Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→need to grow thick skin to personal relationships
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May 16, 2016 at 1:40 pm #104695
AlexParticipantI probably have the most ridiculous reason to even write here: I still get thrown off balance by some things done or said by my family, and I am… in my thirties already!
In general, I’m pretty persistent, determined, I like to be in charge – and that really benefits my life in many ways. But if, say, I have an argument with my father – I feel hurt and upset like I’m a teen girl again. Of course, I can pull myself together and continue with my day – but the argument leaves a mark and does distract me for a while. Even if the argument was over something unimportant. Even if my father was wrong: did not have all the facts, misinterpreted the facts or was biased towards me – it hurts all the same.
And I have no idea why this is happening and how to be more thick-skinned with my family. I can get out of almost any tough life situation in cold blood, but something very small can get to me – even when I understand this is irrational and not logical.
My mother not talking to me for several years? I learned to live with that, but I get all emotional when I see other women have deep sincere relationship with their mothers.
My father using double standards when talking to me and comparing me to my step-brother or daughters of his friends? I did get used to this over years, and realize I can’t do anything to change him – but it still hurts when he calls me “stupid” over some trivial mistake I made.
My husband spending at least an hour a day on the phone with his parents who gossip about mutual friends, complain about their life and giving him advice in areas of work and life they have absolutely no experience in? Well, he has full right to talk to his parents, and it’s his time to spend… Only when I see neighbours-Dads or hear about friends-Dads who come home early to spend time with their families, cook something or take their kids for a walk I feel so lonely I could cry.And once again – I’m in my thirties and if I have made it this far in life without any real.. bonding with people, I could probably live on without it. It’s just that it still keeps throwing me off balance, and I want to find a way not to let their words or actions (or lack of those) get under my skin: hypnosis, self-hypnosis, or anything more effective…
May 16, 2016 at 3:11 pm #104711
AnonymousGuestDear Alex:
Of course what your father says gets under your skin. You were a baby when you first met him and he was your everything. You looked up to him during your young years of forming. What he said mattered more than anything. Of course you care and deeply. Caring doesn’t go away just because you are in your thirties, or fifties or eighties- you remember what they said even when they are no longer alive.
You wrote that you can’t change your father. This is true. But does it mean you have to endure him calling you stupid? No, it does not. It is your right to have as little contact with him as is healthy for you.You have the right to have no contact with him whatsoever. It has been done before and for the benefit of many adult children.
Whenever he disapproves of you in the present, it hurts you, doesn’t it? Why not remove the source of your hurt from your life?
If a person disrespects you, calling you stupid, repeatedly and with no correction of his/ her behavior, this is abusive. Why tolerate abuse?
anita
May 17, 2016 at 12:06 am #104754
sandstormParticipanthey alex thats good that you are not emotionally dependent on anyone its good for long run . becoming emotional strong is very important .
i also talk to my parent only when necessary . i know where u coming from . its ok like you many other are also in same situation . i have adapted myself to some how ignore if it BS . i talk less so they don’t get chance to get under my skin . i prefer text over the phone. well with experience you will somehow develop thick skin .May 17, 2016 at 3:43 am #104756
MattyParticipantAlex,
I think the reason you are sad and feeling hurt is because you are continually seeing what others have in relation to yourself. Fathers that care for their daughters, parents that communicate and connect. You feel letf out, and more than likely in the back of your head…let down. Maybe you have questioned before that its fault, but it isn’t. Its painful because you could just walk away, never speak to them again. But this guilt, he is your father holds on to dear life within you. Because once you leave, you are by extension no longer a daughter, just someone that was raised by that man. If you feel hurt, have you tried telling him? If he refuses to acknowledge as you are, then there is no point in continuing to put yourself into contexts where you feel this way again. Its not about “growing thick skin”. This is defeatist. Forcing yourself to be immune, to harden up and ultimately accept your fathers actions against you. Which In turn will make you unhappy. Draw a line in the sand and make a stand. Don’t think of your father as such, think of him as a person. Deatch your feelings for a moment and ask yourself, do you need this person In your life. Love is meant to validate us, not demonise us. You cannot choose your family, but you can certainly choose what to do next.
