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need help,loosing it

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  • #81420
    andrea
    Participant

    Hi all,I need help and desperate to find a solution.I am 37 and married with no kids yet. It’s been 8 years of marriage. It was a love marriage but more of compromise as I had a boyfriend earlier who left me because of his suspicious nature.he never trust me,so he decided to call off and I missed him badly.so,back to my marriage,Things were good till first 3 years. Out of these 3 years,we had all good times in first 2 years but later connection got drifting away as I was missing the connection I had with my boyfriend. During that time I was instantly attracted to one of my friends and I started spending more time with him. He was married to but we were flirting and having a good time.this took us into physical intimacy, superb chemistry. I felt loved and a similar connection like I had with my first boyfriend,more like a parental love. Later he had a kid who now is 2 yes old. It’s been 3 yes nw we are in a relationship. We went through all kind of fights likely in a relationship but never fought on any insecurities abt his marriage n kid. I respect them a lot,never interfere. Same with him, he never spoke abt my family. We kept that distance.
    My parents n in-laws started pressuring me for having kid since last 2 years. I don’t feel physically attracted towards my husband anymore and we hardly speak other than sharing financial expenses as we have joint liabilities. We never went out on couple trips due to financial
    Or as my husband never planned. It’s offlate he planned because he wants to have a grandson for his parents. I don’t feel loved. So now I am not been able to connect with my husband as I don’t love him anymore. And I am staying away since 2 months. I am discussing this with my parents and they too say I should walk out of my marrimage which is only alive because of payments of liabilities like house and other EMIs. I get drained out as I spend everything in these payments,same with my husband, who earns half of my salary and who never understood my emotional needs. On the other side, I am being loved by my boyfriend but now when I am alone, I miss him more and my emotional expectations are also increasing. I am dependent on him to take care of me and have started demanding to ask me every now and then. I know it clearly that he sometimes can’t take it but he tries to do the best he can because he loves me. I am 100% sure he will never leave me till end of my life but then my increasing expectations are spoiling the relationship.
    Don’t know where am I heading in life. I really don’t want to continue with my marriage. But I am on the other side spoiling my relationship with my boyfriend.

    #81424
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear andreacimon:

    I definitely support you in exiting your marriage as soon as possible. I very much hope you do not bring a child into this marriage- it will be very unfair to the child. In regard to your relationship your boyfriend, did I understand correctly: is he still married and has a young child with his wife, or more children?

    anita

    #81432
    andrea
    Participant

    Yes Anita,he is married and has a son.

    #81444
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear andreacimon:

    What a complicated situation! When I read about you being married and having a boyfriend who is also married with a young son, the first thing that comes to my mind is: this is wrong! In regard to having a boyfriend who is married with young son alone, in regard to this fact alone, I am thinking: andreacimon should end this relationship because it is probably harmful to that young son and any other children he may have, the innocent parties here. I bet you thought about it too. It is tough for me to think of this relationship with the boyfriend as just a relationship because of him being married with child. How do you reconcile this? I mean, how do you think of him as boyfriend only, if you do… can you help me understand? You see, my judgment that it is wrong is still there in my mind but I am also curious to understand how YOU view it so to get to know you better. If I get to know you better in this context, this forum, I am hoping I will learn more and that I may be able to be of some help to you. Looking forward to your response, hoping there will be one. To encourage such I am stating here that I will not try to… somehow hurt you because of the wrongness I am indicating here. I will be respectful to you regardless.

    anita

    #81452
    andrea
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have thought about the wrong in the relationship. But I get emotional support and love in this relationship. As you said that this can harm his son or his married life,it is not like that. I respect them a lot because they are on priority n I always come after them and I have whole heartedly accepted this fact. No second thought on this. We have maintained the line of privacy. But now as m becoming old,m feeling more lonely and expectations are increasing. This never means that you leave your family and come,but yes I expect you to spend the rest of time with me. I have sort of become habitual or you can say addicted to him. What is your thought on this Anita. I know society will not call this right, but me and my boyfriend share this relationship which is helping us grow,it reflects in my confidence,I feel secured and loved.

