Need suggestions on dealing with grasping and loneliness

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This topic has 17 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by Brav3.

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May 12, 2016 at 4:20 pm #104392

Brav3
Participant

Hi guys,

I am going through breakup and would like advice or suggestions on following issues:

1. Grasping of happy and sad memories of her ( includes images, words) – How can I let go these past memories that continues to entangled me with emotions.

2. Loneliness – it intensifies alot during morning and night. I really want to learn about it as I have decide to not be with anyone for unknown amount of time. How can I be alone and happy?

I have identified these two major problems causing issues in my present. Any suggestions/ advice will deeply appreciated.

May 12, 2016 at 4:52 pm #104396

Ranjan
Participant

Hey!

Great questions. Not sure I know the answer but this is what I try to do after a break up:

– Remind myself that time really does heal all wounds. There is suffering in the interim, but undoubtedly, it will pass. Although it’s not easy, I think going cold turkey on that person for sometime might be a healthy way for time to work it’s magic.
– I take time to work through my feelings: Resentments, frustrations, insecurities, hopes, regrets. I do this by writing in a journal for about 30 minutes; just letting my words spew on the page about the topic. I find that giving myself a specific time to process these feelings frees up the time I spend passively thinking about it elsewhere.
– I reach out to friends. I vent but I also make sure to use the opportunity to get out of my head: asking them about their life, joking around, talking about current events. Good for the loneliness.

Anyways, just my two cents – hope you feel better!

Ranjan

May 12, 2016 at 5:35 pm #104404

Brav3
Participant

Thank you Ranjan.

May 12, 2016 at 7:34 pm #104409

Anonymous
Guest

Dear brav3:

Congratulations for identifying these two issues. And now, my input on these issues:

1. “Grasping of happy and sad memories of her ( includes images, words) – How can I let go these past memories that continues to entangled me with emotions.”- when you notice that a memory of her is being played in your brain, the moment you notice, take a deep breath, close your eyes, if you are not driving, and imagine a TV in the room where you are sitting/ lying down. Watch the TV (with the video of her playing on its screen) grow two legs, walk toward an open window and kindly jump out. Count five seconds and hear the TV crash down below. Then go about your business. As you notice another memory played in yur brain, do this again… crash, ooops.

2. “Loneliness – it intensifies alot during morning and night. I really want to learn about it as I have decide to not be with anyone for unknown amount of time. How can I be alone and happy?”- Stop wishing you were not alone. So every time you remember being with her, do #1. Every time you notice that you are thinking that you wish you weren’t there, alone, breathe slowly and say to yourself: I am alone. It is okay to be alone. I want to be alone. And relax into these thoughts.

anita

May 12, 2016 at 8:20 pm #104411

Brav3
Participant

Dear Anita,

I will surely practice these exercises.

Thank you so much.
Brav3

May 12, 2016 at 8:50 pm #104414

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Brav3, anytime!
anita

May 13, 2016 at 2:27 am #104434

Maria_L
Participant

Hello,

First, you are very brave letting go something that doesn’t serve you well on the long run. I remember when I went through a rough break up, and yes, mornings and evenings were the worst for me too. Cause that’s when you are left alone with your own thoughts. Wasn’t the healthiest way of dealing with it at the time maybe, but what I did is I tried to ‘reduce’ my mornings and evenings with busy schedule. I’d start doing something as soon as I woke up, and came home late exhausted. Called every friend I haven’t called in years, and some of those renewed friendships still last. The pain was horrible, so I practically said ‘yes’ to activities that I would have never tried before (mountain climbing, parties till 4am). I am not saying it solved the issue 100% but it was the only thing that made me feel better for a while.
I know how hard it is, and whatever people say to you can’t heal the pain and make things better. But it’s good to know that there are people around. Hearing your words, answering your posts, being there for no reason but your company.It’s good to slowly realize that love and joy can be found in different forms and places but that person. Only time will gradually heel the pain and the day will come when you’d feel ready to put those memories in a box in the basement. In the meantime it’s ok to remember sometimes and feel sad… just don’t stay in that mood for too long. Go out, do something… help someone, find someone to help you. You need to love yourself too, as you loved that person.

May 14, 2016 at 5:51 am #104501

Maria Mango
Participant

Hi Brav3,

You’re pretty brave to challenge your loneliness! It’s hard, I know, I struggle with those kind of feelings too. What you’re going through will pass in time but I bet knowing that doesn’t really help with how awful you must feel today.