Try not to rationalise that you have nothing that others have. This is a human error we always make. Seemingly, we believe that if someone has something I don’t have, I want it to. Irrespective whether it improves your life or not. Don’t chalk this problem down to immaturity because you “should” be able to deal with this. You either can and do something or you are unwilling to. Niether have to do with age, but with choice.
Please, if you have a question or more to add, feel free to keep posting.
I hope this helps
MattyMay 17, 2016 at 4:54 am #104760
InkyParticipantHi Alex,
I get very jealous when I see other people have a father-daughter relationship. I’ve had a great step-father and an amazing father-in-law as well as a doting grandfather… but guess what “It’s not the same”.
Of course I think, “What is the magic formula where if I have X qualities and say Y things and do Z and say Q things at S times and look T ways, THEN he will be a father to me!” But if I have to jump through six hoops and everyone else (seemingly) on the planet has to do nothing, then that’s not a good/true parent’s love, is it? HE has failed YOU!
What would happen (try it, you have nothing to lose) if you:
1. When he insults you say, “I don’t accept that”/ “I am NOT stupid”/”There’s no reason to speak that way to me, you can talk to me respectfully”?
2. When he compares you to your step brother or his friends’ children, YOU compare HIM to your fabulous in-laws and the other fathers you know?
3. Have it out with him. Now, I did, and all my dad said was, “It’s not in my nature” (to be an active father). It might not work BUT it WILL make him THINK!!
Blessings,
Inky
May 17, 2016 at 6:36 am #104763AnonymousInactiveAlex, since everyone is putting their two cents in, I’ll just cut to the chase with you. NO ONE SHOULD TOLERATE VERBAL ABUSE. EVER. Your father doesn’t sound like a positive influence in your life. If he still matters to you, have contact with him occasionally, but if the verbal abuse continues, unfortunately, you have to cut him out. Lots of times, people judge others due to insecurities. Maybe some people in your family resent you for being successful? I’m just making an assumption. Bottom line: You deserve to have positive things happen to you. Life’s too short to let others dictate how you live.
May 18, 2016 at 3:18 pm #104941AlexParticipantAnita, thank you for your support!
I do feel that indeed – the less I talk to my father the better I feel. At the same time, I feel I owe him for his support while I was growing up. I don’t want to be that kind of daughter who used his resources while growing up and now doesn’t want to have anything to do with him now that I do ok on my own.
In an ideal world, I would love to have a friendship-type relationship with him, and I try to initiate it by the way I talk to him, or things I share – but it’s almost impossible to share anything with him without him being harsh and judgmental. Still trying to find the best balance… but yes, completely walking away from any communication with his does sound good right now!May 18, 2016 at 3:23 pm #104943AlexParticipantSandstorm, thank you!!
I do hope that in the long run I will be able to completely ignore all arrogance, judgement and criticizing of my way of life they send my way. The only thing I can’t cope with – is to set my mind in such a way that I either don’t feel guilty for “abandoning” my parents if cutting down on communication with them; or – continue to initiate communication but just for the sake of them not feeling abandoned by me.May 18, 2016 at 3:37 pm #104944AlexParticipantMatty, you are 100% right!
I do acknowledge I feel hurt and left out, but I am willing to change my attitude (hence posing here 🙂 ).
I do feel guilty about already not communicating enough with my parents, but if in case with my mother I can’t even call her – she keeps changing phone numbers and would never contact me on her own, in case with my father – I would be the one reaching out to him, and every other time I end our conversation thinking “why did I even bother?!”.
I keep feeling being a “good daughter” is a burden, it hurts me, it’s not something either of my parents appreciates anyway – right now it all boils down to me checking in and helping them with something they need occasionally.