    #81457
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear andreacimon:

    I suppose your boyfriend’s wife doesn’t know about his relaionship with you? His son doesn’t know. Is it that your boyfriend/ her husband keeps his marriage and his relatioonship with you so separate in his mind that the two do not contradict each other, in his mind? And you do the same: keep his marriage separate from your relationship with him, that is you are okay that he is physically intimate with her- it doesn’t matter to you… or is it starting to matter to you?

    I wonder about him and you keepting the two separate. I understand that your marriage is bad, but his marriage is … good AND his relationship with you is good? Can you tell me more about the separation in your mind and in his mind the best you know…?

    This is not easy for me to understand, not without even more information. Looking forward to your reply.

    anita

    #81481
    andrea
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    He had said initially that he don’t have emotional connect with his wife. That is she is not matured enough to understand his emotional needs. My boyfriend manages his married life well,spends time with wife and is a good dad as well. But when it comes to physical intimacy he is too much into me. We do not make out for the sake of making out,it’s emotional involvement and soul connect. And at times when we are away from intimacy for months,still we are emotionally connected strongly. He never said but he comes from a very conservative family where marriages are always arrange marriages.
    I never expect him to spend on me for material things. But I badly need emotional support.
    I understand the importance of family,so I don’t interfere in his family and never try to disturb him when he is with his family. Tomorrow if he would say that he will stop being physically intimate with me,I won’t get much bothered if he wwill have the same emotional connect with me and take care of me. These are my thoughts Anita.

    #81488
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Deasar andreacimon:

    Thank you for your thoughts. I have a better understanding this morning as I read your last post. I went back to your original post to try and understand your question or what help you need. This is what I understand: you are in a bad relationship, marriage, 37, no children. You are considering divorce. There is some pressure on you to have a child in this marriage. He is in an arranged-kind of marriage (a marriage he is never likely to consider leaving).

    First, I feel the need to congratulate you, to say Good Job to you regarding NOT bringing a child or children into a bad marriage. Whatever your reasons for that, I believe it is the right choice for the child/ren (in potential). My hat is off to you for not bringing a child or children into a situation where they are likely to suffer.

    Second, I highly recommend that you indeed divorce your husband. I don’t see the benefit of staying married to him. And as I wrote before, I like it that you didn’t bring children to a bad marriage and would like it to stay that way.

    Third, you need more emotional support from your boyfriend, you wrote. You need more emotional support to get through the divorce you are seriously considering or even planning. Is that correct? Are you afraid (I will not be surprised) of going through the divorce? Soical pressures? What will people say? Are these the concerns? What are your concerns about getting a divorce?

    You need more emotional support from your boyfriend and that causes extra stress on the relationship with him. You are worried that this extra stress, you being more needy, and maybe demanding of him, you are afraid you will lose your relationship with him, is that correct?

    I see, as I review what i already wrote to you that I have two questions that I need to know so that I can tell if I am on the right path of understanding your situation: are you more fearful lately because you are considering and planning your own divorce? If so, what scares you? Second question is: am I correct in the above paragraph regarding your bf?

    anita

    #81490
    andrea
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your help.
    You have perfectly understood me……I have all these questions in mind. Only one correction in 4 th paragraph- “You need more emotional support to get through the divorce you are seriously considering or even planning. Is that correct?” this is not correct. I need emotional support through out life now. I could sense that I will feel more and more lonely now.
    Once again thankyou

    #81492
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear andreacimon:

    You are welcome. So, you are saying that you do not need emotional support so to go through the divorce but so to deal with the loneliness resulting from the divorce? Strange, i thought your marriage did not provide you positive companionship. So, there was some companionship there and that is why you are already feeling lonely?