I remember a post here on Tiny Buddha about pain and loss I think and the author referenced an old children’s rhyme to frame their struggle: (I’m paraphrasing here for sure) “We’re going on a bear hunt…oh a cave (the cave is narrow and scary and has a bear at the end of it, yikes!) we can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we have to go through it…”

So basically to get to the prize at the end of the cave/entire journey, the characters in the story had to just go through the tough parts the best they could. The author likened that to their own journey, about how in order to move forward, it was essential to acknowledge and really feel the pain they were going through. Instead of fighting it, they embraced the pain and gave its own space to exist in their life and in turn that made the pain a little easier to deal with each day.

Of course, I’m not saying wallow in your loneliness! I’m saying just accept that its there, and it’s going to be a part of you for a while so take a minute or two each day and just feel it. Sit quietly and acknowledge your struggle and then move on with your day the best you can. I think you’ll find that every day you’ll have a little more energy because you’re not fighting so hard to be happy.

Just let it be!

Good luck and I hope this helps!

Cheers,

-M

May 14, 2016 at 1:18 pm #104531

Brav3
Participant

Hello Marliv,

Thank you for your suggestions. After recently finding out that my ex is someone new already, I have been feeling quite alot raw emotions again. It feels that I am still stuck and not able to let go.

Brav3

May 14, 2016 at 1:23 pm #104532

Brav3
Participant

Hi Maria,

Yes, I agree with you that. I have been working on my acceptance of loneliness and other emotions post break up, instead fighting them. And I thought I was going okay, until I recently find out that my ex is seeing someone already. Now, I am back to square one, feeling again those raw emotions. Its jut so painful.

Brav3

May 14, 2016 at 4:13 pm #104537
Evan
Participant
Hi Brav3,

I am further down the track from where you are -with very similar situations. Mornings, nights, lunchtime, and almost anytime I can feel the weight inside. Almost instantly, the mind jumps in and fills up with thoughts that are of no use to my own health and centre.

Loneliness vs aloneness
Loneliness is wishing what was there, to be there again, and the heart wrenching pain of empty space. This void needs to be filled, with what was. If however she walked in and stood there now, you would be arguing withing ten minutes, and be forced to realise what your mind is resisting. Not healthy! Past is past, and if anything ever happened, it would never be as it was. Your past is being dragged into your present, and loneliness comes with it by default. You now have a choice to make internally for yourself – past or present…….

Aloneness redefines the empty space only when you allow the feelings be there, breath though it, and accept it as it is without labels. Be friends with it, and enquire about it. It is not scary, nor is it the cause of your pain….. it is simply space. Do not seek anything from it – this is key!!! Simply allow it to be and breathe. Don’t think about it, but ask questions and allow the answer to come. This will not happen on demand, but when your self love is flowing, and your heart is open again, then the answers begin to appear. Be gentle and patient with yourself….. no rush required. Aloneness now is a place to explore who you are, how you have grown and changed. A place to train yourself to go deeper than when your life is busy, and distractions are everywhere. This is truely the most wonderful opportunity the universe can offer you… a clear space for self exploration and discovery.

Happy/Sad thoughts
There will be both – and they are but memories now. We persist as humans to believe our thoughts are real…. I catch myself doing this all the time. Fortunately, they are not. Only the present is real, and everything else is stored and tainted by our minds. Happy thoughts, we change to happy. Sad thoughts we change to sad. Reality is this is all the mind. You are as you are, and the more you invest in the thought or thinking cycle, the more you ARE the thought or thinking cycle.

Seek gratitude in what you have now. Now is all you have and it is everything you ever need. Breathe and relax on the out breath as much as you can. Repeat this until you feel your present moment. Here you will find an abundance of gratitude.

Best

Evan
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Evan.
May 15, 2016 at 3:46 am #104560

Brav3
Participant

Hi Evan,

Thank you for your detailed reply. I have been reading books on Buddhism and they tell you very similar way, to breath in and be with what is, to handle difficult emotions. Problem is, my habitual reactions and grasping are sooooooooo strong that I am not able to overcome the emotional waves. Something triggers me and I am riding emotions , thrown by them again and again.

