Hope this helps!

    Best wishes,
    Lara

    January 13, 2016 at 8:22 pm #92466
    HippieChick
    Participant

    Thank you so much. That is also great advice. It can be difficult to pull my emotional response out of the situation but I definitely need to work on it. I decided today that I’m going to “start over” in my own mind and just let go and trust him. Fully. I’ve got a plan in place using some of the techniques you guys have suggested and some other things I’ve read and learned. There’s really no point in being in a relationship if I’m going to constantly put us both in the uncomfortable position of preemptively accusing him if things he’s not even doing. So, thanks again to all of you. 🙂

    January 13, 2016 at 8:59 pm #92473
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Tami, and please do post again!

    * Dear Jock: close enough to Jack, thank you! Hoping to see Jock again and again here on tiny buddha!!!

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.