    My goodness, you see how many things I need to figure out, there is so much to know. I re-read the beginning of your original post. Your boyfriend before your husband, then your husband. You and your husband drifted apart and it was then you got together with the married boyfriend. Your emotional connection with the latter is very strong, you write.

    I wonder why the ex bf was suspicious of you? If there was any valid reason for it. I wonder about the quality of the relationship with that ex bf… As you can read, dear andreacimon, I have more questions. This is not usually the case, that I am so clueless at this point of a correspondence, unable to come up with any insight.

    If you would like to share more, please do. It is likely that I will get some insight with more information. Feel free to tell me more, tell me about the relationship with the ex bf, more about what you are going to miss about the present marriage (what is the loss that makes you feel lonely about the ending of the marriage?) etc., anything else you think may be relevant. Life gets complicated sometimes and I think there are more layers to your story than need to be shared and examined. I am willing. If you are- do share.

    anita

    #81499
    andrea
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, I did not say that I do not need emotional support through the divorce. I always needed emotional support all the time. Since my husband did not fulfill that, I was attracted to my current bf.
    Taking you back to my ex-boyfriend before marriage….he was too aggressive whenever he had doubt on me.we were so close that I bunked my college for entire graduation period except for my exams. He was insecured as I was beautiful and he is dark. This I was told by his one friend after the breakoff. I dint even know that he was a Marijuana addict. And later after breakoff,I got to know from his sister that he I’d mentally disturbed so had left me. He recovered in 2 years and then called me one day and apologized that he left without a valid reason. We closed on a good note.
    I would also like to add many things. I always needed emotional support since childhood. May parents always fought. My dad used to hit my mom all the time and my mom went into depression. This was till my school days and I never used to understand why did my dad hit my mom. Never saw them going along well. I have a brother who kept busy then hanging around with friends. I went to college and entered this relationship with my ex-boyfriend. He was then my mom, dad everything for me. I was blindly in love because I was taken care of about everything by him.we used to meet in morning and he used to leave me close to my house.we both were students then. But then it ended the way I mentioned above.
    I look to myself today and feel that I always traded myself for having that emotional comfort. I don’t know what’s going on. I never thought if I am right or wrong, just carried on because it served my emotional needs. I am still learning to be happy with myself and loving self, but can’t get rid of depending on others for happiness or emotional needs.

    #81501
    Glet
    Participant

    Dear Andreacimon

    I’ve been following your conversation with Anita because I felt I could learn a thing or two from her incredible insight….

    but I want to ask you this..

    what happens if you divorce your husband and your current boyfriend breaks it off with you?..

    am sorry for being so cynical
    but I’ve been where you are not…depending on people for emotional support,being unable to be truly happy and fulfilled on my own..
    I too had a dark past and I went through so much which left me emotionally weak.
    I am not saying that you should stop getting emotional support from people..but have you ever thought of another way…trying to be there for yourself instead…trying to lift yourself up instead of looking to someone to do it for you…
    I don’t know if I am making sense..i am only 19 but I’ve been through enough to know that the only person we can truly trust and depend on is ourselves…people change,their priorities do too….
    once again am sorry if am being negative here….

    #81504
    andrea
    Participant

    Hey Glet, thanks for joining in….yea I have thought about the worst, I can’t imagine my bf not talking to me. We have been through fights when we don’t talk to each other for days,but every time we came back together because he understands me well and get worried if I break down. We had biggest fight and he patched up with me,he too needs me to love him and take care of him. But yea,the truth is that he can live a normal life(not happy) without me. But this side,I cant imagine he leaving me. But somewhere since last few months, I have been thinking of this situation when he suddenly leaves me and disconnects me. I will have no option but let him go with what he wants. I won’t die but will miss him always. Will cope up with this,but will be difficult. Please someone help me to start loving myself. I can’t leave my bf but atleast I can try and be content with myself( being content gives one happiness they say).

