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Need Genuine Advise! I am lonely and helpless.

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  • #181353
    JeanKhoo
    Participant

    Dear all,

    I am 22 years old and currently doing my last semester in the university. I feel so lonely, depressed and anxiety. I let my past influence me badly.

    Back then during my school days, classmates and teachers didn’t favor me. I got some verbal bully back then. The main reason to explain why all these happened is due to my unfriendly appearance. Many claim that I look fierce, arrogant and unfriendly when I don’t speak. However, I did not make these expressions intentionally, it was born naturally. In these years, I tried to be friendly and smiled more but I feel uncomfortable cause it isn’t the real me.

    I thought going to college would be a fresh start for me but it was even worse. Still, I got betrayed by a group a friends. I was devastated and since the I shut myself and spend most of my time alone. I transferred to other university for my undergraduate studies. Although it was much more peaceful here, I feel lonely, anxious and depressed. People here are friendly and welcoming but I keep on worrying what if the people here would betray me in the future? What if bullies happen again? With all these thoughts, I choose not to get too close with anyone and spend most of my time here eating alone, attending classes alone, which makes people here think I am unfriendly and arrogant as I did not want to be friends with anyone.

    I have dated twice during my college days. But because of my worries, it did not go well and our relationships ended. My 1st boyfriend badmouthed about me a lot to his friends and also to my ex-friends, I was so hopeless at that time and thought of commiting suicide. I don’t understand why everyone hates me…… My 2nd boyfriend cared a lot about me but with my previous experience, I was worried what if the same thing happen again this time? I find that I am happier to be alone as I don’t have to deal with much stuff. Also, I want to find and recharge myself.

    I will be completing my studies in 2 weeks time. I desperately need some genuine advise from all of you to tell me as well as solving my problems. I want the new chapter of my life to be happy. Will I recover and become a happy person again?

    • This topic was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by JeanKhoo.
    #181363
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    of course you will if you really want too, take time for you to be you and things you want to do in life,  your young so build your life and yourself up one day at a time, but always look to the future and learn from the past I hope your studies are going well

    #181369
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JeanKhoo:

    You wrote: “I tried to be friendly and smiled more but I feel uncomfortable cause it isn’t the real me”- do you mean that the real you is not friendly?

    You wrote that you were told that you look fierce, but that you were born that way. Is it possible that looking fierce means looking angry at people and that you indeed do feel angry and it shows on your face?

    I have a comment regarding what you wrote July 18, in your previous thread and here. You wrote in your last post in July: “I always imagine that one day I will be a successful person filled with happiness and joy… that at the end of the day, we will live the kind of life that we desire….eventually the right person will come into life”.

    Here you wrote: “I thought going to college would be a fresh start… I want the new chapter in my life to be happy”.

    My comment: when you experience a troubled childhood, early on, lots of neuropathways in the brain are created, that is connections there are made that cause distress. For example, when you experience betrayal when you are a child, connections are made in the brain that vibrate pain and suspicion. When you become an adult, you still have the same brain and the same connections, and so, you still feel pain and you are still suspicious of all people.

    It doesn’t matter that you are older or that you start college, that you, let’s say, move to a different city or country, you still have the same brain, the same pain, the same suspicion. And so, you prefer to be alone, so you don’t have to deal with people and betrayal. You find yourself alone wherever you are.

    There is no new chapter that happens magically, no “right person” that appears in your life and makes this desired new chapter happen.

    Healing from childhood injuries, such as yours, is possible, only it takes a very long time, and in my experience, there is no life of happiness and joy, only increasing amounts of time when I feel calm or calmer, times of renewed hope, of feeling alive; a sense of a meaningful life, although not easy and far from problem free.

    Expecting a happily-ever-after living, like in children storybooks, is unrealistic and makes life-as-is look worse by comparison. Better not compare our lives to Fantasy.

    I hope you post again.

    anita

    #181375
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi JeanKhoo! Of course you can get your life to go well if you want to, you don’t need to pretend you’re someone you’re not. Just keep it cool, and try making new friends. Not all people are the same, and you will always encounter good and bad people.

    I know what it is to feel alone and helpless, I’m a 22 year old college student, and I really don’t have that much friends, but the few I have are more than enough.

    If you continue having social anxiety, maybe you should seek some professional help. It’s always useful and can help you get your ideas straight.

