Home→Forums→Relationships→Negative Assumptions in my Relationship
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June 19, 2018 at 1:18 pm #213189
LinLinParticipantHi There,
I need some advice on how to eliminate negative assumptions of my boyfriend. I am not sure where or how they came about, but generally on any given day if something he says/a way he looks/his tone of voice, etc seems “odd” or “different” or anything other than pleased to me, I always assume the worst of him.
It has started to take a strain on our relationship because he is obviouslly annoyed and irritated that I am always assuming the worst of him or that he is not enjoying his time with me, that he is bored with me, that he wants to leave me, or that he is mad at me. When 95% of the time, I am wrong. That is just the way he naturally looks, (resting bitch face if you will…) but in male form.
I have had several let downs in previous relationships due to liars, manipulators and abusers, so I am assuming those bad experiences have not left my mind yet and assume my man will do these things even though he has not technically shown signs to do so.
I feel bad. I love him, he loves me we just booked our 1st vacation together so we are moving forward. Overtime, we have improved with our fighting and bickering but I want it to improve more. I keep a journal in my phone of any time I feel anger/resentment/disgust/sadness/aggression toward him in any way, and when I look back on it, 99% of it was me assuming bad things of him. And then I hate that I did that to him but cannot take it back.
He has warned me he will not take this type of behavior forever, which I understand and do not want to put him through it either.
Some examples of times I assumed poorly of him include:
– Him looking sad = I assumed he was mad at me so I immediately got irritated at him and asked him what was wrong and said “you look like you do not want me to be here, you look mad” Then he says he isn’t and I keep asking him over and over why he looks mad then and he says “it’s just my natural face…I’ve told you this several times”.
(This one happens the MOST often)
– When he tries to teach me something, instead of taking help from him, I assume he is thinking I am stupid and “teaching me” to be “better than me”. Again… do not know why I do this.
If anyone can give me some advise, as I do love this man and want this to work and realize the issue is me.
June 20, 2018 at 5:45 am #213249
AnonymousGuestDear LinLin:
This is what I believe happens (your examples):
1. As a child, a parent looked was sometimes angry at you and expressed her/ his anger at you. As a child you feared her anger. We do fear anger directed at us because people who are angry often express their anger with aggressive behavior against us. Animals in nature, when angry, are motivated to fight. This is the purpose of anger.
You were cautious, looking at your mother’s (or father’s) face, looking for that anger, afraid of it. You keep doing the same, only looking at your boyfriend’s face. When he looks like he may be angry at you, you get angry. There is fear first, next is anger. When we are afraid we often feel angry (motivated to fight a perceived danger).
2. As a child, a parent/ someone expressed to you that they think you are stupid. That hurt a lot. When your boyfriend tries to teach you something, you inaccurately project into him your childhood experience of being told that you are stupid. Your boyfriend doesn’t think it, but the memory in your brain projects itself into him in the present.
Let me know what you think of this and we can communicate further on the matter, if you want.
anita
June 20, 2018 at 11:53 am #213285LinLinParticipantHi Anita,
Yes that does make sense. I grew up in a highly negative environment. I am an only child so I was always blamed for things and had both my parents mad at me so it scared me into being a goody good. So that I would not get those angry glares and passive aggressiveness from them.
Even now, my Mom still looks at me constantly with an angry glare/tone of voice or passive agressive language. So I guess in a way, I am use to being told I am not good enough/my choices werent smart/I dont know what I’m doing/this or that was a bad choice, etc.
I have also had boyfriends in the past like I mentioned that were very manipulative, controlling, abusive, so maybe a combination of them plus how my parents treated/treat me, makes me think that my man will act the same?
Either way, I know he wont. I know he cares & loves me and does not mean to ever be passive agressive or manipulative or any of those bad things. So, I do want to stop assuming that he will.
So far, I am doing okay with it. Today, he told me right away he had a pounding headache once I called him, so when he sounded sad or pissed off on the phone with me, I knew it had nothing to do with me so I did not say, “you sound pissed off, is it me?” I just said “ok babe I understand, I know you’re not mad you just have a headache, I will let you go sleep.” And that felt good. I want to continue that, but shockingly, it took a lot of mental strength to quickly say to myself, “WAIT do not get mad, he is not mad at you he just has a headache, let him go sleep give him some space he is not mad at you so dont be assuming he is”.
I guess I am looking to see other ways in pausing the brain BEFORE it goes to bad assumptions.
June 20, 2018 at 5:25 pm #213309
MarkParticipantLinLin,
Good for you for practicing pausing and mindfulness. You may want to include your boyfriend in your process by letting him know what you are practicing with him.
Here are some techniques to try: https://www.mindful.org/get-good-pause/
Mark
June 20, 2018 at 6:17 pm #213319LinLinParticipantThank you Mark for that article. I just read it and it really is insightful. I should mention too, I am guilty of being a super fast paced person in my daily life. I move fast, work fast, talk fast, eat fast…. My life just feels like it’s on speed. Always feel the need to rush.
And some days it feels like my habit of rushing ng also includes rushing my thoughts ts and being quicker to react in anger or negative assumptions.
June 21, 2018 at 3:26 am #213341AnonymousGuestDear LinLin:
Like so many of us, you too keep re-living your past: watch for that angry look and do make that anger go away. Point to it and pacify it. Be “a goody good”. It does take pausing and questioning your assumptions (the past being triggered) before reacting. It takes doing it again and again.. and yet again.
The rushing you mentioned, that is part of anxiety, of the running away reaction to perceived danger. The danger you described, the original perceived danger was and is “both my parents mad at me”. Unfortunately, “Even now, my Mom still looks at me constantly with an angry glare/tone of voice”.
How do you respond to your mother, currently, when you see and hear her anger, what do you feel, say and do in response?
anita
June 21, 2018 at 3:54 am #213343LinLinParticipantHi Anita,
Yes I find pausing has been helping, which is good. It will definitely take a lot of practice overtime for it to be able to come naturally I believe.
When my Mom gives me that passive aggressiveness, I do 1 of 2 things. If she is doing it verbally like an insult or attack, I react in anger and defend myself angrily, then simply walk away after defending myself before it gets worse.
If she is non-verbal, I simply ignore the whole thing and just stay away from her.
As for feelings, I feel judged. She tends to think my choices are stupid or wrong because it is not what she would have done. So she immediately thinks her suggestions are more correct than my own.
June 21, 2018 at 4:59 am #213351AnonymousGuestDear LinLin:
Reads like having contact with your mother is bad for your mental health, has been so and still is.
anita
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