    #81505
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear andreacimon:

    I am going back to your original post and quoting sentences from there and on to your last post:

    “I missed him (ex bf, before marriage) badly…I felt loved (by current married bf) and a similar connection like I had with my first boyfriend,more like a parental love…I don’t feel loved( by your current husband)…now when I am alone, I miss him (married bf) more…I am dependent on him to take care of me…I am 100% sure he will never leave me till end of my life…But now as m becoming old,m feeling more lonely…We do not make out for the sake of making out,it’s emotional involvement and soul connect. And at times when we are away from intimacy for months,still we are emotionally connected strongly…I badly need emotional support… if he would say that he will stop being physically intimate with me,I won’t get much bothered if he wwill have the same emotional connect with me and take care of me…I need emotional support through out life now. I could sense that I will feel more and more lonely now…I always needed emotional support all the time…I always needed emotional support since childhood. May parents always fought. My dad used to hit my mom all the time…Never saw them going along well…I went to college and entered this relationship with my ex-boyfriend. He was then my mom, dad everything for me. I was blindly in love because I was taken care of about everything by him…I look to myself today and feel that I always traded myself for having that emotional comfort. I don’t know what’s going on. I never thought if I am right or wrong, just carried on because it served my emotional needs…”

    Now from the above i am taking out several sentences and putting them together, see what I get: “a similar connection (with married bf) like I had with my first boyfriend,more like a parental love……I always needed emotional support since childhood. May parents always fought…my ex-boyfriend.. was then my mom, dad everything for me.”

    This is my analysis: It is obvious that in your childhood you did not have the emotional comfort, the emotional experience of SAFETY that you desperately needed as any child needs. You needed to feel safe as desperately as you needed air to breathe. Your parents fought, your mother was depressed. Neither your father nor your mother attended to you and to your desperate need to feel safe. That need for safety therefore remained as strong throughout your adulthood as it was then.

    As you are now getting older, and your marriage is lacking the safety you need and the married bf is not available enough, and your beauty is a subject to inevitable aging, you sense that you are less likely to attract men. Being older, you feel that your dream of safety is disappearing and your desperation is more acute.

    That injury you suffered in childhood, that big, gaping wound, that lack of safety, the resulting anxiety, so distressing, is what is responsible for your desperation, for you doing anything it takes to not be alone, to feel the safety you needed then and still do. Right and wrong do not matter to a person as desperate as you.

    Unfortunately, there is no way to fix this alone. This kind of relationship-injury (injury formed in relationship with your parents)- cannot be fixed without the right kind of relationship. What relationship can fix this injury? Not likely with any of your parents. Not likely with a child if you were to have one (big mistake). It could be a relationship with a trusted, good-enough psychotherapist. It could be with a very close friend, even a boyfriend, a decent person healthy enough, one with insight and skills he/ she can share with you. In the context of a healing relationship you will share your fears, your needs, your loneliness, get insight into your past and skills on how to regulate your fear of being alone, regulate emotions and learn the message in them. You will be visible, in the context of a healing relationship, not invisible and alone like you were as a child.

    In a healing relationship you don’t only find refuge from re-experiencing the distress of a lonely, unsafe childhood where you … weren’t seen and almost did not exist- but there is TALKING and SHARING and insight and practicing skills in the process of healing.

    There is only one way for healing as I see it- find that healing relationship. Again, not as a refuge only, not as a break from distress of loneliness and euphoria of temporarily feeling safe, but as a context where healing can happen.

    A relationship not as a way to ESCAPE, but as a way to HEAL.

    anita

    #81507
    andrea
    Participant

    Dear Anita,I’m almost is tears….I feel pity for myself. I am feeling like crying a lot. I am tired and I want to end this feeling of insecurity and pain…..a feeling of helpless girlfriend of a married boyfriend…… A feeling of a helpless human being…. Killing myself iinside

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