Practicing meditation has helped me to see this but that’s about it. I am not able to surf these waves. I can see them but I get so entangled by them that I don’t come out of it. Its like I want to do something about it rather than accepting it. And since I can’t do anything about it, it give rise to anger, sadness and other emotions.

Its like I know the answers but I just can’t apply. I continuously fail to surrender to present. I continue to struggle instead of ceasing it. Intellectually, I understand but emotionally I just don’t get it.

And last few days have been big fails as I found out my ex has started seeing someone already. This has caused enormous emotional waves to start again.

Thanks
Brav3

May 15, 2016 at 5:20 am #104561

Maria_L
Participant

Sorry to hear that you found out she is moving on with someone else. I know it doesn’t feel fair. It’s not just the heart that suffers, it’s also your ego, than that feeling of injustice…I remember my own thoughts at the time when I saw him with someone else just a month after the break up. ‘I am falling apart, trying to get through the day with a feeling that I have a knife stuck in my stomach, trying to regain my trust in love, life, happiness.. and he just moved on’. It’s just not fair.

You’ll get one day to the point when you’ll look at this from some distance and understand how it ‘served’ your life and made you stronger. But it takes time to gain that perspective. Now it just one day at a time. No quick fix unfortunately. Some days you’ll feel better, some days worse. But week after week you’ll learn to deal with the pain and to heal. We are made to survive and fight all kind of problems on this planet, and adapt. The biology and evolution will work their magic if nothing else. I am sure this is not the first bad thing that happened to you.
Some day you’ll meet someone new, someone better and you’ll thank God about all those failed relationships, that lead you to true love.

I just remembered a wonderful, life changing book that I read at that time, that helped a lot. I have it on my shelf always since then. ‘The way of love’ by Anthony De Mello.

‘People who want a cure, provided they can have it without pain, are like those who favour progress, provided they can have it without change.” ‘

May 15, 2016 at 4:04 pm #104605

Brav3
Participant

Marliv,

Thank you for your compassion. You are right on spot about feelings. I have been feeling this way, unfair, betrayal, and anger. And like you said some days are so worse that I feel I have hit rock bottom again. Some days I am okay.

I know I am stronger than this but it gets difficult to see that when I am feeling immense heartache. And then the feeling that I can’t fix or change this give rise to despair and loss of faith in ‘love and relationship’.

I am trying to learn to embrace my loneliness and finding way to be happy now and I am looking ways to cultivate this attitude everyday. I understand what you said about ‘Some day you’ll meet someone new, someone better and you’ll thank God about all those failed relationships, that lead you to true love’ and I think its a positive way to look at it. However, I have learnt something different from books on Buddhism and they all point towards to live with ‘groundlessness’. I will explain if you’d like to know more but basically its just to ‘not have any hope for the future’.

Following above I do not want to live with any hope that some day I’ll meet true love. I think I feel this way is partly due to my loss of faith in ‘love’ and partly due to the fact that everything in this world continues to change. What if I find someone and this happens again? There’s no such thing as security. I want to learn to live with no one and if someone comes, I am okay and if they leave, I am still okay.

I will try to find the book you recommended.

May 16, 2016 at 7:05 pm #104740

Rahul
Participant

Brav3,

I feel your pain, and I can sympathize with your struggle. I’m in the midst of the same horrible detestable circumstance. Journaling helps me, and I’m writing about it weekly.

You’re on the right track. You cannot live life in the pursuit of love. Love is karma. It isn’t for us to choose. It happens with the right person at the right time. Remain productive. Focus on improving yourself, and know that it wasn’t meant to be. I’m struggling with what I’m telling you as I write it because of my own journey. But, despite all the loss I’m experiencing, I have not given up on love. I read a book by Herman Hess – Siddharta. After a life long pursuit, this man finds that only if you focus on yourself do you find nirvana. He does not refer to any egocentric pursuit, but simply that you have to care about yourself and look inward to heal. You must find your own journey.

I’m writing about my journey here if you care to read: http://hurtheartsyndrome.com

Yoga has been an awakening for me. Balancing your energy with your mind and your body helps bring peace and control to your emotions. Let go of fear. It’s hard. I’m finding it hard; however, when I let go of fear and loss during yoga hour and begin to be curious about the future in brief moments, I can cope. Find a class in your area and practice it. It is helping me.

I hope your pain ends soon. Nothing lasts for ever, and I hope this helps!

best,

Rahul
Author

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