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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • January 3, 2014 at 1:17 am #48225
    Mariam
    Participant

    I am 26 years married woman. I live with my in laws. First year of our marriage went smooth. My FIL has some attitude problem. He keeps on passing sarcastic remarks on me. Hes a bully. Hes making my life miserable. If we both go anywhere for holidays he gets so angry that he stops talking to me. He cant stand me even sitting with his son. My husband is his only son and i feel as if he cant share his son with anyone. Now as the time is passing my husband has started arguing with me. He tells me to keep ignoring whatever his dad says but i cant . Its not in my control. My husband keeps on pushing me to be around him. Although i have started avoiding him. Now my husband’s attitude with me is worsening. Hes not supporting me. When someone bullies me he keeps sitting there listening and doesnot allow me to argue with his dad and says the day i will speak infront of him he will leave me. My SIL also came home and shouted at my husband that he should side with his parents only. Now my SiL birthday is coming and i dont want to go..please reply

    January 3, 2014 at 10:07 am #48259
    Lyla McLean
    Participant

    Hello Miriam,

    I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I had a partner who was more involved with his toxic family than he was with me. He’s no longer my partner because I just don’t put up with abuse. It has to be very difficult to be living in the same house with your in-laws. Can you afford to find your own place? it’s just not acceptable for anyone to be bullying you or for your husband not to stand up for you. Threatening you with leaving you is certainly not a loving thing to do. Do you have somewhere to turn? Were you married in a religious ceremony so that you could turn to your clergy person? Is alcohol or drug use a factor here? If so you could go to Al-Anon to get help. If not you could go to Codependents Anonymous. The 12 step programs are really helpful. Either Dear Abby or Ann landers, two advice columnists used to suggest asking yourself this question. ” Would I be happier with him or without him? ” You are young. You can make a better life for yourself but probably not in the situation that you are now in. Do you have family to turn to? A friend who could put you up until you find a place of your own? Is there a women’s shelter in your town. They can give you good advice and let you know what resources may be available to you. There is the YWCA also who have programs that will help you. Let me know how you are getting along. Hugs, Lyla

    January 4, 2014 at 5:03 pm #48388
    Renée
    Participant

    I can understand your frustration and sadness in this situation. One thing I would like to say, which I believe you have already touched on, is that you can not control other people or situations. The only person you can change is yourself.

    It is worrisome that you appear to be living in a “toxic” situation. This type of situation is not good for anyone, even the bully. If you are not living in a positive environment then it is a negative environment and negativity needs little to be nourished especially if it has become a habitual behavior.

    Only you can make the decision about what is best for you. Your options seem to be simple in idea but either are difficult to put to practice. Either way you need a support group or person outside of your situation to help guide you.

    First,know that you are all beings, you are all suffering, and you all desire happiness. You can practice compassion for yourself first and then for others. Recognize you are suffering and then find something to be grateful for. It can be something as simple as “I breathe right now and I am alive. I was not guaranteed this momemt and yet I am experiencing it.” It is a most basic feeling of gratitude that anyone can practice. When you feel like you are losing your calm or peace, refocus on this gratitude. Smile and find your happiness at this moment. Eventually you will be to also internalize their suffering as well and still be able to find your own peace. This does take great amounts of practice. It is not something that occurs overnight. Sometimes this practice can change the dynamics between people.

    Second, would be to remove yourself from the negative situation. Unfortunatly, no matter how much you are willing to try, accept, learn, and forgive the only possible route is to leave. This is especially important if you are being bullied regardless of whether it is emotional or physical. You must be compassionate to your situation and what should be done for your well being.

    I will hope the best and a calm and speedy solution.
    Renée

    October 23, 2014 at 10:52 pm #66721
    -M
    Participant

    Hi Miriam,

    It sounds like you’re in a very difficult place. I don’t know the cultural context so I can’t really take that into account.

    In my view, at least, your husband should stand up for you and ask your FIL to treat you with respect. But given that that does not seem to be occurring, I don’t know what else I would say to you.

    You could perhaps have a very frank conversation with the parties involved. But other than that, I would say that it appears that your only recourse is to leave the situation.

    Life is too short to be disrespected continuously.

    Best wishes,

    October 24, 2014 at 3:12 am #66726
    Will
    Participant

    Is there any way you and your husband could move out, or for you to move out and be on your own?

    Because I agree with other commentators, this is no way to live. Wishing you relief.

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