    Suicide is never the solution, life is definitely worth living! It always gets better, and if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to here I am! I am very loyal and I love making new friends, I can give you my email address if you want to.

    Have a blessed day JeanKhoo, greetings from Mexico! <3

    #181379
    JeanKhoo
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your response.

    Well, I am a very friendly person. It’s just that I won’t voluntarily concern about people around me. It takes me a long time to realize that I am actually an introvert person.

    To be honest, yes, you are right, Anita. I compare with people around me. Why they have fancy life than me although they didn’t deserve it? I always hoped that one day people who hurt and betrayed me would receive something bad in returns and they would realized what they did to me were wrong things. I tried being social recently, joining church activities, I did meet some nice people but I find that I am stressed dealing with them. Still, I prefer to be alone but I also wanna stick around with people so that I am not lonely. I don’t want to be called someone with no friends.

    Anita, do you think if the people I meet nowadays are still being nice and loyal to me in 2-3 years time, which I can called them as friends, do you think I will be healed?

    #181383
    JeanKhoo
    Participant

    Dear F.R.,

    Thank you for your comment.

    I did approach the counselor in my university. However, I don’t think it is very helpful as what he mostly said were the good sides of me rather than criticizing my problem. I always think the people I meet nowadays will be the same people I met in the past. As I grow older, I thought back and I realized there was something wrong. During this 2 years, I kept on thinking my past, in detailed of what went wrong and get upset later on. I cannot even enjoy doing things I love the most like shopping, watching movie and reading. It disturbs me a lot and that’s why I started posting stuff here to seek advice and suggestions.

    What I crave for now is a happy and joyful life.

    #181393
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JeanKhoo:

    I understand on one hand wanting to be around people, craving connection, and on the other hand wanting to be alone, so to not be hurt by people. I also understanding needing justice.

    As to your question, I think that if and when you have a healthy relationship with another person, one that you learn to trust, you will heal as much as it is possible for you to heal.

    Your last sentence is: “What I crave for now is a happy and joyful life”- I am thinking that healing is not about having “a happy and joyful life”. I think that ongoing, undisturbed happiness and joy are not possible.

    Healing is about experiencing less pain and more calm, less misery and more joy, over time. It does take a long, long time.

    When one was injured by betrayal, one’s healing is in trusting at least one other person, one who is worthy of your trust. Reality is that you will keep coming across people who are untrustworthy. Be yourself a trustworthy person to others and be selective as to whom you interact with, learn who the person is over time.

    anita

    #181411
    JeanKhoo
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your advice. To be honest, no one has ever told me this will be a very long process. What I often heard from people is that just let go of your past, focus on the present, you can’t manipulate what had happened.

    I hope the people that I encounter in the future will be genuine and loyal to me. At the same time, I will also try to change myself to be more sociable and slight more talkative.

    Frankly speaking, ever since I started college, I spent nearly most of my time studying and doing homework as I want great academics achievement. However, because of that, I go out less and seldom hang out with my friends until everyone think I am a boring person and overly aggressive. I hope after the completion of my studies, I will be able to socialize and hang out with people more to build trust.

    #181413
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JeanKhoo:

    Spending your time studying is a good thing and may bring you way better returns than socializing, at this point. You wrote that people think you are “boring and overly aggressive”. Keep your mind open to people thinking differently. We can’t read other people’s minds and someone may think of you very differently than you think.

    Most often people are too busy thinking what other people are thinking of them (everyone cares about that) and do not think about you at all…!

    Regarding people saying to just let go of the past, I heard that a lot too, but lots of what people say is not true, not correct. The reason you can’t just let go of the past is because the past is in your brain and you have the same brain you always had. We grow new skin and shed the old skin, so as far as skin goes, it is replaced. On the other hand, we don’t shed our brain. This is why old people feel the same as when they were children. The brain is the same, memories of feelings is still there, the past is there, in the present.

    anita

    #181417
    JeanKhoo
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I spend a lot of time worrying about what people think about me. Sometimes, it took me a week or A MONTH to be worried about it. Most people in my age tend to have fun, go out a lot. At some points, I really wanted to give up my studies to just have fun and socialize. Working hard on academics also caused me to have anxiety especially during exam time.

