Dear Rita:

I re-read all your posts on this thread and the last one. I am glad you are back here!

I would like to try and help you with your self doubt and confusion at this time by pointing out the following:

Your son’s sadness, anger, difficulties is a result of the abusive behavior of his father. The cause of your son’s distress is his father’s abusive behavior toward you (and by extension toward his own son). The cause of your son’s distress is not your decision to end the abusive marriage. In your confusion, you mixed cause and effect, and so you are thinking something like that:

If I eliminate my solution to the abuse (protecting you and your son from abuse), then the consequences of the abuse done will be gone. In reality, you will be inviting back into your life, and your son’s life MORE abuse and preventing healing.

The solution should be: keep the father away, living separately. And now there is healing to be done, for you and for your son. Having the man move out (finally!) is making the beginning of healing possible.

If you have the man back, your son may be relieved for a short time, but his distress will continue to compound into severe mental health problems. If you keep the man out, this distress you see in your son needs to be attended to, healed. Your son needs time to adjust to the new living circumstances. Give him the opportunity to adjust by keeping the situation as is, separate living.

Living with your husband is like living with a predator, one that bites you and your son, making both of you bleed (emotionally). The predator just left, finally, and you see your son is bleeding still from the injuries inflicted by the predator while you didn’t protect your son. The solution is not to invite the predator back in for more biting, more inuries, more blood.

If you invite him back, you will be putting a bandaid on a small cut suffered by your son, while the heavy duty cuts on his skin will continue to bleed profusely, more bites, more injuries.

anita