Dear Confusedasf,

you’re very welcome! I’m happy you’re feeling better now than when you first started sharing <3

I’m just happy that he’s doing okay, and I’ve kind of moved on with my life. …really wish him the best, and hopefully, he can get back on his feet soon and have everything he deserves.

This is so emotionally mature of you – not holding any grudges against him and wishing him all the best.

we had this conversation towards the end of the relationship where he told me on a scale of 1-10, he trusted me & felt safe with me at 9. That’s also probably why, after we broke up, he still had the strength to tell me how much he misses me. But I never felt that level of trust or safety with him. I had so much doubt after breaking up, so much self-doubt, doubt of the relationship, wondering if he loves me or not, wondering if everything is just me being delusional. But he told me directly and raw about his feelings soothed my mind and my heart deeply.

That’s good to know. It seems he didn’t have a problem with you – he probably understood that you’re not asking too much of him (e.g. to meet regularly and spend time together). However, he had/has multiple other issues in his life, which he doesn’t know how to handle well and then he resorts to drinking, and that’s his downfall.

He probably has enough self-awareness to admit that. It doesn’t make it any easier on the relationship though, because as it turned out, it’s hard for him to function with that level of stress and a drinking problem. But at least he’s not blaming you for leaving him.

Also, kind of stopped being paranoid about him moving on or having lots of doubts about us. Because I do believe whatever we had is real, just none of us are capable of having it, tho, it doesn’t make whatever we had any less real.

That’s also an important realization. You did feel love for each other, and a lot of compatibility, but due to emotional issues on both sides, you couldn’t make it work. Specially issues on his side, with him isolating himself from you and resorting to drinking when under stress.

I’m grateful that he is so straightforward about his emotions,even tho he has a hard time expressing his struggle, but he always tells me how much he loves me and misses me.

Yeah, it seems he has trouble expressing his fears and worries, and the reason, as I said earlier, could be that he doesn’t want to upset you. But also it might be his style – not being able to share his struggle openly, but feeling the need to suffer alone (and then self-medicating). That might have been his pattern since childhood. Anyway, he seems to be aware of it and not blaming you, but only having kind words about you.

Things start to get busy, and I’ve started to challenge myself by not reaching out when I freak out or feel anxious. I’ve also started planning a solo trip so that I can be alone without relying on anyone. Not easy, I’d say it’s hard. therically, I know what’s the “right” thing to do, how to regulate it, but again, it’s really hard to transfer that into action, and without a person to test it out, I highly doubt if I’d “Relapse” or not lol. Again and because of this, I know none of us is ready.

That’s great that you’re challenging yourself not to reach out to him as soon as you feel anxious. You’re challenging yourself to become more self-reliant and break those old patterns. Which is great! But it’s okay to seek help, which you are already doing through therapy and also here.

If you have a good, supportive friend, you could perhaps invite them to one of those trips, because it might be overwhelming to do it all on your own. It’s okay to have support while you’re learning to become more self-reliant.

I don’t mind being the person to make the first move, but not now. I’m not ready personally, I don’t want to push anything when I’m not ready. Maybe in another two months, I feel more confident handling my own emotions and giving the support my partner deserves, I’d reach out with a clear purpose to either open the conversation or close it completely.

That’s a really healthy approach. You need to be more safe and secure in yourself before giving the relationship another chance. You don’t want to fall into the old patterns. Which is super mature of you. Kudos to you, Confused! In fact, I think you’re not so confused anymore, you know what you want and what you’re working towards. You’ve actually got pretty good clarity. And I am so happy for you, and also impressed with you!

Just keep doing what you’re doing, slowly but surely, with lots of compassion for yourself. And keep seeking help and support, like you’re already doing.

If you have an update or anything to talk about, I am here.

Take care! <3

Dear Confusedasf,

I’m so happy that you’re feeling better and resolved to work on yourself, go on “dates with yourself” (very apt term, btw!) and explore the world through new eyes. Sounds like a great plan – I’m excited for you!

Yes, he never blamed me on anything, also never said his relapse was because of us fighting/breaking up or anything related. He is a very nice person with his own family/career struggles and also alcoholic families. I feel very bad for him, as a kind, nice person, he deserves better life than this and I wanted to help really bad, but now I know i can’t help or fix anything. He also never blamed me for leaving, by the time we ended things, he said: “I’m surprised you put up with me for so long, you should look out for yourself more.” and he also told me how badly he wanted to have a future with me, that’s also part of the reason he stressed out a lot because he wants to provide.

Yes, he does seem like a good person, with lots of self-awareness, and willingness to take responsibility for his own actions. I do hope that with time, he will give himself a chance at healing and turning the page in his life.

I think I’m less confused now, because the direction is quite clear. I will work on myself until I’m ready to date again, then I will see if my heart still goes towards him, if so I can’t fight with myself, i will make a move. If not, then I will start exploring again

Sounds like a great plan! I truly hope you strengthen your connection with yourself and then decide how you feel and what to do next. And I fully trust that you’ll do it, because girl, you do sound determined. And unstoppable! 🙂

But yeah, as Anita said, be patient with yourself, give yourself a lot of compassion. It will take time, but you’re getting there…

Wishing you all the best on your solo trip(s), and if there’s an update, or anything, I’ll be happy to read.

Good luck and Godspeed! <3