    During my school days, I wasn’t good looking. As years went by, I started looking slightly more decent now after learning makeup and putting braces to correct my teeth in university. And that’s when those people who hurt and betrayed me from the past start looking at my social media more often. I always want to live better than them. I wanted to tell them my life is better than theirs. That’s why I occasionally will show off some expensive stuff I bought and post them on social media. I know this is not good but I can’t help it.

    #181419
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JeanKhoo:

    Often people look like they are having fun and you are the only one struggling, but it is not so. Most people, if not all people struggle a whole lot. People have good times too, but people who struggle a lot tend to think that they are the only ones.

    When we see someone smile, maybe they are happy at that moment, but moments don’t last. When you see a person happy on a photo on social media, you tend to think they are always happy, but you don’t see them the moment after the photo was taken, and the moment after.

    And everyone seems to worry what others think of them.

    Will soon be away from the computer for about 17 hours. Take care of yourself.

    anita

    #181423
    Mary
    Participant

    Hello,

    When I read this I realize how feelings like yours are common to so many people.  When we try to always please others or fit in then it can backfire.  When we try to first honor who we are, then we will find that individuals we meet with also honor us with respect and when there is a commonality, friendship.  Like you, I spent many years as a people pleaser. Giving that up made me free and taught me to love myself unconditionally.

    You describe yourself as a university student, fantastic.  Keep up your studies, earning your degree is an accomplishment you can feel proud of.  Join groups that interest you and look to find others with that same interest.  Treat yourself well, others will notice and also treat you well.

    As a community, this forum is so good for sharing.  In this, we are aware that we all face very similar challenges.

     

    Namaste

    #181425
    JeanKhoo
    Participant

    Dear Mary,

    Hi, thanks for your comment.

    Would you mind telling me what makes you decided to stop being a people pleaser? I am concerned that it will be difficult for me to make friends after leaving university, do you think that’s an issue?

    By looking at people around me, I think I am a loser. Although I am doing well in my studies, it doesn’t make me happy as I feel empty and lose. Because of my past experiences, I am worried to make new friends. I don’t dare to get closer with people as I fear the betrayal again. There were times when I tried to change myself so that I could fit in certain circles but at the end, I wasn’t happy and felt even stressed than before.

    I am desperately looking for solutions and advice to my problem because I will start working next year and I want some changes, change for myself and for good.

    #181429
    Mary
    Participant

    Hello,

    I understand your concerns regarding graduation.  I did feel that working was far easier than attending university.  You will find a wider variety of people and interests.  You will also be able to see that you have already accomplished much in your brief time here on the planet.

    As for the comparing yourself to others.  This is hard to not do and in some respects when you are copying the good characteristics of others then I think in general you can try to copy these attributes.  Things such as kindness and forgiveness benefit all of mankind.

    Comparing yourself in terms of looks, money etc is just purely a waste of time.  Give up the “should be like or should have done” internal dialogue and be sure to understand that your journey is unique.

    Hope you are able to work all this out, seek professional help when needed ( I did) and reach out to share and help others along the way.

    Namaste

     

     

    #181479
    JeanKhoo
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Mary,

    Let me go on a little detailed of my story. Back then in my primary school, I had a classmate who thought I was a brilliant kid and started looking me as her competitor in academics. I wasn’t aware of it until we graduated. They were friendly and nice to me on the surface but backstabbed me and spread rumors about me to others as well as to the teachers. I did nothing to defend myself, I sat in the class quietly.  In high school, it was worse. Everyone called me a pretentious and phony because I can speak and write fluent English. For your information, the people in the city I grew up generally speak their Mother tongue, Mandarin. I was so emo and devastated, I did nothing wrong and why would I receive all these. People hated me without any reason. I wasn’t the good-looking, smartest kids in the class back then.

    When I started college, there was one semester I did extremely well, I was shocked as I obtained a GPA of 3.92/4.00 during that particular semester. I did not study much though. Since then, I always wanted to achieve better, and I worked hard every semester and in all my assessments. However, the more I want to succeed, the more stressed I am. I began to lose contacts with people around me and solely focus on studies. Now, I almost finish my studies and I look back, my university life is so mundane, boring and sad. My classmates are all having fun but there’s me, alone and helpless. Sometimes I questioned myself a lot back then whether is focusing on academics without having fun was a right thing to me….

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