Dear Cheryl:

My summary of your fears and values expressed in your last post: you are afraid of abusive men, you  don’t want to be married to one. You are afraid that a future husband will criticize your character for this ten year relationship, and that will feel like hell to you, you wrote. You are afraid to live alone, unattached. You are afraid no one will take care of you in your old age. You want to serve society.

Clearly, to me, your belief that if you end this ten year relationship with this man, he will get sick and die, because of you leaving. And, you therefore believe, that you living in his home under the pretense of being a stranger who needs shelter, is saving his life and his family. This is your delusion.

Terminate the relationship with this man. Leave his home, never to return. Live alone, unmarried, for a while. Do not get into any new relationship, for a while. Worry about old age later. Correct your thinking, see reality clearly, as it is.

You are important; your life is important, don’t sacrifice your life for a delusion. True love should not look like  what “love” looks like in your life, in that home.

I would like to read one day that you live as a free woman, safe from abuse, and in a good, loving relationship.

Again, please feel free to post anytime

anita

Dear Cheryl:

You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes. Glad you will be posting back.

No matter what you do: stay where you are or move out, there will be some suffering on your part. It is, really, suffering either way. Living where you are, you suffer having to ask permission all your waking hours, like a prisoner, a woman who is not free. You suffer knowing this woman doesn’t know of your relations to the ma. You suffer being afraid of the child being angry at you. You suffer from guilt about being there AND about leaving.

If you leave, you will suffer loneliness, anxiety of being un-attached. You will worry… you will suffer.

Either way, there is suffering. But if you leave you have a CHANCE for a better life. If you stay, there is no hope.

See reality for what it is. The truth of what-is will set you free.

anita

Dear Cheryl:

To clarify:

You repeatedly  referred to the woman as your friend, on this thread, but she is not your friend. As far as she is concerned she is giving you shelter, as a charity case. I know this because she does not allow you to do anything without her permission. It means, she sees herself as superior to you, not equal. She sees you as someone less worthy than her. You are her “charity case”, not her friend.

No person can be content compromising their freedom day in and day out, like you do. We are born to be free, this way- to make our own choices. We can’t follow orders, be unable to do anything without permission and be content that way.

It is not your failure to adjust to living like a prisoner that is the problem, it is that you live like a prisoner  that is the problem. In reality, you don’t have to be a prisoner. You can leave. So you should leave.

One more point: in reality, if the man loved you, he would be encouraging your health, your well being, and so, he would not allow you to be a prisoner: either he would have seen to it that his “first wife” wouldn’t treat you like a prisoner, or he would have encouraged you to live elsewhere as a free woman.

anita

Dear Cheryl:

I found your entry in the Activity section but strangely, it is not showing up here. To summarize your entry there, you wrote that you are feeling very depressed, that you cannot control your tars, feeling very empty, guilty, shattered, feeling so much love for the man but knowing that your “love is based out of lie”, and so, you wrote that “the circumstances in the house is not favor to me so I have to quit.” You wrote that you can’t imagine life without him but you “cannot go back because it is not right.”

Does this mean, Cheryl, that you left his house? If so, congratulations for doing the right thing for all parties involved, as it is, the right thing to do. I agree and support you in your thinking that indeed:

“the circumstances in the house is not favor to (you)” – living there under the pretense of needing shelter is not right, having to ask permission for every move you make all day long is unhealthy for you, having to be careful not to make the child angry- unhealthy for you.

I agree that you “cannot go back” because, I agree: “it is not right.”

I wrote to you a few posts ago, that you will suffer either way, if you stay and if you leave. I also wrote to you in that post, that if you stay there is no hope for you to have a better life, no hope in that suffering. But if you leave, you will suffer- but there will be hope for a better life for you.

Endure this suffering you currently experience, because there is hope in it. Post again (I hope it shows up in your thread this time!)

anita

Dear Cheryl:

You are welcome. You wrote in your last post: “consider I am truly happy by staying in their house”-

I cannot consider this because I do not believe it is possible for a woman to be happy having to ask permission for every move you make, all day, every day. Not having the freedom to move about as you choose. I don’t believe a person can be happy living under false pretense.

What I can consider is that you considered leaving that house and you got very, very scared. The thought of leaving was too much of a threat to your sense of survival, and so, you found much comfort, almost “happiness” in the thought of staying.

When leaving feels life-threatening, then staying feels like safety. This safe/ happy feeling will last until the fear dissolves.

You are scared, Cheryl, and I am not there to take your hand and walk you out of that house, then lead you to your own new home, help you settle, live there with you or visit you regularly, being a comfort to you, someone to talk to, someone to help you along. These words I am typing cannot hold you hand.

Therefore, my support- for which you thanked me- is very limited.

anita

Dear Cheryl:

You are welcome, Cheryl.

As to the first fear: that you will be responsible to the man’s suffering and death and to the family’s demise if you leave, and therefore you must stay no matter how you feel- if it was true, that you carried such a responsibility, then bring it up for a family conversation: get the husband and first wife together with you, in the living room, and introduce yourself to her, say: “I am second wife, Cheryl. I live here because if I leave, our husband will greatly suffer and die, and as a result you, first wife and your child (and second child, if you have him/her) will be left without a husband. I am here, in this house, to save your family and mine. Your family, first wife, is my family too.”

Then listen to what first wife and husband say- they should both say: “Thank you! Thank you, second wife! We are so glad you are here. Please stay and stay.” And first wife will say: “And you don’t have to ask permission for anything. You are important to our family. You are saving us!”

What do you think, Cheryl, about such a family meeting?

anita

Dear Cheryl:

I don’t understand: why will first wife not be alive when she knows that you are saving her husband’s life?

anita

Dear Cheryl:

If “no girl in this world digest this  (that her husband has a ten year relation with another woman) right”- then how is it that you know he has a ten year relation with another woman and you are digesting it?

Right under the same roof where you are living, the man you love is having relation with another woman- you are digesting it, aren’t you?

Why will she not digest it?

anita