Hi J.P.

I hope that my words to you find you well on the way to a much better and a more loving life. Toxic relationships, IMO, are one of the worst feelings to endure. When friends/people tell me they are in a toxic relationship and want out, invariably my advice comes in the form of a question; what do you do if you step on a piece of glass? You find that have two choices. Either leave the broken piece of glass in and let infection take it’s course, possibly lose the infected foot, or, remove the piece of glass and begin to heal. I understand it is easy to deal with a broken piece of glass in your foot, but an emotional connection with someone who is toxic is difficult to overcome, but far from impossible. Unless you choose to remain in that relationship. Sometimes, when we find that we need to leave a bad relationship, the “nostalgia about the past, how great things used to be between me and my ex fiancée” makes it difficult as you know. You said, “She makes it hard for me to leave and I really don’t know what to do.” Her making it hard for you to leave seems to me that she is well practiced in the art of manipulation so it’s not about you. It’s not about what you want. It’s about her and what she wants. Clearly this relationship is a dichotomy of you vs me, and not we. You question of “I really don’t know what to do.” is really easy to answer. Regain control of your life so that you can “become the person I used to be.” But this cannot happen unless you take control of your life and leave. But not to worry. She will find another person to manipulate and control. You are not some object made available to someone who manipulates you and creates a toxic relationship. You are a human who deserves respect but this respect must first come from you respecting you. As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, as each moment passes you miss out on the opportunity to meet someone that you CAN be happy with.

You said that  you “ went into this relationship right after being engaged to someone that I would consider the “love of my life.” How soon after that relationship did you get involved with this person? I’m thinking that the current relationship happened too fast for you to assess what went wrong with your “love of my life.” Thinking about what went wrong with the engagement is a tool you can use to help you understand how to hopefully avoid repeating it again.

If the current timing and circumstances are such that it is difficult to leave immediately, then make a plan and a date you want to make the move. Once that is in place, make the move. When you said, “For some reason ive had a really hard time letting go,” this is because you are attached to the nostalgic, events from the past. You must realize that the good times were once upon a time and you need to represent in the here and now, because the “now” is where the toxicity is taking place with the nostalgia is a method she uses to manipulate you, thus you stay thinking things will get better. A 4 year history of a toxic relationship should be more than enough time to realize this relationship is not going to work. You said, “Im scared of being alone.” My friend, for 4 years you have been alone. It is time for you to respect yourself, love yourself, leave, and be open to “meet somebody that I can be happy with.”

Pearce

Hi J.P.

It sounds like you need to find yourself and get to know you. I know I had to do the same thing. In my twenties, I was engaged at a very young age. I really did not know myself, did not love myself, therefore could not truly love him. I kept looking for “things” outside myself to make me happy. After my Break-up, I kept on dating, because I saw all my friends in relationships, and I thought I needed a man to make me happy, but the more miserable I became.

It wasn’t until I was in my late thirties, when I finally had enough. I got tired of rebound relationships, tired of not knowing what I wanted in my life, career, etc. I decided I needed to be alone for as long as it took to get the help I needed. I was very depressed and anxious about dating and life in general. I got into counseling and on anxiety and antidepressants. They made a really big difference. My thinking was no longer distorted. Maybe you need to be alone for a bit to work on you, to find what makes you happy, only then can you be happy with someone else. Just some thoughts.

J.P. ,

Thank you for your kind words. I am not very good with words but my advice here comes from my heart. I hope that when you read this you are well on the way to a lifetime of many magical moments that bring you all the love, peace, and happiness life has to offer for an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the least you deserve. From what I see from the responses you got on this post are pretty solid words. Life is funny, J.P. Not funny ha ha, but in a strange way. We want to be involved in loving relationships, they gain momentum, the roller coaster ride begins, and we either go our separate ways, hurt/angry/resentful, or we manage to maintain that relationship for quite some time. But it’s the breakup that takes an enormous emotional toll on us. What’s key in surviving emotional hurt is how we try to spend time trying to learn from it. Some things that erode at our ability to learn from a breakup are things like, shame, blame, and guilt, none of which have any value or contribute to getting over a bad relationship. Sometimes, usually in a person’s first meaningful relationship, it takes a while to get over the break up with who we believed to be “the one.” Once we do we move on and hopefully take those lessons with us and find a healthier relationship. I think thane problem in relationships when it comes to arguing/fighting is we don’t know how to do that in a healthy way. We tend to make matters worse first by raising the emotional bar then resort to personal attacks of name calling etc and by doing so we drift from the original reason for the argument. This puts the emotional connection and resolution on the back burner.

If you do not mind I would like to know your age and the interactions and relationship you have had with your family. In knowing that maybe I can give you better advice, not that I’m an expert.

Please enjoy a perfect weekend.

Pearce