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need help recently break up

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  • June 29, 2025 at 5:32 am #447171
    confusedasf
    Participant

    Hi people, thank you for reading my situation. I’m in a very confused stage now.

    Me and my bf known each other for over a year and dated for 8 months. We ran into each other somewhere, so no mutual friends. It was great, we connected deeply over endless conversations about various topics. We can talk on the phone for hours and hours about the economy, art, poetry, politics, etc.
    The issue between us is that: I will start with mine
    I’m fearful avoidant, so whenever he says something I don’t feel comfortable with or does things that don’t match what’s in my head, I shut down, and sometimes it can last for hours. But it’s been better given all the therapy sessions. And I am very uncomfortable talking about any hard topic or topics related to the future. The way I view them is that I shut down completely in my mind so it doesn’t bother me, but I know I am always anxious about them.
    He is also a fearful avoidant who has a major issue expressing his emotions and real feelings. He’d do anything to make me happy, and whatever I say, he’d receive it very well without pointing out any problem or hard feelings. He also has a problem talking about hard topics, but he’s always anxious about them, all the time; he thinks about them 24/7 without communicating.
    The actual problem led to the breakup is that he can not consistently show up because he’s in a life phase where everything has just started, a new job, new girlfriend, and wanting to move out of his parents’ house. having to travel long distances to work to me, to his parents separately, to his hobby, to business trip. Things start to feel overwhelming, and he failed to share and communicate with me; instead, he would make promises and fail to show up, and he feels deeply shame about it and gives him more pressure again. And he has a drinking problem, when stress overflows, he relapses, which makes his life even more out of control. At the end, we both were very painful. I reached a point where I built too much resentment, when he started to share his anxiety & stress, all I heard was complaining and annoyance. He reached to a point has a very disorganized life, no routine, couldn’t fall asleep or eat. just drained in his stress about work, about relationship, about family and about future.
    I broke things apart because it looks like it’s not good for us anymore. But we deeply love each other so much that we cried so much. But breakingup made us both feel lighter. I’m glad that i put a pause before our feelings grow apart.
    but the painful part is that we never stop loving each other and we tried so hard. Right now, 2 weeks after the breakup, I’m so confused, I really want to get back together but also trapped in fear.
    my confusion is:
    – we are soul mate, i am sure i want to be with him, i miss him as a person.
    – if we start over, will the pattern change? or we will just hurt more and eventually love dies.

    but I do know that i want this to work and want to reach out

    Thank you,

    any response, advice would be great.

    June 29, 2025 at 9:32 am #447176
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Confusedasf:

    I just want to say how much I admire the tenderness and courage in your words. You’re not just navigating heartache—you’re trying to understand it, to grow through it, and that’s something really meaningful. You’re clearly someone who feels deeply and thinks deeply, too—and that combination is powerful, even when it hurts.

    It seems to me that the pain the two of you felt didn’t come from a lack of love, but from the ways you each learned to protect yourselves when things got hard. You shut down when overwhelmed. He held everything in until it eventually spilled out. You were both trying to stay safe in different ways, but those ways began to collide instead of connect.

    It sounds like you need a partner who communicates clearly—no second-guessing, no emotional riddles. Someone who can be honest with warmth, who doesn’t retreat when things get heavy. Someone who says, “This is hard for me too,” instead of hiding what’s real. A warm, calm presence—especially in moments of uncertainty or conflict.

    Your boyfriend, as you described him, struggled with that. When life became overwhelming, he collapsed inward, avoided sharing, and offered promises rather than presence. That doesn’t make him a bad person—it means he was doing the best he could with what he had. But it likely left you feeling unsure, anxious, and alone in your own mind.

    At the same time, he may need a partner who brings patience to his emotional delays—but also gently challenges his avoidance. Someone who expresses what she actually feels and needs, instead of hoping he’ll guess. Someone who reaches out with curiosity and compassion, instead of filling the silence with worry or assumptions.

    It sounds like you already see how your own silence sometimes kept your needs unspoken. And in that silence, he stayed quiet too. You mirrored each other—not in a way that felt grounding, but in a way that deepened the distance.

    So I want to offer this gently: right now, it doesn’t sound like either of you were consistently able to be what the other needed most. That doesn’t mean the love wasn’t real. But patterns got in the way—patterns that both of you would need to work on to keep the pain from repeating.

    If you do reach out, maybe the question isn’t just “Do we still love each other?” but “Can we grow enough to love each other differently?”

    Whatever you choose, I hope you keep listening to the part of you that wants to love and be loved from a place of clarity, steadiness, and care.

    With warmth, Anita

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