Dear Sherry,
I’ve been in your shoes, and there’re no easy answers. But a few things may help. First: you have to take care of yourself – your emotional, mental and physical health. Eat well (& eat clean food!), go for walks, try something like a yoga class or qigong or Pilates. You cannot begin to address the issues surrounding your husband until you’re treating your own body, mind & soul with tenderness. Second, you need to sit him down and make sure he gives you honest answers to the questions you have for him. Why did he do it? And what does he now feel? Third, assuming he is genuinely remorseful about what he did and he wants to stay in the marriage, you may want some alone time away from him to process what he tells you & think things through. Do you have a kind, non-judgmental and nurturing friend whom you can stay with for a bit? The alone time is to allow you to think through whether you can forgive his adultery and get past it. It has to be your own heartfelt decision because if you do decide to forgive him, it means really putting the past behind you and not bringing up his adultery again. The last is probably the hardest to do, but my own experience is that it’s essential – because if you’re going to bring up the adultery every time you have a fight, the relationship cannot survive that sort of deep seated simmering rage. If you decide to leave him because of this adultery, similarly do so without looking back in regret. You own your choices, and the fact that you’ve gotten this far despite dysfunctional family and a chronic disease means you are capable of great strength. Believe in your own authenticity, have faith. I wish you all the best.
Yours,
Jade Chen

Forgiveness does not remove what happened. It removes the bitterness and the pain. The scar of what happened will never go away but scar tissue is tougher and stronger than the skin that was there before. I am stronger and more compassionate than I was before. I look at my scars and no longer feel bitterness and anger. I see growth and strength. Having survived, I know the pain others feel and am able to let them see my scars and know there is hope for the future.

I will not tell you to stay with your husband. Only you can know if you are able to learn to trust again. I will tell you that you need to forgive him. Not for his well being, for yours. That anger you are holding on to poisons you.

What done is done. the past cannot be undone it can only be learned from, its experiences woven into who we are, and moved on from. The moving on part is where you are trapped. Staying where you are surrounded by bitterness and anger is comfortable and warm. But you will miss out on so much. I cannot tell you which path to take, but you do need to take one. You must move on to something better. It may be to a more open relationship with your husband, it may be to getting a divorce.

Do not forgive him or stay married to him for him, Forgive him for you and then make the choice that, while it may be hard, is best for your life.