And yes- I do tell my father and his wife right away that this is not the way to talk to me, not the language to use – but they get defensive right away, call me stubborn, emotional or immature for not living by their advice. There’s a chance they mean well, but I’ve been living in another country for past 15 years and they usually comment and throw judgment at me while actually lacking experience in situations I’ve been through…
Basically, I’m just trying to find the right balance between not abandoning my parents completely and not allowing them to do much damage to my peace of mind and productivity. And so far I’m not quite succeeding.May 18, 2016 at 3:47 pm #104945AlexParticipantInky,
thank you!
Oh, if only I could compensate my father’s-social-role with any other “father” around! My mother’s long-term boyfriend following the divorce was not quite adequate, was a drinker and turned my mother into a drinker. My father-in-law… I keep having a feeling he’s actually competing with me for my husband’s attention! As ridiculous as it sounds, I can’t find a better explanation for his continuous manipulations, health complaints – and most of his health issues can not be confirmed by doctors, complaints on all unfair things happening to him, and all in all – the fact that they keep my husband on the phone for a long time every day.Every time I try to set boundaries with my father – he gets extremely defensive! He starts accusing me of being immature, for reacting in a too emotional way, not treating his comments as “words to live by” etc. It all boils down to “I’m older and smarter, shut your mouth and listen to me”. Not necessarily all in one sentence, but I had to end our conversation a few times saying I will call him back when he is ready for a more constructive talk.
It all keeps on going to extremes…May 18, 2016 at 9:07 pm #104997AnonymousGuestDear Alex:
You wrote: “I don’t want to be that kind of daughter who used his resources while growing up and now doesn’t want to have anything to do with him now that I do ok on my own.”
When your father brought you into the world, he had the responsibility to give you shelter, food and such. And you had no choice but to use his resources, you were dependent and incapable of surviving by yourself. So should you take his abuse because you used his resources? You had no choice!
And now that you are capable of surviving by yourself, you have the freedom to choose to not have contact with any person who is abusive to you, a father, a mother, a boyfriend, doesn’t matter.
anita
May 19, 2016 at 5:21 am #105013AlexParticipantAiyana, thank you!
I absolutely agree with you! I do set boundaries and can tell him I’m finishing our conversation and will only talk to him once he’s able to talk constructively when it gets really bad (him starting screaming and raising his voice or starting to say things that really indicate he’s not talking to me, but someone else “in his head”).
The problem is – it works until next time or every other next time, and then we’re hitting this wall again. And now that I am old enough and am a mother myself I sometimes feel it might be a waste of my time and energy to try to “train” him to talk to me as a person on same level as him. I step back and convince myself I don’t need my parents’ presence in my life as much as I used to – but then he says something else that throws me completely off balance, and this whole thing starts over again…May 19, 2016 at 5:26 am #105014AlexParticipantThank you Anita!
I do understand this with my “logical” side of mind! 🙂 But then I start thinking I should be “strong” enough and get over all the things that hurt me – after all I’m old and experienced enough. And then it hurts again… and if it was all up to me, I would achieve the state of mind where I could still communicate with my father when needed and not just walk away from him, but also become absolutely emotionally resistant to whatever he does or says. Hence the topic…May 19, 2016 at 8:51 am #105042AnonymousGuestDear Alex:
There is a price to pay for growing a “thick skin” with an abusive parent. Most children do grow a “thick skin” and the price to pay is that their thick skin leads them to abuse their own children and otherwise lead a dysfunctional life. It is possible to push the pain from one’s awareness, to say: “I don’t care!” but the pain doesn’t go away and what you push out of awareness will push back into your life and not in pretty ways.
Once you achieve what you want, growing a thick skin, taking the abuse without caring, then, at that point, you will pass it on. This is how abuse is passed on generation after generation.
It is not natural in … nature for the biological parent to turn against the child. It doesn’t happen. In humans, it does. And the child is still attached to the parent, willing to do anything so to keep the attachment going. Pay any price.
I hope you have the courage to suffer the loss of this attachment and say no to abuse.
anita
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